“Boss, I’m tired.” -PepsiCo employees watching management announce another turnaround plan Well, my fellow Nasdaqistan soldiers, it appears PepsiCo has finally discovered a way to cut 1,000 calories from its North American operations. RFK would be so proud… Unfortunately, they're all on the payroll. Quick recap: Back in February, PepsiCo announced it was slashing prices on certain snacks by as much as 15%, hoping to lure the nation's Dorito-dusted fat...
“Ah sh*t, here we go again…” - CJ Gymboree Yet another tenant of the mall wing wedged between the boarded-up GameStop and the Auntie Anne’s that got shut down by the health department is officially cooked. On Sunday, The Children’s Place got its Chapter 11 on and put substantially all of its assets up for sale. Now it has until Dec. 9 to find its own sugar daddy with low standards, and it wants a deal done by year-end. Yes, that includes Gymboree, which TCP b...
“Who knows, might fck around and hike 50.” - Chris Waller, basically Bad news for the poors anyone who hasn’t opted out of capitalism. The straight-up, missionary Consumer Price Index rose 0.4% in October, per the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The nerds were looking for 0.3%. “F’ food and energy, all my homies hate food and energy.” Didn’t help much, though. Core CPI (read: everything minus food and energy) rose 0.3% vs. the 0.2% expec...
Jensen Huang is about to single-handedly blow a 28-3 lead… We’re so back (again), you guys. Well, most of us. The Dow ripped 1,104 points (+2.15%) to 52,389.75 on Monday, back above its Election Day close, with the S&P 500 (+2.35%, its best day since April 8) and the Nasdaq (+2.74%) tagging along. Oh, and oil prices tanked after #47 downplayed the odds of more strikes on Iran. Brent slid almost 6% to $92.57 a barrel, and WTI fell 4.4% to $86.85, which, hell yeah....
Jensen Huang is about to single-handedly blow a 28-3 lead… We’re so back (again), you guys. Well, most of us. The Dow ripped 1,104 points (+2.15%) to 52,389.75 on Monday, back above its Election Day close, with the S&P 500 (+2.35%, its best day since April 8) and the Nasdaq (+2.74%) tagging along. Oh, and oil prices tanked after #47 downplayed the odds of more strikes on Iran. Brent slid almost 6% to $92.57 a barrel, and WTI fell 4.4% to $86.85, which, hell yeah....
Remember when we used to just throw steel balls at Cybertrucks? Bring me back… Pour one out for the Cybertruck, friends. On Friday, Phony Stark (read: Elon Musk) said Tesla will shut down the steel trapezoid’s production line in about eight months. Then on Monday, he hopped on X to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. Per Elon: “The Cybertruck order rate far exceeds our production rate.” Sounds legit. Tesla will “try to make as many as possible,” but it...
“I find your breathing disturbing.” - My wife Eli Lilly Good news for mouth breathers everywhere (me). Eli Lilly said Monday that Foundayo, its once-daily obesity pill, significantly reduced the severity of obstructive sleep apnea in a late-stage trial. The trillion-dollar Weight Watchers executioner plans to file for FDA approval by year-end, for moderate-to-severe sleep apnea in adults with obesity or who are overweight. In case you don’t share a bed with a snorer, slee...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Jensen Huang Apparently, all it took to give Wednesday's post-election rally a shorter shelf life than Trump's press secretary (RIP) was one angry tweet from an 85-year-old multi-millionaire socialist. And boy, did Bernie Sanders deliver. Wednesday evening, fresh off Democrats sweeping both chambers of Congress, Bernie fired off a warning that “Americans don’t want Big Tech oligarchs wrecking the environment, gutting job...
Elon: “It's just a little political volatility. Nothing to worry about.” *Checks account* -90,717% Elon: “I thought the maximum loss was 100%?” If you’re currently looking at your AI-heavy portfolio down (checks notes) 13% today and feel like a chump… Imagine how dumb Elon Musk feels having just spent $474 MILLION trying to keep his political allies in power… only to somehow turn that starting stake into NEGATIVE HALF A TRILLION DOLL...
