The travel-agent girlbosses are NOT gonna like this one… Only in America can you build a multibillion-dollar company charging people $300 to sleep in a stranger's spare bedroom, make them clean it themselves, and STILL decide you're thinking too small. Enter Brian Chesky's latest billion-dollar wet dream: an AI travel agent that plans your entire vacation. Feature shockingly not included: Explaining why your host charges $150 to wash two pillowcases. Airbnb j...
Add to cart… (again) Looks like Nike$h “Just Buy It” Arora (read: Palo Alto Networks CEO Nikesh Arora) is going out for a little more retail therapy. Palo Alto Networks is in talks to drop $500M in straight cash, homie, on a startup you’ve probably never heard of: Clutch Security. Oh, and there’d be extra payouts if it hits certain milestones (read: edging). In case you aren’t a nerd, Clutch locks down what AI agents can get into at your company (thi...
Goodbye sweet prince, you will be missed… not by me… but somebody. It’s been only 6 years since the infamous unveiling that left a supposed bullet proof window shattered… and only 3 years since the thing hit Tesla dealers… And now, the Cybertruck is flying high in the clouds next to Harambe, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Donnie’s political legacy. “The future is here!” -Elon Musk, 2023 “The future has been discontinued.” -E...
“It’s so f*cking big.” - everyone seeing the October jobs report Your unemployed buddy has absolutely zero excuses. The October jobs report just smashed expectations, with employers adding 165,000 jobs vs. the 59,000 that a select group of classically trained economists predicted. All in favor of revoking their PhDs… again? The funemployment rate also dipped to 4.1% (vs. 4.2% expected). Just how big was the jobs beat, you ask? Well, if the consensus for October was...
Oracle made it two whole days into No Nut November… Welp, David’s daddy (read: Oracle founder Larry Ellison) is at it again. And by “it,” we mean running a little low on cash. Oracle filed Monday to raise a cool $20B in one go with $10B in common stock (about 76.5M new shares) and another $10B in investment-grade bonds split across six tranches. Shares slipped about 2% premarket, because of course they did. Friendly reminder, at last Wednesday’s inve...
The Great Elong sell… Bad news for Elon stans today. Our ex-VPOTUS (read: Elon Musk) just got b*tch slapped by a federal judge for the second time in two weeks. Late Friday, Judge Debra Brown denied a bid by SpaceXAI, the former xAI that now lives inside SpaceX, to toss the NAACP’s Clean Air Act lawsuit over the gas turbines powering its Colossus data centers in Greater Memphis. So the case moves forward. Allow me to catch you up… (if you’re lost) the suit,...
“Claude, buy more compute. Make no mistakes.” Sooo apparently, the AI safety company just signed up for… checks notes… $895.4B of compute. Anthropic filed an amended S-1 on Monday, and tucked inside were purchase commitments and lease agreements worth $895.4B, “substantially all of which is related to compute and infrastructure.” Ok relax. Dario & Co. are reportedly eyeing a mid-November Nasdaq debut under the ticker ANT. For context, last...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Jensen Huang Apparently, all it took to give Wednesday's post-election rally a shorter shelf life than Trump's press secretary (RIP) was one angry tweet from an 85-year-old multi-millionaire socialist. And boy, did Bernie Sanders deliver. Wednesday evening, fresh off Democrats sweeping both chambers of Congress, Bernie fired off a warning that “Americans don’t want Big Tech oligarchs wrecking the environment, gutting job...
Elon: “It's just a little political volatility. Nothing to worry about.” *Checks account* -90,717% Elon: “I thought the maximum loss was 100%?” If you’re currently looking at your AI-heavy portfolio down (checks notes) 13% today and feel like a chump… Imagine how dumb Elon Musk feels having just spent $474 MILLION trying to keep his political allies in power… only to somehow turn that starting stake into NEGATIVE HALF A TRILLION DOLL...
