Shopify CEO during earnings call: “Are you not entertained?” Shareholders: “Straight to jail.” One would think that hackers redirecting all your customers to fake checkout pages and stealing their credit card information would be the biggest scandal a company could face in one quarter… But apparently, Shopify's real crime was facilitating credit card theft coming up $10 million short on $3.75 BILLION in expected revenue. At least the hackers had to...
Explosive diarrhea 🤝 Explosive earnings In what might be the first earnings report in Wall Street history where the phrase “liquidity crisis” applies equally to shareholders and customers… Yum Brands just pulled off a rather spectacular financial magic trick. The Taco Bell and KFC parent beat Wall Street's third-quarter profit estimates despite a diarrhea-causing parasite outbreak that sent customers running for the exits sprinting toward the nearest functi...
Bah gawd, that’s Bob Chapek’s music… The Chief Disney Adult (read: CEO Josh D’Amaro) is going all Larry Ellison… again. Per Bloomberg, the House of Mouse is weighing thousands more job cuts across its ~231,000 Happiest Employees on Earth, and some managers have been told to find up to 20% in annual savings to jump start Mickey’s next cost-cutting phase. Heads are expected to roll hardest at the theme parks, TV networks, and movie studio. As for the sto...
“Paging Dr. Fggt Michael Burry” - Alex Karp, probably… Uncle Sam just got cucked outspent. How? Because once again, Palantir put on a clinic. The software maker that uses AI to make foreign adversaries go “boom” beat easily on the top and bottom lines after the bell Monday: adjusted EPS of 44 cents (vs. 41 cents expected) on $2.31B in revenue (vs. $2.18B). Sales nearly doubled from a year ago for its first $2B quarter ever, and net income more than doubled...
Oracle made it two whole days into No Nut November… Welp, David’s daddy (read: Oracle founder Larry Ellison) is at it again. And by “it,” we mean running a little low on cash. Oracle filed Monday to raise a cool $20B in one go with $10B in common stock (about 76.5M new shares) and another $10B in investment-grade bonds split across six tranches. Shares slipped about 2% premarket, because of course they did. Friendly reminder, at last Wednesday’s inve...
“PC load letter? What the f*ck does that mean?” - Michael Bolton Wall Street Blood in the streets, you guys. Investors dumped pretty much anything that touches AI on Friday, and the Nasdaq tumbled 3% for its worst day since June. The tech-heavy index is now roughly 9% below its recent high. The S&P 500 slid 1.9%, and the Dow lost 633 points (-1.2%). Starting with Intel, which got nuked 29%, flirting with its worst day since 1974. Perhaps you’ve heard? Q3 revenue ($16....
The Great Elong sell… Bad news for Elon stans today. Our ex-VPOTUS (read: Elon Musk) just got b*tch slapped by a federal judge for the second time in two weeks. Late Friday, Judge Debra Brown denied a bid by SpaceXAI, the former xAI that now lives inside SpaceX, to toss the NAACP’s Clean Air Act lawsuit over the gas turbines powering its Colossus data centers in Greater Memphis. So the case moves forward. Allow me to catch you up… (if you’re lost) the suit,...
Suspect: Scam Altman. Costume: Unemployed trillion-dollar panhandler AI visionary. Last seen: Approaching wealthy investors with a $30 BILLION collection bag. Damages: $10 BILLION in missing fundraising ambitions. Authorities advise billionaires to keep their porch lights off until further notice. Welp, it appears Scam Altman has discovered the one thing ChatGPT can't hallucinate into existence. Disney characters. Another $10 BILLION in actual investor commitments. Accor...
“Claude, buy more compute. Make no mistakes.” Sooo apparently, the AI safety company just signed up for… checks notes… $895.4B of compute. Anthropic filed an amended S-1 on Monday, and tucked inside were purchase commitments and lease agreements worth $895.4B, “substantially all of which is related to compute and infrastructure.” Ok relax. Dario & Co. are reportedly eyeing a mid-November Nasdaq debut under the ticker ANT. For context, last...
