“Hit it and quit it.” - North Korea and Binance’s CFO, respectively Sooo apparently, the $6.3B wasn’t the only thing walking out of Binance this month. On Saturday, the world’s biggest crypto exchange said its CFO, Kaiser Ng, is leaving the company… exactly nine days after North Korean hackers pulled off the biggest crypto heist of all time (even Celsius’s CFO waited almost three weeks). Per co-CEO (and CZ’s baby mama) Yi He: “Kaise...
“It’d be a lot cooler if you did…” - Wooderson Mike Intrator Bending the knee isn’t just for Donny Politics anymore. On Friday, the Ingratiator (read: CoreWeave Mike Intrator) slid into Texas Governor-elect Gina Hinojosa’s DMs with a letter. The ask? A chance to work with her transition team on “the responsible completion of permitted projects” and “clear, durable standards for future development.” Friendly reminder, Hinojosa is the...
If only Warren Buffett were around to see this… Reports of Oracle's investment strategy being dead have been greatly exaggerated. Chip stocks have cratered 30% in a month, tech is trading at a discount to the S&P for the first time since 2017, and the same FinTwit geniuses who called Buffett washed are now comparing margin calls. Meanwhile, Berkshire Hathaway is somehow having the time of its life. Shares are up 12% in a month, and Greg Abel just spent $9.6 BILLION buy...
“Why would I deceive you?” - Elizabeth Holmes Lachlan Murdoch, to the DOJ The real-life eldest Roy boy (read: Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch) just finished months ahead of schedule. Fox officially backed up the Brinks truck on Friday and closed its $22B acquisition of Roku, aka the makers of the smart TV OS you sign into and forget to sign out of at every Airbnb you’ve ever stayed at. The plan in June was to wrap this up in the first half of 2027. Instead, Roku stonkholders are...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Jensen Huang Apparently, all it took to give Wednesday's post-election rally a shorter shelf life than Trump's press secretary (RIP) was one angry tweet from an 85-year-old multi-millionaire socialist. And boy, did Bernie Sanders deliver. Wednesday evening, fresh off Democrats sweeping both chambers of Congress, Bernie fired off a warning that “Americans don’t want Big Tech oligarchs wrecking the environment, gutting job...
Elon: “It's just a little political volatility. Nothing to worry about.” *Checks account* -90,717% Elon: “I thought the maximum loss was 100%?” If you’re currently looking at your AI-heavy portfolio down (checks notes) 13% today and feel like a chump… Imagine how dumb Elon Musk feels having just spent $474 MILLION trying to keep his political allies in power… only to somehow turn that starting stake into NEGATIVE HALF A TRILLION DOLL...
“BAH GAWD! THAT'S THE BULL MARKET'S MUSIC!” Well friends, if there's one historically reliable indicator that the stock market is back in business, it's billionaire Bill Ackman appearing on CNBC to inform the peasants that the entire financial system has devolved into a gambling addiction support group. “Every number of days, I feel like markets are broken,” Ackman complained, arguing that excessive leverage and speculative trading have turned...
McDonald’s might finally be figuring out how to convince cash-strapped Americans that a trip through the drive-thru is still worth the money. The Golden Arches reported mixed third-quarter earnings Wednesday, beating Wall Street’s profit expectations while coming up short on revenue. But investors seemed more interested in signs that U.S. customers are returning and management’s latest attempt to make the menu affordable again. Shares of McDonald’s jumped 5% today,...
Shopify CEO during earnings call: “Are you not entertained?” Shareholders: “Straight to jail.” One would think that hackers redirecting all your customers to fake checkout pages and stealing their credit card information would be the biggest scandal a company could face in one quarter… But apparently, Shopify's real crime was facilitating credit card theft coming up $10 million short on $3.75 BILLION in expected revenue. At least the hackers had to...
