“Sorry, I don’t speak poor” - every insufferable investor on Reddit today

Wall Street wrapped up the week the same way it’s spent most of this year: stonks only go up. The S&P 500 closed (+.65%) Friday at yet another all-time high, because apparently the bar for “good enough” in 2026 is just “not actively collapsing.” Payrolls came in light. About 50,000 jobs added in December, missing estimates and continuing the theme we’ve been stuck in for months now… hiring is sluggish, firing isn’t a fire squad, and everyone’s pretending that that’s a feature, not a bug. Unemployment ticked down slightly to 4.4%, which was all the market needed to yeet itself to new records.

(Source: Giphy) 

Of course, this raises the question: Is the economy accelerating? Nah, but it’s stubbornly refusing to get taken behind the barn and shot. Growth is trudging along, labor is cooling without cracking, and inflation hasn’t reared its head in a way that forces anyone in a suit to panic yet. That’s apparently enough for the Nasdaq Composite (+0.95%) to keep grinding higher and for the Dow Jones Industrial Average (+0.48%) to moon to 49,500. Meanwhile, policy-driven chaos continued to melt the headlines. 

(Source: CNBC) 

Mortgage lenders ripped higher after Donald Trump announced plans to have “representatives” buy $200 billion worth of mortgage bonds to push rates lower. Rocket (+9.6%), UWM (+13.59%), PennyMac (+6.49%)… all of them caught a bid like it was the year of Michael Burry (read: 2008) again and nobody remembered how that ended. Even Opendoor (+13.14%), which has spent years being the punchline of every housing thread on Reddit, suddenly remembered how to move up and to the right. 

At the same time, the Supreme Court decided not to decide anything on tariffs, punting the ruling and keeping another macro grenade floating in midair. Traders could give two sh*ts. No decision means no immediate pain, and no immediate pain is like a triple dose of cocaine at this point. Translation: The market isn’t pricing in upside so much as it’s pricing out disaster. Jobs are weaker than last year, hiring is anemic, and wage growth has cooled… but still none of it is as bad enough to force a disaster. So multiples stay elevated, and BTMFD is a religion regardless of what industry. 

(Source: Giphy) 

So yeah… to cap it all off this Friday, the market closed the week at record highs. Why? Because it’s acting like a cockroach. And right now, being survivable is bullish enough to keep the bottles popping and the music playing… at least until a Truth Social post blows it all to shreds. Until next time, friends…

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

☕ Market Gossip

> Amazon Pharmacy starts offering Novo Nordisk’s Wegovy weight loss pill (CNBC): How fast are shipping times? Asking for a friend… 

> Trump suggests U.S. military will hit cartels on ‘land’ in Mexico (CNBC): “Money for Nothing” starts playing on repeat… 

> US Household Worth Climbs to Fresh Record on Stock Market Rally (Bloomberg): Wait, y’all guys are making money? - literally every rural American right now… 

> Governments grapple with the flood of non-consensual nudity on X (TechCrunch): Who's gonna tell them about Reddit? 

 

“WTF” Meme of the Day

Someone checking Kalshi for odds on Trump renaming it “Trumpland”…

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Amazon as mentioned in the article.