Kid: “What are you gonna be for Halloween?” Reese’s sales: “Apparently a ghost.” And just when you thought Hershey's Reese's recipe controversy couldn't get any more embarrassing… Willy Wonka's corporate descendants have managed to price chocolate so aggressively that Americans are considering handing out loose change instead. Congratulations, Hershey. You've made free candy too expensive. According to NielsenIQ, Halloween c...
Me celebrating for single-handedly funding DoorDash's largest acquisition while my wife was giving birth. Between the hospital bill and the criminal amount of money I spent on DoorDash this week, I'm not entirely sure which delivery cost me more. But at least one of them helped finance a $17 BILLION acquisition. Anyways, on the day I'm now coining "The Great Google Rug Pull," (read: Thursday), DoorDash announced plans to acquire Instacart for $17 billion, bringing...
“Whole lotta Zep…” - Robert Plant Eli Lilly Eli Lilly did it again (read: pistol-whipped Novo). Thanks to America’s obesity problem, Lilly posted a yuge beat on the top and bottom lines Thursday, with adjusted EPS of $7.48 vs. $6.26 expected on $24.4B in revenue vs. $22.61B. It also raised its full-year sales outlook for the third time this year, and shares were up about 4% premarket. Novo’s little bro now expects 2026 revenue of $91B to $92B, up from $...
Aaaaand it’s gone… So, remember back in April when we told you to never bet against Google? Yeah… about that. Alphabet posted its first top-and-bottom-line miss in nearly four years on Wednesday, and shares got their cheeks clapped, sinking more than 10% after hours. Adjusted EPS came in at $2.67 vs. the $3.02 analysts expected, and revenue landed at $127.58B vs. $128.22B, despite growing 25% YoY. “So where’s all that revenue going?” - you, probably...
Anthropic: “AI could pose a catastrophic or existential risk to humanity.” Wall Street: *unzips * After months of being a little tease, Anthropic made its IPO filing public on Monday. The maker of Claude plans to list on the Nasdaq under the ticker ANT, and Wall Street took it as permission to go absolutely ape sh*t again. The Nasdaq climbed 0.82%, the S&P 500 gained 0.7%, and the Dow went all “that don’t impress me much,” adding just 146 po...
“Stormy Daniels” but make it British… Ah yes, the classic “grow your profits by not getting sued” move. On Tuesday, Europe’s largest bank said its Q3 pretax profit jumped 32% from a year ago to $9.63B, which, nice. It’s just that analysts wanted $9.69B. Revenue climbed to $18.6B, but whiffed on the $18.93B estimate. So where’d the 32% come from? Mostly from stuff that didn’t happen. Literally. A year ago, HSBC booked $1.4B in f*c...
“Funding secured.” - Elon (again) Sorry AI bubble stans. Turns out, lenders are still writing checks for AI chips… if you’re the richest man on Earth, anyway. The Dogefather (read: Elon Musk) posted on X Sunday that SpaceX closed $40B in debt financing to buy GPUs (Nvidia’s, per Bloomberg). Per Elon, it’s “primarily callable debt” (think: SpaceX can pay it back early) for chips arriving in the first half of 2027. He also made sure to mention...
Biggie Bundle Buyout… Back in August, we said Nelson Peltz wouldn’t rest till he put a ring on Wendy. Turns out he meant it. Peltz’s Trian Fund Management just offered $1.4B to take Wendy’s private, per a regulatory filing Wednesday, and shares of the world’s largest redhead burger brand popped about 15% on the news. Translation: That’s $7.35 a share in cash, or a 20% premium to Tuesday’s close, which sounds generous until you remember the s...
Nobody: The Trade Desk: “What if we just changed the price everyone bought their stock at?” Imagine buying a stock, watching it crap the bed 66%, and discovering the CEO has found a magical way to make shareholders whole save his own a**. And his executives. And 2,300 employees. But (most notably) not you. “Sorry, that feature is only available with the executive subscription.” That's quite literally what just happened at The Trade Desk, whe...
