-109% of the time, it works every time… Temu Anthropic (read: OpenAI) is so back… kinda. Some snitches on the inside told Bloomberg that OpenAI’s quarterly revenue mooned past $10B for the first time in Q3. That’s up almost 50% from $6.7B in Q2, and nearly triple what it did a year ago. The numbers went out to investors on a call Tuesday. OpenAI declined to comment, because, of course. Friendly reminder, this is the same company that missed a metric fck t...
“It’ll be different this time.” - everyone who’s ever taken back a cheater Nvidia shareholders Never mind guys, AI is fine (as of this writing). On Wednesday, the Nasdaq ripped 1.9%, the S&P 500 climbed 1.4%, and the Dow tacked on 193 points (0.4%). That’s one day after the Leather Jacket Lothario (read: Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang) dragged the whole market down with him. Leading the charge was the still-proud owner of sh*t loads of Nvidia GPUs (read: CoreW...
“Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in.” - Michael Corleone CRWV paper hands Bad news, haters (including me on Friday): The CW (read: CoreWeave) didn’t hear no bell. On Tuesday, the GPU landlord beat on revenue, lost less money than expected, raised its full-year guidance, and then promptly… did not eat sh*t. Shares popped about 7% after hours. Revenue went sicko mode, up 168% to $3.66B vs. the $3.55B Wall Street expected. The adjusted...
The travel agent is dead. Long live the travel agent. Happy anniversary, Francis Davidson. One year after his old company started kicking guests out of their rooms, Davidson announced Tuesday that OpenAI bought his AI travel agent, Odessia, and that he’s joining OpenAI to work on “the future of travel.” OpenAI only confirmed the hire, and terms weren’t disclosed, which usually means acquihire. Odessia was about a year old. It raised a $6M pre-seed round led by Se...
Jensen Huang is about to single-handedly blow a 28-3 lead… We’re so back (again), you guys. Well, most of us. The Dow ripped 1,104 points (+2.15%) to 52,389.75 on Monday, back above its Election Day close, with the S&P 500 (+2.35%, its best day since April 8) and the Nasdaq (+2.74%) tagging along. Oh, and oil prices tanked after #47 downplayed the odds of more strikes on Iran. Brent slid almost 6% to $92.57 a barrel, and WTI fell 4.4% to $86.85, which, hell yeah....
Hims & Hers: "We take your privacy seriously." The FTC: "Then explain why Zuckerberg knows about my erectile dysfunction." It appears Gen Z's favorite online pharmacy has finally discovered a medical condition it can't treat. Five state attorneys general crawling up its a**. And unfortunately for Hims & Hers shareholders, there doesn't appear to be a GLP-1 prescription available to make this particular problem go away. Quick recap: On Tuesda...
Remember when we used to just throw steel balls at Cybertrucks? Bring me back… Pour one out for the Cybertruck, friends. On Friday, Phony Stark (read: Elon Musk) said Tesla will shut down the steel trapezoid’s production line in about eight months. Then on Monday, he hopped on X to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. Per Elon: “The Cybertruck order rate far exceeds our production rate.” Sounds legit. Tesla will “try to make as many as possible,” but it...
“I find your breathing disturbing.” - My wife Eli Lilly Good news for mouth breathers everywhere (me). Eli Lilly said Monday that Foundayo, its once-daily obesity pill, significantly reduced the severity of obstructive sleep apnea in a late-stage trial. The trillion-dollar Weight Watchers executioner plans to file for FDA approval by year-end, for moderate-to-severe sleep apnea in adults with obesity or who are overweight. In case you don’t share a bed with a snorer, slee...
Nobody: The Bureau of Labor Statistics: “You thought Jensen was done ruining your Tuesday?” Well friends, I regret to inform you that Nvidia bagholders shareholders have officially reached the “CALL MY LAWYER” stage of the AI revolution. And no, this time it isn't because Jensen announced another $100 billion investment in a company that plans to spend $100 billion buying Nvidia chips. “Those were the good old days.” -Michael Burry, probably...
