“Greed is good…” - Sarepta’s board, probably… If you haven’t heard the news, Sarepta Therapeutics just threw the patient-first playbook out of the window and has flat-out refused the FDA’s request to halt shipments of its flagship gene therapy Elevidys… even after three deaths linked to the treatment platform. (Source: Giphy) For starters, two teenage boys with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, both wheelchair-bound, di...
Can we all just agree right now that Boeing and Stellantis are the Kimmy Giblers and Buster Bluth of public markets? Case in point: Stellantis, the global car conglomerate behind Jeep, Dodge, Chrysler, Fiat, Peugeot… and a long list of brands my dad used to care about… just dropped a preliminary financial bomb: a $2.7 billion net loss in the first half of 2025. Oof. (Source: Giphy) Apparently, this is what happens when tariffs, restructuring costs, and executive all...
Well, apparently, Grabagun is neither a grower nor a shower. The company with the most legendary ticker symbol ever (read: $PEW)... a.k.a. Donald Trump Jr.’s answer to Amazon, but with more ammo and fewer shipping delays… made its Wall Street debut this week to chants of “USA” and the smell of gunpowder pride. Then promptly face-planted. (Source: Giphy) On day one, the gun e-tailer dropped over 24%, then dribbled another 1.1% lower by Friday’s close...
So… I never got into Pokémon as a kid. Didn’t trade the cards, didn’t battle my friends, and I definitely wasn’t the guy wandering around a mall parking lot playing Pokémon Go (if that was your thing, no judgment… but also, kind of judgment). But if I had gotten into it, I imagine chasing rare cards feels a lot like what Talen Energy is doing right now. Except instead of holographic Charizards, they’re out collecting power plants like they&r...
There’s a fine line between confidence and full-blown economic hallucination… and the market just did a keg stand on it. The S&P 500 just kissed 6,297.36 on the lips for a record close (its ninth of the year), while the Nasdaq also rolled a natural 20, closing at an all-time high of 20,884.27. Meanwhile, the Dow lumbered behind with a gain of 229 points. (Source: Giphy) To start it off, earnings season is in full swing and the sugar high is real AF. Case in...
At this point, it’s getting hard to tell if OpenAI is pivoting into Amazon, Google, or some kind of ultra-charismatic QVC host powered by demon juice and “I hate Zuckerburg” energy. But alas, we all knew this day was coming. The moment your AI buddy started recommending running shoes “based on your activity levels,” was only a matter of time before it started swindling our wallets in our most vulnerable states. (Source: Giphy) According to repo...
Well, apparently, Grabagun is neither a grower nor a shower. The company with the most legendary ticker symbol ever (read: $PEW)... a.k.a. Donald Trump Jr.’s answer to Amazon, but with more ammo and fewer shipping delays… made its Wall Street debut this week to chants of “USA” and the smell of gunpowder pride. Then promptly face-planted. (Source: Giphy) On day one, the gun e-tailer dropped over 24%, then dribbled another 1.1% lower by Friday’s close...
So… I never got into Pokémon as a kid. Didn’t trade the cards, didn’t battle my friends, and I definitely wasn’t the guy wandering around a mall parking lot playing Pokémon Go (if that was your thing, no judgment… but also, kind of judgment). But if I had gotten into it, I imagine chasing rare cards feels a lot like what Talen Energy is doing right now. Except instead of holographic Charizards, they’re out collecting power plants like they&r...
Man, this summer is flying by… feels like just last month I was panic-buying the dip because the market didn’t know what to do with itself after Trump started flinging tariff threats like frisbees. Fast forward a few poolside margaritas and boom… Target’s stocked with school supplies again, and the Dow’s back to disappointing dividend investors. (Ah yes, the comforting smell of seasonal whiplash and economic instability. Feels like home.) Shockingly (kiddin...
If I had a dollar for every time Trump threatened to sack Jerome Powell… well, I’d probably only have a few dollars but hey, points for passive income. Anyway, today’s episode was the epitome of “Will He or Won’t He” starring Donny Politics himself, who almost broke the entire market’s kneecaps this morning because someone in the White House decided to whisper to Republican lawmakers that Trump “likely will soon” toss J-Pow out on his a$$....
Forget “hot girl summer”… we’ve officially entered unregulated bull market summer (it’s like hot girl summer, except instead of bikinis and spritzers, it’s offshore entities and 3x leverage). With Coinbase now sitting inside the S&P 500, the message from Wall Street is about as subtle as a laser-eyed Twitter avatar: crypto isn’t going away. It’s not a joke. It’s not a phase. And institutional money is no longer pretending it doesn...
Opendoor just did what every bagholder dreams of… it itself on fire and called it “momentum.” The iBuying zombie clawed its way out of sub-$1 oblivion this week, posting a ludicrous 188% gain fueled by Reddit degenerates, a bull case from Carvana-whisperer Eric Jackson, and whatever’s left of 2021’s dopamine receptors. OPEN shares ripped from barely alive to $2.25 in five days, cementing its new identity as the latest meme stock trying to speedrun a redemption arc....
Leave it to a few scrolls of Scotch tape to get investors all hot and bothered. Perhaps you’ve heard, but 3M just put on an absolute masterclass in how to be reliable. The company hiked its full-year profit forecast on Friday, saying the expected hit from tariffs in 2025 is now just 10 cents a share, down from the earlier panic-inducing estimate of 40 cents. Apparently, the U.S. and China’s latest round of “let’s not wreck the global economy again” talks are actuall...
Over the past year or so, the headlines have taken some weird turns… Chinese spy balloons floating overhead, the Epstein Files blowing up again, and, the most random social media viral meme… a CEO getting caught on the kiss cam with his HR mistress at a Coldplay concert (didn’t have public infidelity to Fix You on my bucket list for this summer). But not too long ago, before all that, TikTok was the thing keeping lawmakers up at night. What started as a harmless app fo...
Pour one out for Humana guys. A federal judge in Texas slammed the door on its lawsuit against the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS), leaving the insurer’s Medicare Advantage ratings in the gutter… and its future bonus payments in a bodybag. (Source: Giphy) In short, shares of Humana tumbled -7.5% on the news, as Wall Street realized that “we’ll see you in court” didn’t exactly pan out. The court ruled the company jumped...
Let me take a trip back to 1999. Kurt Warner was literally bagging groceries in Iowa. Dude was making $5.50 an hour stocking shelves after getting cut from the NFL. Then the Rams gave him a shot. One injury later, he’s their starting QB… throwing laser beams, winning the Super Bowl, and flipping the script from a nobody to MVP in a matter of months. That’s the energy right now with Blaize, a tiny AI company you’ve definitely never heard of… until it went...
Well, would you look at that… Jack Dorsey finally got his company into the big leagues. Just two months after Coinbase made history as the first crypto exchange to crash the S&P 500 party, Block (you probably still call it “Square”) has officially joined the big leagues. That’s right, starting July 23rd, it will become part of the S&P 500, replacing Hess, which recently got swallowed whole by Chevron for $54 billion. Of course, Robinhood’s still stan...
Man, this summer is flying by… feels like just last month I was panic-buying the dip because the market didn’t know what to do with itself after Trump started flinging tariff threats like frisbees. Fast forward a few poolside margaritas and boom… Target’s stocked with school supplies again, and the Dow’s back to disappointing dividend investors. (Ah yes, the comforting smell of seasonal whiplash and economic instability. Feels like home.) Shockingly (kiddin...
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