“PC load letter? What the f*ck does that mean?” - Michael Bolton Wall Street Blood in the streets, you guys. Investors dumped pretty much anything that touches AI on Friday, and the Nasdaq tumbled 3% for its worst day since June. The tech-heavy index is now roughly 9% below its recent high. The S&P 500 slid 1.9%, and the Dow lost 633 points (-1.2%). Starting with Intel, which got nuked 29%, flirting with its worst day since 1974. Perhaps you’ve heard? Q3 revenue ($16....
There's an old saying that the house always wins. And judging by Friday's trading session, Cboe Global Markets is making a pretty convincing case for it. While the Nasdaq tanked nearly 3% and the S&P 500 shed 1.8%, Cboe shares rose 3.5% after the exchange operator reported a 36% jump in quarterly profits. Investors are scrambling to bet on where stocks go next, and Cboe is collecting a fee every time they do. The Chicago-based company reported adjusted earnings of $3.63 a share...
Taxpayers: “Are ya winning, Mr. President?” Donnie Daytrader: “Nicki Minaj has got that thang on her. SELL ALASKA. SELL THE WHITE HOUSE. I'VE LOST EVERYTHING.” And just like that, the phrase “Intel treatment” has officially taken on a whole new meaning in the Webster's dictionary Twittersphere. It appears Donald Trump's brief career as America's first taxpayer-funded Warren Buffett impersonator has encountered a minor technical d...
Reddit? The OnlyFans company? Well friends, Reddit just got downvoted… again. The glorified message board beat on earnings, beat on revenue, and then promptly… Ate sh*t. Shares were down more than 20% Friday as of this writing, on pace for their worst day since the 2024 IPO. Earnings came in at $1.40 a share vs. the $1.35 Wall Street wanted, and revenue jumped 53% to $895M (vs. $878M expected). The problem was the piss-poor guidance: Reddit sees $1B to $1.03B in Q4 sales,...
Anthropic: “AI could pose a catastrophic or existential risk to humanity.” Wall Street: *unzips * After months of being a little tease, Anthropic made its IPO filing public on Monday. The maker of Claude plans to list on the Nasdaq under the ticker ANT, and Wall Street took it as permission to go absolutely ape sh*t again. The Nasdaq climbed 0.82%, the S&P 500 gained 0.7%, and the Dow went all “that don’t impress me much,” adding just 146 po...
“Stormy Daniels” but make it British… Ah yes, the classic “grow your profits by not getting sued” move. On Tuesday, Europe’s largest bank said its Q3 pretax profit jumped 32% from a year ago to $9.63B, which, nice. It’s just that analysts wanted $9.69B. Revenue climbed to $18.6B, but whiffed on the $18.93B estimate. So where’d the 32% come from? Mostly from stuff that didn’t happen. Literally. A year ago, HSBC booked $1.4B in f*c...
“Funding secured.” - Elon (again) Sorry AI bubble stans. Turns out, lenders are still writing checks for AI chips… if you’re the richest man on Earth, anyway. The Dogefather (read: Elon Musk) posted on X Sunday that SpaceX closed $40B in debt financing to buy GPUs (Nvidia’s, per Bloomberg). Per Elon, it’s “primarily callable debt” (think: SpaceX can pay it back early) for chips arriving in the first half of 2027. He also made sure to mention...
“It looks like you’re writing a resignation letter. Would you like help?” - Clippy Copilot Well the parent of Bing stans (read: Microsoft) “voluntary” (lol) buyouts are back for round two… and this time, about a quarter of the company is invited. The company that gave us the Blue Screen of Death just rolled out a new “Voluntary Exit Offer” for workers in the US, Canada, India, and the UK at experience level 70 or below. According to a person fa...
Biggie Bundle Buyout… Back in August, we said Nelson Peltz wouldn’t rest till he put a ring on Wendy. Turns out he meant it. Peltz’s Trian Fund Management just offered $1.4B to take Wendy’s private, per a regulatory filing Wednesday, and shares of the world’s largest redhead burger brand popped about 15% on the news. Translation: That’s $7.35 a share in cash, or a 20% premium to Tuesday’s close, which sounds generous until you remember the s...
