Michael Saylor: “I’m literally turning my company into a glorified Bitcoin ETF…” Semler Scientific: “Hold my beer…” You ever wake up and realize your neighborhood podiatrist has a bigger Bitcoin bag than the central bank of Denmark? Well, welcome to 2025, where healthcare companies like Semler Scientific’s idea of diagnostics now involves reading the blockchain and crossing its fingers. (Source: Giphy) Now before we ge...
How do you get a standing ovation and booed off the stage at the same time? Look no further than Accenture, the consulting giant, who just put on a clinic on how to do exactly that. (Source: Giphy) For starters, Q3 revenue clocked in at $17.7 billion, topping estimates by a hair. Meanwhile, EPS came in at $3.49, which was also a beat. Two for two on top and bottom lines, and so far everything looked great. That is, until the same villain that crushed Booz Allen Hamilton had...
Kroger hasn’t exactly been doing a whole lotta winning lately in the Grocery Wars. You know… the never-ending battle for America’s grocery dollars where Walmart is the muscle, Costco is the cult leader, and Kroger has been… well, kind of wandering the frozen aisle like it forgot what it came in for. Since their longtime CEO, Rodney McMullen, mysteriously resigned back in March… under circumstances the company will only describe as a “personal conduct...
“Let’s get it on…” Brad Jacobs, a man best known for building empires out of stuff regular people throw away (Waste Management and United Rental) and founder of QXO, just pounded the table with a $5 billion straight cash homie offer to buy GMS, the the drywall-and-ceilings distributor you only hear about if you’re renovating a strip mall or serving a subpoena. Jacobs’ company, QXO, is offering $95.20 per share, a 17% premium over Wednesday’s close&he...
I would love to meet the person whose sole job is “What else can I slap Trump’s name on”. In case you missed it, the Trump Organization (led by Eric and Don Jr.) has just announced that they’re entering the wireless game with all the confidence of a guy who thinks he can fix your marriage after one episode of Dr. Phil. Yes, really. (Source: Giphy) The new reveal includes Trump Mobile, its $499 T1 Phone, and the “47 Plan” which costs $47.4...
I’ll be honest, I half-expected somewhat of a global sh*t storm conflict in 2025, but what I didn’t have on my 2025 bingo card was “Iran’s largest crypto exchange gets absolutely violated by pro-Israel hackers who then YOLO the loot into the digital abyss” (Source: Giphy) In short, Nobitex, Iran’s largest degenerate crypto cesspool just got its hot wallet raided for over $90 million in crypto. Of course, you don’t have to be a genius to s...
You know that feeling when you find out your favorite McDonalds ice cream machine works and you get to enjoy that McFlurry you’ve been craving? Yeah, neither does McDonalds… and yet, this might be the closest win they can get. Translation: McDonalds just dodged a $10 billion discrimination lawsuit from media mogul Byron Allen. (Source: Giphy) In short, Byron Allen, who owns Entertainment Studios and The Weather Group, sued McDonald’s for allegedly treatin...
Part of what makes Trump Trump is that he does things without a second thought about the fallout… or how it looks. That’s how he got elected… twice, depending on your cable provider, and it’s also why most of our portfolios were down 10–20% earlier this year. Proof that in life, you can almost never have your cake and eat it too. And today? It was a Trump moment for the ages. After calling for Iran’s “UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!” and flippant...
Somebody get Mark Zuckerburg some milk… Word on the street (and by “street” I mean Sam Altman running his mouth on a podcast) is that Meta is trying to poach OpenAI’s top talent with $100 million signing bonuses. Yes, $100 million… and you thought Zuckerburg planting that story of Eduardo mutilating chickens was petty. (Source: Giphy) Altman spilled the tea on the “Uncapped” podcast, claiming that despite Meta’s thirsty o...
As if launching ChatGPT wasn’t already the ultimate “I run the future now” move, Sam Altman followed it up by taking his nuclear startup public… because building the AI and powering it too just makes sense, right? Oklo’s up 594% in the past year, in case anyone missed the giant flashing follow the money sign. And now, finally, Wall Street’s connecting the radioactive dots. That’s right, Uranium stocks were the surprise standout Monday as investor...
Since 2017, when SoftBank launched the Vision Fund (aka “The $100 Billion Bet”) it’s been clear… Masayoshi Son doesn’t swing for singles or doubles… he shows up to the plate trying to hit Mars. With $100B in backing from the likes of Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund and Abu Dhabi’s Mubadala, the Vision Fund quickly became the biggest pile of tech gambling money the world had ever seen. And Son, well he threw money at everything (I’m no...
There’s no Fed speech (thank God). No shocking CPI print. No big Trump announcement (ok, we’ll have to wait on that). But beneath the surface, the market is pulsing with tension… because this isn’t any old regular trading day. It’s one of the four most chaotic days on the financial calendar. Welcome to Triple Witching… where a colossal $6.5 trillion worth of U.S. options are expiring. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re in luck. You&rsq...
Somebody get Mark Zuckerburg some milk… Word on the street (and by “street” I mean Sam Altman running his mouth on a podcast) is that Meta is trying to poach OpenAI’s top talent with $100 million signing bonuses. Yes, $100 million… and you thought Zuckerburg planting that story of Eduardo mutilating chickens was petty. (Source: Giphy) Altman spilled the tea on the “Uncapped” podcast, claiming that despite Meta’s thirsty o...
When Microsoft dropped $10 billion into OpenAI back in January 2023, it looked like a textbook win-win. Sam Altman needed the computing firepower to scale ChatGPT into the 500-million-monthly-user machine it is today (even if only 20 million are actually paying for it). And Satya Nadella needed to prove to Wall Street that Microsoft still had its swagger… that it was ahead of the AI revolution. For a while, the partnership was red-hot. Microsoft jammed OpenAI’s tech into Word...
Elon be bigly mad… Waymo, Alphabet’s fleet of self-driving nerd-mobiles, has officially filed the paperwork to start “testing” in Manhattan. And by “testing,” I mean, they’re going to drive around with an actual human behind the wheel, logging data and pretending not to notice the bumbashing events taking place on the sidewalk. Which means, while the permit sounds sexy, all this is is a glorified field trip for now. Waymo’s cars will be cruisin...
I’ll be honest, I half-expected somewhat of a global sh*t storm conflict in 2025, but what I didn’t have on my 2025 bingo card was “Iran’s largest crypto exchange gets absolutely violated by pro-Israel hackers who then YOLO the loot into the digital abyss” (Source: Giphy) In short, Nobitex, Iran’s largest degenerate crypto cesspool just got its hot wallet raided for over $90 million in crypto. Of course, you don’t have to be a genius to s...
Warren Buffett is out here warning that the U.S. dollar is going to hell and that housing is in a bubble. But respectfully, Warren... have you seen your own stock lately? Since May 3, when Grandpa Capitalism himself dropped that he’ll be stepping down as Berkshire Hathaway’s CEO at the end of 2025, shares have fallen over 10%. And unlike most market drops, this one can’t be blamed on inflation, AI, or Elon Musk doing something weird again. Nope… this is pure, uncut Buffe...
If you’ve been glued to the top NFL storylines this offseason (because of course you have), then you’ve definitely heard about Shemar Stewart and the Bengals playing “Who Blinks First?” over guaranteed money. Stewart says the team’s trying to screw him with a contract twist that’s never been done before. The Bengals say… well, actually, they haven’t said much. But they’re getting crushed by the media for being cheap (you could say their repu...
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