“BAH GAWD! THAT'S THE BULL MARKET'S MUSIC!” Well friends, if there's one historically reliable indicator that the stock market is back in business, it's billionaire Bill Ackman appearing on CNBC to inform the peasants that the entire financial system has devolved into a gambling addiction support group. “Every number of days, I feel like markets are broken,” Ackman complained, arguing that excessive leverage and speculative trading have turned...
Can we get a health check on RFK Jr.? Moderna is out here getting its 2021 on again. The big swingin’ v*x maker beat on the top and bottom lines Friday. We’re talking 38 cents a share vs. the $1.25 loss the Street was expecting, on $1.31B of revenue vs. $885.1M, which, excuse me, how much? Naturally, it also hiked its guidance. Moderna now expects 2026 revenue to grow 15% to 25%, up from “up to 10%.” Shares were up nearly 10% before the bell, then settled arou...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Jensen Huang Apparently, all it took to give Wednesday's post-election rally a shorter shelf life than Trump's press secretary (RIP) was one angry tweet from an 85-year-old multi-millionaire socialist. And boy, did Bernie Sanders deliver. Wednesday evening, fresh off Democrats sweeping both chambers of Congress, Bernie fired off a warning that “Americans don’t want Big Tech oligarchs wrecking the environment, gutting job...
Elon: “It's just a little political volatility. Nothing to worry about.” *Checks account* -90,717% Elon: “I thought the maximum loss was 100%?” If you’re currently looking at your AI-heavy portfolio down (checks notes) 13% today and feel like a chump… Imagine how dumb Elon Musk feels having just spent $474 MILLION trying to keep his political allies in power… only to somehow turn that starting stake into NEGATIVE HALF A TRILLION DOLL...
Once a month still counts as active… just ask your parents. Snap falling after earnings is still a tradition unlike any other. The company beat on Q3 earnings Wednesday ($0.19 adjusted EPS vs. $0.16 expected), turned a profit ($56M vs. a $104M loss last year), guided Q4 revenue at or above the Street ($1.95B-$1.99B vs. $1.95B expected), and then promptly… Ate sh*t. Shares cratered about 11% after hours, wiping out a 5.9% pop from the regular session. Snap missed on revenue...
Nelson Peltz: *Walks into Wendy’s HQ…* Wendy's board: “How about NO.” Apparently, losing 60% of your company's market value in three years and watching customers griddy on over to Mickey D’s abandon your restaurants for SEVEN consecutive quarters is no reason to accept a $1.4 BILLION lifeline. At least that's the position Wendy's board of directors is taking after billionaire activist investor Nelson Peltz showed up with a rather generous-l...
Hailey Mary… Turns out, rumors of e.l.f.’s demise have been greatly exaggerated. One year after its stonk got its cheeks clapped to the tune of 29% in a single day, E.l.f. Beauty ust posted its 31st straight quarter of sales growth. Net sales jumped 51% to $520.8M vs. the $470.3M Wall Street expected, and adjusted EPS came in at $1.21 vs. 60 cents, which, holy sh*t. e.l.f.’s head elf (read: CEO Tarang Amin) told CNBC that “every one of our brands contributed...
Define, “suffering from success”... Well, life comes at you fast, friends. Just ask Qualcomm. The company best known for its phone chips (which, about that…) topped estimates Wednesday ($2.17 in adjusted EPS vs. $2.16 expected, on $10.44B in revenue). So shares obviously slid 7% after hours… To be fair, the stock was up 5% during trading after Qualcomm announced a deal with SpaceX. Then came the guidance. The Q expects earnings of $2.15 to $2.35 per share th...
“It’s the war, stupid.” - James Carville JD Vance, basically It’s ok, you guys… the election cycle can’t hurt you anymore. Democrats won the House and the Senate on Tuesday, and Republicans even got their cheeks clapped in Texas, where Democrats flipped the governor’s mansion. We used to be a proper country… Thankfully, Donny Gridlock (read: President Trump) said he’d accept the results. Because of this, the Dow was up 1,511 poi...
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