Trump: *gets absolutely REKT in the midterms* Also Trump: “Perhaps the Democrats have some good ideas.” Well, well, well. Look who suddenly discovered fiscal responsibility after getting politically waterboarded by the American electorate. On Monday, the Senate voted 73-25 to advance a Trump-backed infrastructure bill designed to make it easier to build everything from power plants and pipelines to mines and data centers. The catch? The Marky Mark’s and Elo...
It’s been 84 years… Ok, it’s not quite been THAT long… but 13 years, three presidential administrations, and an estimated 47,000 new iPhone models later, Rockstar Games is FINALLY preparing to release Grand Theft Auto VI. And judging by the pre-order numbers, don’t even plan on leaving the house on November 19. “Sorry boss, my grandmother died.” -37 million American employees next Thursday, probably In the most anticipated event since the E...
Hims & Hers: "We take your privacy seriously." The FTC: "Then explain why Zuckerberg knows about my erectile dysfunction." It appears Gen Z's favorite online pharmacy has finally discovered a medical condition it can't treat. Five state attorneys general crawling up its a**. And unfortunately for Hims & Hers shareholders, there doesn't appear to be a GLP-1 prescription available to make this particular problem go away. Quick recap: On Tuesda...
Nobody: The Bureau of Labor Statistics: “You thought Jensen was done ruining your Tuesday?” Well friends, I regret to inform you that Nvidia bagholders shareholders have officially reached the “CALL MY LAWYER” stage of the AI revolution. And no, this time it isn't because Jensen announced another $100 billion investment in a company that plans to spend $100 billion buying Nvidia chips. “Those were the good old days.” -Michael Burry, probably...
B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bag) So much for Claude telling Elon to hold its beer. Anthropic said in an updated filing Tuesday that it’ll sell 825 million shares at $70 to $78 apiece in its IPO. Per people familiar, it prices Nov. 18 and starts trading on the Nasdaq as ANT on Nov. 19. t the top of the range, Anthropic would be worth up to $1.405T on a fully diluted basis (think: counting every option and convertible note), up from $965B in its May funding round. Claude was eyeing $2T...
Trump: *gets absolutely REKT in the midterms* Also Trump: “Perhaps the Democrats have some good ideas.” Well, well, well. Look who suddenly discovered fiscal responsibility after getting politically waterboarded by the American electorate. On Monday, the Senate voted 73-25 to advance a Trump-backed infrastructure bill designed to make it easier to build everything from power plants and pipelines to mines and data centers. The catch? The Marky Mark’s and Elo...
“Boss, I’m tired.” -PepsiCo employees watching management announce another turnaround plan Well, my fellow Nasdaqistan soldiers, it appears PepsiCo has finally discovered a way to cut 1,000 calories from its North American operations. RFK would be so proud… Unfortunately, they're all on the payroll. Quick recap: Back in February, PepsiCo announced it was slashing prices on certain snacks by as much as 15%, hoping to lure the nation's Dorito-dusted fat...
“Ah sh*t, here we go again…” - CJ Gymboree Yet another tenant of the mall wing wedged between the boarded-up GameStop and the Auntie Anne’s that got shut down by the health department is officially cooked. On Sunday, The Children’s Place got its Chapter 11 on and put substantially all of its assets up for sale. Now it has until Dec. 9 to find its own sugar daddy with low standards, and it wants a deal done by year-end. Yes, that includes Gymboree, which TCP b...
“Who knows, might fck around and hike 50.” - Chris Waller, basically Bad news for the poors anyone who hasn’t opted out of capitalism. The straight-up, missionary Consumer Price Index rose 0.4% in October, per the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The nerds were looking for 0.3%. “F’ food and energy, all my homies hate food and energy.” Didn’t help much, though. Core CPI (read: everything minus food and energy) rose 0.3% vs. the 0.2% expec...
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