Me celebrating for single-handedly funding DoorDash's largest acquisition while my wife was giving birth. Between the hospital bill and the criminal amount of money I spent on DoorDash this week, I'm not entirely sure which delivery cost me more. But at least one of them helped finance a $17 BILLION acquisition. Anyways, on the day I'm now coining "The Great Google Rug Pull," (read: Thursday), DoorDash announced plans to acquire Instacart for $17 billion, bringing...
Reason #5,898,921 I don’t mess with crypto… Somewhere in Pyongyang (which I hear is still lovely this time of year), hackers just pulled off the biggest crypto heist of all time… again. On Thursday, roughly $6.3B in client assets walked out the door at Binance, the world’s largest crypto exchange. That makes Bybit’s $1.5B job last year (and Binance’s own $570M breach in 2022) look like amateur hour at the hacker hostel. About $3B has been frozen...
Who amongst us hasn’t paid extra for a few more pumps? Every guy reading this: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sooo apparently, America is back on its pumpkin spice bullsh*t. Starbucks says its fall menu rollout was its strongest autumn launch day ever, and Burrito Brian’s (read: CEO Brian Niccol’s) turnaround is still in full swing. U.S. same-store sales jumped 7.7% in fiscal Q4, ahead of the 6.5% Wall Street expected. Bigly. The Dunkin for people who think they’re b...
Kid: “What are you gonna be for Halloween?” Reese’s sales: “Apparently a ghost.” And just when you thought Hershey's Reese's recipe controversy couldn't get any more embarrassing… Willy Wonka's corporate descendants have managed to price chocolate so aggressively that Americans are considering handing out loose change instead. Congratulations, Hershey. You've made free candy too expensive. According to NielsenIQ, Halloween c...
Me celebrating for single-handedly funding DoorDash's largest acquisition while my wife was giving birth. Between the hospital bill and the criminal amount of money I spent on DoorDash this week, I'm not entirely sure which delivery cost me more. But at least one of them helped finance a $17 BILLION acquisition. Anyways, on the day I'm now coining "The Great Google Rug Pull," (read: Thursday), DoorDash announced plans to acquire Instacart for $17 billion, bringing...
“Whole lotta Zep…” - Robert Plant Eli Lilly Eli Lilly did it again (read: pistol-whipped Novo). Thanks to America’s obesity problem, Lilly posted a yuge beat on the top and bottom lines Thursday, with adjusted EPS of $7.48 vs. $6.26 expected on $24.4B in revenue vs. $22.61B. It also raised its full-year sales outlook for the third time this year, and shares were up about 4% premarket. Novo’s little bro now expects 2026 revenue of $91B to $92B, up from $...
Aaaaand it’s gone… So, remember back in April when we told you to never bet against Google? Yeah… about that. Alphabet posted its first top-and-bottom-line miss in nearly four years on Wednesday, and shares got their cheeks clapped, sinking more than 10% after hours. Adjusted EPS came in at $2.67 vs. the $3.02 analysts expected, and revenue landed at $127.58B vs. $128.22B, despite growing 25% YoY. “So where’s all that revenue going?” - you, probably...
“Sometimes AI capex maybe good, sometimes maybe sh*t…” Once again, Microsoft and Alphabet stonks had pretty, pretty different nights despite doing roughly the same thing (think: mainlining cash into AI). Good news first: Satya Nadella absolutely crushed earnings Wednesday with a top and bottom line beat, and shares jumped 4% after hours. Revenue grew 19% to $92.28B vs. $90.69B expected, and adjusted EPS hit $4.89 vs. $4.73 (that excludes a ~$200M loss on its OpenAI stake&he...
Babe, wake up. Oracle just promised to stop borrowing money (again). Well, it’s official… Kevy Kev announced that interest rates wouldn’t be doing jack sh*t Wednesday. The Fed held at 3.75-4%, a month after its first hike since 2023. Traders saw it coming (~93% odds, per CME FedWatch), so the S&P 500 added 0.2% for its third straight green day, the Nasdaq tacked on 0.1%, and the Dow climbed 122 points. Fun fact: Two officials dissented because they wanted another hik...
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