“It looks like you’re writing a resignation letter. Would you like help?” - Clippy Copilot Well the parent of Bing stans (read: Microsoft) “voluntary” (lol) buyouts are back for round two… and this time, about a quarter of the company is invited. The company that gave us the Blue Screen of Death just rolled out a new “Voluntary Exit Offer” for workers in the US, Canada, India, and the UK at experience level 70 or below. According to a person fa...
“Sometimes AI capex maybe good, sometimes maybe sh*t…” Once again, Microsoft and Alphabet stonks had pretty, pretty different nights despite doing roughly the same thing (think: mainlining cash into AI). Good news first: Satya Nadella absolutely crushed earnings Wednesday with a top and bottom line beat, and shares jumped 4% after hours. Revenue grew 19% to $92.28B vs. $90.69B expected, and adjusted EPS hit $4.89 vs. $4.73 (that excludes a ~$200M loss on its OpenAI stake&he...
Babe, wake up. Oracle just promised to stop borrowing money (again). Well, it’s official… Kevy Kev announced that interest rates wouldn’t be doing jack sh*t Wednesday. The Fed held at 3.75-4%, a month after its first hike since 2023. Traders saw it coming (~93% odds, per CME FedWatch), so the S&P 500 added 0.2% for its third straight green day, the Nasdaq tacked on 0.1%, and the Dow climbed 122 points. Fun fact: Two officials dissented because they wanted another hik...
Biggie Bundle Buyout… Back in August, we said Nelson Peltz wouldn’t rest till he put a ring on Wendy. Turns out he meant it. Peltz’s Trian Fund Management just offered $1.4B to take Wendy’s private, per a regulatory filing Wednesday, and shares of the world’s largest redhead burger brand popped about 15% on the news. Translation: That’s $7.35 a share in cash, or a 20% premium to Tuesday’s close, which sounds generous until you remember the s...
Cache Money… Well, that’s one way to apologize for a piss poor July. SK Hynix blew everyone’s nips off with a record Q3 on Wednesday. Then it promised to hand about ₩100 trillion (~$75B) back to shareholders this year. Naturally, shares mooned more than 8% on the news. For context, Hynix raked in ₩104.62T in revenue ($78.86B) vs. the ₩98.34T expected, the first time it’s ever cleared ₩100T in a quarter. Operating profit came in at ₩83.33T vs. ₩76.72T, u...
“Rob from the poor, give to the house…” - Robin Hood Vlad Tenev, probably Letting people bet on the World Series still isn’t enough to distract investors from a pretty mid quarter. Shares of Robinhood fell fell 4% after hours Tuesday after Ken Griffin’s lil b*tch (read: CEO Vlad Tenev) face-planted on profit. Per LSEG, HOOD earned 51 cents a share vs. the 56 cents analysts were looking for, and net income slid to $468M from $556M a year ago. Revenue, me...
“Stormy Daniels” but make it British… Ah yes, the classic “grow your profits by not getting sued” move. On Tuesday, Europe’s largest bank said its Q3 pretax profit jumped 32% from a year ago to $9.63B, which, nice. It’s just that analysts wanted $9.69B. Revenue climbed to $18.6B, but whiffed on the $18.93B estimate. So where’d the 32% come from? Mostly from stuff that didn’t happen. Literally. A year ago, HSBC booked $1.4B in f*c...
Gas, grass, or ass… nobody rides flies for free. Bad month to be an airline that once tried to buy Spirit. Shares of JetBlue have been in a full-blown death spiral, down more than 40% in October, and hit an all-time low of around $2 on Monday, days after the WSJ reported that PJT Partners has entered the chat (read: restructuring advisers). Then JetBlue reported earnings. It lost $257M in Q3, nearly double the $143M it lost a year ago, after its fuel bill jumped 61% to $868M (...
“It looks like you’re writing a resignation letter. Would you like help?” - Clippy Copilot Well the parent of Bing stans (read: Microsoft) “voluntary” (lol) buyouts are back for round two… and this time, about a quarter of the company is invited. The company that gave us the Blue Screen of Death just rolled out a new “Voluntary Exit Offer” for workers in the US, Canada, India, and the UK at experience level 70 or below. According to a person fa...
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