The minute the weather warmed up, it felt like everyone I know shifted into full-on house hunting mode. And just like real estate, June is starting to look like the kickoff to IPO season… and one debut in particular is turning heads for all the wrong reasons. In fact, it’s so controversial, I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Rogan and another guest sasquatch expert were breaking it down next week between elk jerky ads and UFO sightings. The company I’m talking about i...
Jensen Huang just did exactly what every Tesla board member wishes they could do to China: delete the market from their forecast spreadsheets and keep it moving. In short, Nvidia will now exclude the entire Chinese market (a.k.a. The one with 1.4 billion potential customers and a government more obsessed with AI than American wives are with Stanley cups)... from its revenue and profit forecasts. Why? Because as we all know, the US government is busy playing c**k block of global semiconductors.&n...
Markets woke up Friday, took one look at the Middle East, and projectile vomited 600 points straight into the void. Investors are getting waterboarded today after Israel decided diplomacy was for losers and launched a “surprise” airstrike on Iran’s nuclear facilities. (Source: Giphy) And the carnage so far is real AF. Nvidia and Tesla are getting body-slammed (-2.4% and -1.8%) as risk appetite went missing, presumed dead. Meanwhile, defense stocks like Loc...
You’d think that if you brought the most powerful man in AI on stage (the Sam Altman, OpenAI genius, ChatGPT whisperer, possibly part-robot himself) and had him gush over your new AI chips and even hint at being a primary partner, Wall Street would respond by punching the buy button through the floor. But nope. Instead of a ticker-tape parade, AMD shares slipped 2% the day of the big event. And investors everywhere collectively went, “Wait… what?” So what happened...
Wally World is officially done letting third-party bankers fumble its customer credit… and honestly, who can blame them? After their Capital One breakup went full Jerry Springer, the retail giant has now decided to keep it in the family. Which is why OnePay, Walmart’s fintech Frankenstein, is tag-teaming with Synchrony to launch a credit card program so integrated it practically asks if you want fries with your FICO score. (Source: Giphy) In short, starting fal...
Elon woke up today to two massive middle fingers from the analyst community. Why? Because Monday morning brought a double-dose of Wall Street shade, with not one but two analyst downgrades… mainly because watching Elon Musk pick fights with Donald Trump on the world stage wasn’t enough uncertainty for the “Magnificent Seven’s” red-headed stepchild. (Source: Giphy) In short, Tesla shares are already down 27% this year, making Tesla the weakest link i...
You ever notice how the people who lecture us the loudest about morality, ethics, and “doing the right thing” usually end up being the same ones caught doing something sketchy behind the scenes? It’s like being scolded for drinking soda by your old college buddy who has a Bud Light IV drip. Or watching Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates take separate private jets to a climate change conference. Yeah, two of the richest guys on Earth burned enough jet fuel to melt the polar caps&h...
Mr. Market kicked off the week with all the excitement of last night’s NBA Finals beatdown… aka, not much. Stocks inched higher Monday… thanks to yet another round of “will they/won’t they” trade talks between the U.S. and China. This time, the reality tv show moved to London, where Trump’s team met with China’s squad for handshakes, awkward smiles, meme worthy moments, and hopefully (for all of our sakes) fewer tariffs. The S&P 500 poked abo...
The IPO hype is real AF these days. Case in point: Voyager Technologies ripped the doors off yesterday and made off with the silverware in an 82% surge (up another 10% on today’s price action). Which is quite amazing considering Voyager was supposed to be a garden-variety defense contractor IPO: 11 million shares, $26–$29 each, maybe a few polite claps from some DC-adjacent GARP funds. (Source: Giphy) Then FOMO did what FOMO does. The deal bloated to 12.3 millio...
Starbucks stock in 2025 has been... steady. Painfully steady. It’s not imploding like it just got caught cooking the books, but it’s definitely not delivering the kind of returns that used to make it a core holding for every retirement portfolio. The stock is up just 2% year-to-date, which is maybe okay if you’re parking cash… but not so great if you remember the days when this company practically printed money with the best coffee you could buy and a functioning app....
You’d think that between Trump’s obsession with tariffs and Jerome Powell locking interest rates in a panic room with a “Do Not Disturb Until Recession” sign on the door, the IPO market would be anemic whispering sweet nothings to Cathie Wood and reminiscing about the glory days of 2021 SPAC mania. Nope. Instead, we’ve got fintechs doing their best Hot Girl Summer impression. The latest to walk down Wall Street’s runway in heels and an SEC filing is Chime (aka...
We are officially back on the green’s baby. Not to be dramatic, but Oracle’s results single-handedly rescued this market from any kind of despair today with the S&P 500 popping 0.38%, the Dow adding 101 points, and the Nasdaq boasting a 0.12% gain. (Source: Giphy) In short, Oracle CEO, Safra Catz, basically screamed “cloud + AI = stonks” during Oracles earnings today and knocked retail investors out of their coma. The company Ellison built crushe...
“F’around and find out” - Mickey Mouse In case you missed it, Disney and Universal just teamed up to make sure Midjourney (the AI image creator responsible for introducing basement discord dwellers to AI boobs) gets a crash course in “don’t f*ck with the mouse.” (Source: Giphy) In short, the studios allege that Midjourney didn’t just train its billion-dollar image generator on Mickey, Marge Simpson, and an entire galaxy of copyri...
The IPO hype is real AF these days. Case in point: Voyager Technologies ripped the doors off yesterday and made off with the silverware in an 82% surge (up another 10% on today’s price action). Which is quite amazing considering Voyager was supposed to be a garden-variety defense contractor IPO: 11 million shares, $26–$29 each, maybe a few polite claps from some DC-adjacent GARP funds. (Source: Giphy) Then FOMO did what FOMO does. The deal bloated to 12.3 millio...
My grandpa still runs a farm out in Illinois. He’s got the newer tractors… ones with touchscreens, Bluetooth, even air-conditioned cabs. But the machine he trusts most is an old Massey Ferguson that’s been kicking since before he could grow a mustache. Paint’s peeling, it rattles like an old pickup, and it smells like diesel and memories… but when the fancy stuff breaks down, that’s the one he fires up. It just works. That’s kind of how Oracle has oper...
“It’s about d*mn time”-- every Tesla investor, probably. If you listen closely on June 22nd, you’ll hear it: the sound of a thousand insurance actuaries quietly sobbing into their keyboards as Tesla will officially unleash its self-driving Model Ys onto the streets of Austin. Meaning, Elon’s saving grace is about to become (sort of) reality, and if you thought the Rainey Street Ripper was the wildest thing Austin’s seen lately, you might want to stay indoor...
I can’t believe it’s been almost three years since FTX collapsed… and the nerdy founder who once got hyped as the next Warren Buffett had his entire empire ripped apart after Binance’s Changpeng Zhao pretty much tweeted, “Yeah, this smells like a Ponzi,” and that’s all it took to light the fuse on the biggest financial implosion since Enron tried to convince everyone they were just a humble utility company. Turns out, Sam Bankman-Fried (our lovab...
Aaaaand it ends. The market’s three-day bender has finally expired on this fine Wednesday. Turns out, you can only snort hopium for so long before reality shows up with the bill… and today, it was a 0.27% drop for the S&P 500, landing at 6,022.30. As for the Nasdaq, it really decided to lean in and faceplant -0.5% to 19,615.88… while the Dow had the audacity to lose exactly 1.1 points… a change so insignificant, I burn more calories scrolling past crypto scams on m...
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