Taxpayers: “Are ya winning, Mr. President?” Donnie Daytrader: “Nicki Minaj has got that thang on her. SELL ALASKA. SELL THE WHITE HOUSE. I'VE LOST EVERYTHING.” And just like that, the phrase “Intel treatment” has officially taken on a whole new meaning in the Webster's dictionary Twittersphere. It appears Donald Trump's brief career as America's first taxpayer-funded Warren Buffett impersonator has encountered a minor technical d...
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs, Tim… Johnny Sins (read: new Apple CEO John Ternus) just wrapped his first earnings call, and shares took a 3% L after hours… right after Apple posted its “best fiscal year ever.” Wait, what? For the record, The Think Different Co. beat on the top and bottom lines. Think: $2.10 in earnings per share vs. the $1.99 analysts expected, and $114.48B in revenue vs. $113.39B (up 12% YoY). Gross margin (47.9%) beat the 47.5% estimate too, with about...
Elon: “AI will make money obsolete.” Also Elon: “You've reached your daily limit.” With tomorrow's midterms looming, Donnie Politics is facing a rather uncomfortable performance review over all those promises of economic prosperity. And the AI trade is starting to look awfully familiar. Big promises. Historic returns Small packages. And investors voting with their wallets. Exhibit A: Elon Musk, who just admitted Grok's operating costs were...
“Claude, buy more compute. Make no mistakes.” Sooo apparently, the AI safety company just signed up for… checks notes… $895.4B of compute. Anthropic filed an amended S-1 on Monday, and tucked inside were purchase commitments and lease agreements worth $895.4B, “substantially all of which is related to compute and infrastructure.” Ok relax. Dario & Co. are reportedly eyeing a mid-November Nasdaq debut under the ticker ANT. For context, last...
Nobody: Absolutely nobody: SBF at 3 a.m. from his prison cell: "Alexa, how much money has CZ lost now?" In arguably the most ironic scenario since Scar getting eaten by his own hyenas in the Lion King… CZ is getting a firsthand demonstration of the crypto bank run he helped unleash on FTX. How the turntables… After finally reopening withdrawals Sunday following North Korea's $6.3 BILLION crypto heist, Binance customers proceeded to put up Silicon Valley...
Oracle made it two whole days into No Nut November… Welp, David’s daddy (read: Oracle founder Larry Ellison) is at it again. And by “it,” we mean running a little low on cash. Oracle filed Monday to raise a cool $20B in one go with $10B in common stock (about 76.5M new shares) and another $10B in investment-grade bonds split across six tranches. Shares slipped about 2% premarket, because of course they did. Friendly reminder, at last Wednesday’s inve...
Goodnight, sweet liquidity… Private credit is so back… in Europe, anyway. On Monday, Apollo Global Management launched European Credit Company (ECC), a private credit platform with more than €10B (~$11.2B) of lending capacity. Its biggest backer? Apollo’s new sugar daddy strategic partner, the Abu Dhabi Investment Council As for what it’ll actually do, ECC will lend to big and mid-sized European companies (think: corporate loans, asset-backed deals, and cash...
r/WallStreetBets has officially acquired a controlling interest in Marvell's decision-making process… If you thought Tim Apple had big balls when he made sure Apple didn't go down the AI-everything path with everyone else… let me introduce you to Marvell CEO Matt Murphy. The man watched every Tom, Dick, and Harry scream from the rooftops to slow down AI spending… and proceeded to shovel another $115 BILLION into the data-center expansion furnace via a laser com...
The Great Elong sell… Bad news for Elon stans today. Our ex-VPOTUS (read: Elon Musk) just got b*tch slapped by a federal judge for the second time in two weeks. Late Friday, Judge Debra Brown denied a bid by SpaceXAI, the former xAI that now lives inside SpaceX, to toss the NAACP’s Clean Air Act lawsuit over the gas turbines powering its Colossus data centers in Greater Memphis. So the case moves forward. Allow me to catch you up… (if you’re lost) the suit,...
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