Annnnd it’s gone (read: AI’s credit limit)… The only thing more American than financing a 2015 Chevy Silverado for 204 months at 19.25% APY might be financing a warehouse full of Nvidia chips at 16%. Say hello to The CW (read: CoreWeave), the proud owner of sh*t loads of GPUs it rents out to Big Tech. The yield on its 9.625% bonds due 2032 just blew past 16% (read: what lenders now want to touch this thing). Its five-year credit default swaps (think: insurance in case Co...
Annnnd it’s gone (read: AI’s credit limit)… The only thing more American than financing a 2015 Chevy Silverado for 204 months at 19.25% APY might be financing a warehouse full of Nvidia chips at 16%. Say hello to The CW (read: CoreWeave), the proud owner of sh*t loads of GPUs it rents out to Big Tech. The yield on its 9.625% bonds due 2032 just blew past 16% (read: what lenders now want to touch this thing). Its five-year credit default swaps (think: insurance in case Co...
Happy “BTFD Day” to all who celebrate… On Thursday, the AI trade was dead, and data centers were cancelled. Fast-forward exactly one trading day, and everyone had moved money from their Kalshi account to Robinhood (sup, degenerates). For context, the Nasdaq bounced 1.09% on Friday, and the S&P 500 eked out 0.31%. The Dow lost 237 points (0.46%). Cowards. If you recall, the Nasdaq got absolutely barbecued… falling 5.5% on Thursday on fears that the...
DraftKings is betting hundreds of millions of dollars that prediction markets will become its next big business. But for now, that gamble is taking a pretty serious bite out of the company's profits. Shares of DraftKings fell sharply Friday after the sports-betting company slashed its full-year earnings outlook and lowered its revenue forecast as it pours money into competing with Kalshi and Polymarket. And the size of that earnings downgrade caught investors' attention. DraftKi...
The travel-agent girlbosses are NOT gonna like this one… Only in America can you build a multibillion-dollar company charging people $300 to sleep in a stranger's spare bedroom, make them clean it themselves, and STILL decide you're thinking too small. Enter Brian Chesky's latest billion-dollar wet dream: an AI travel agent that plans your entire vacation. Feature shockingly not included: Explaining why your host charges $150 to wash two pillowcases. Airbnb j...
Add to cart… (again) Looks like Nike$h “Just Buy It” Arora (read: Palo Alto Networks CEO Nikesh Arora) is going out for a little more retail therapy. Palo Alto Networks is in talks to drop $500M in straight cash, homie, on a startup you’ve probably never heard of: Clutch Security. Oh, and there’d be extra payouts if it hits certain milestones (read: edging). In case you aren’t a nerd, Clutch locks down what AI agents can get into at your company (thi...
Goodbye sweet prince, you will be missed… not by me… but somebody. It’s been only 6 years since the infamous unveiling that left a supposed bullet proof window shattered… and only 3 years since the thing hit Tesla dealers… And now, the Cybertruck is flying high in the clouds next to Harambe, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Donnie’s political legacy. “The future is here!” -Elon Musk, 2023 “The future has been discontinued.” -E...
“It’s so f*cking big.” - everyone seeing the October jobs report Your unemployed buddy has absolutely zero excuses. The October jobs report just smashed expectations, with employers adding 165,000 jobs vs. the 59,000 that a select group of classically trained economists predicted. All in favor of revoking their PhDs… again? The funemployment rate also dipped to 4.1% (vs. 4.2% expected). Just how big was the jobs beat, you ask? Well, if the consensus for October was...
Can we get a health check on RFK Jr.? Moderna is out here getting its 2021 on again. The big swingin’ v*x maker beat on the top and bottom lines Friday. We’re talking 38 cents a share vs. the $1.25 loss the Street was expecting, on $1.31B of revenue vs. $885.1M, which, excuse me, how much? Naturally, it also hiked its guidance. Moderna now expects 2026 revenue to grow 15% to 25%, up from “up to 10%.” Shares were up nearly 10% before the bell, then settled arou...
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