With the clock counting down to Anthropic's highly anticipated Wall Street debut, where Dario Amodei hopes to dethrone SpaceX as the biggest IPO in history… the company is making sure it has enough electricity to support those ambitions. And it's willing to spend $3.4 BILLION to get it. According to reports, Anthropic purchased commitments for 1.7 gigawatts of heavy-duty power generators from OnePWR Solutions, a San Antonio-based equipment supplier. The agreement, reached...
Goodyear shareholders 🤝 New York Jets fans “This time it's different.” Well, ladies and gentlemen gentlecars, it appears the wheels have officially come off at Goodyear. After nearly three years of trying to turn the Michelin man’s biggest arch rival into something resembling a profitable business, CEO Mark Stewart has officially been promoted to pedestrian. Effective immediately. Understandably, somewhere between the $31 million quarterly loss and the stock...
“I find your breathing disturbing.” - My wife Eli Lilly Good news for mouth breathers everywhere (me). Eli Lilly said Monday that Foundayo, its once-daily obesity pill, significantly reduced the severity of obstructive sleep apnea in a late-stage trial. The trillion-dollar Weight Watchers executioner plans to file for FDA approval by year-end, for moderate-to-severe sleep apnea in adults with obesity or who are overweight. In case you don’t share a bed with a snorer, slee...
Remember when we used to just throw steel balls at Cybertrucks? Bring me back… Pour one out for the Cybertruck, friends. On Friday, Phony Stark (read: Elon Musk) said Tesla will shut down the steel trapezoid’s production line in about eight months. Then on Monday, he hopped on X to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. Per Elon: “The Cybertruck order rate far exceeds our production rate.” Sounds legit. Tesla will “try to make as many as possible,” but it...
GPU CPU TPU. Perfect timing, Google. One day after the sneaky link himself (read: Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang) admitted to an affair with an alleged Chinese spy, Google rolled out two new versions of its tensor processing units, or TPUs (think: Google’s homemade answer to Nvidia’s GPUs). Alphabet shares popped as much as 3.2% premarket, while Nvidia shed 5% premarket on the scandal. ICYMI, Jensen is having a worse day than you. U.S. intelligence reportedly believes Alice Huang (no...
Two Huang’s don’t make a right… There's having a bad Monday. There's having a REALLY bad Monday. And then there's waking up to discover the CEO of the entire f***ingi AI trade your $4.5 TRILLION company has publicly admitted to an affair with a suspected Chinese intelligence operative. This is why your financial advisor keeps telling you to diversify, you absolute degenerates. I wish this was satire, but less than 24 hours after yesterday's bombs...
With the clock counting down to Anthropic's highly anticipated Wall Street debut, where Dario Amodei hopes to dethrone SpaceX as the biggest IPO in history… the company is making sure it has enough electricity to support those ambitions. And it's willing to spend $3.4 BILLION to get it. According to reports, Anthropic purchased commitments for 1.7 gigawatts of heavy-duty power generators from OnePWR Solutions, a San Antonio-based equipment supplier. The agreement, reached...
Congress: “Did you allow a Chinese operative to penetrate Nvidia's defenses?” Jensen: “Define penetrate.” For far too long, Michael Burry has been nonstop warning us that Nvidia was at the center of the biggest financial circle jerk in history. Turns out, he might've been right afterall. Because while our little office drummer was honed in on Nvidia's suspiciously circular AI investments… Jensen was apparently getting his Huang tangled up...
“Hit it and quit it.” - North Korea and Binance’s CFO, respectively Sooo apparently, the $6.3B wasn’t the only thing walking out of Binance this month. On Saturday, the world’s biggest crypto exchange said its CFO, Kaiser Ng, is leaving the company… exactly nine days after North Korean hackers pulled off the biggest crypto heist of all time (even Celsius’s CFO waited almost three weeks). Per co-CEO (and CZ’s baby mama) Yi He: “Kaise...
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