“When I was a young boy in Bulgaria…” “Mr. Tenev, this is the SUPREME COURT.” “Thank you for that very important question, Your Honor.” In case you forgot, Vlad Tenev's previous trip to DC involved getting publicly humiliated by Congress while attempting to filibuster his way out of a public execution tell a touching story about growing up in a poor European company. This time, he's skipping Congress and going STRAIGHT to the nine pe...
Well, the chips in your portfolio may be getting absolutely DESTROYED right now… but Goldman Sachs just pushed its entire stack into the middle of the table. Because according to the worker bees employed by “DJ D-Sol” (banker by day, bottle service by night), Jensen Huang may have screwed more than his marriage… but that doesn't mean the entire bull market is going down with him. In its newly released 2027 global macro outlook, Goldman strategists led by...
Bahhh gawd, that’s Pets.com’s music… Sooo apparently, the dot-com bubble’s original poster child is back on its bullsh*t. Cisco, the company that gave us Webex, beat on the top and bottom lines Thursday, and shares rose in extended trading. Revenue jumped 24% to $18.5B vs. the $18.1B the Street expected, and adjusted EPS came in at $1.40 vs. $1.33. Per the networking giant, that’s its strongest growth in over 15 years (read: since it was still selling Flip ca...
Bah Gawd! That’s Samsung’s music… What's the first move you make after Apple steals your foldable smartphone gimmick? The ONE thing you could still hold over Tim Cook's John Ternus’s head? Well, if you’re in Samsung’s shoes… you sue his ass do what any self-respecting private equity bro would do. Buy a 100-year-old Wisconsin HVAC company for $5.6 BILLION. A company that’s literally survived the Great Depression, two worl...
Tell me your sugar daddy is having a bad week, without telling me… Just yesterday, the neoclouds (think: GPU rental shops for AI labs) had themselves a day after CoreWeave and IREN both beat, with CoreWeave jumping nearly 25%. Then on Thursday morning, the international leftovers of Russia’s Google (read: Nebius) reported Q3 results that body bagged estimates. And because nothing is ever enough for you people, shares sank 10%, giving back most of their own 15% pop from Wednesday....
Hims & Hers: "We take your privacy seriously." The FTC: "Then explain why Zuckerberg knows about my erectile dysfunction." It appears Gen Z's favorite online pharmacy has finally discovered a medical condition it can't treat. Five state attorneys general crawling up its a**. And unfortunately for Hims & Hers shareholders, there doesn't appear to be a GLP-1 prescription available to make this particular problem go away. Quick recap: On Tuesda...
Well, that escalated quickly… I'm beginning to suspect Bill Clinton has been moonlighting as Jensen Huang's personal executive coach. And judging by the latest allegations, the curriculum has absolutely NOTHING to do with semiconductors. Because apparently ONE extramarital affair involving an alleged Chinese spy wasn't enough to keep Jensen Huang's legal team employed. Now there's a second woman.wit And this one works for him. “I’ve been wait...
Nobody: The Bureau of Labor Statistics: “You thought Jensen was done ruining your Tuesday?” Well friends, I regret to inform you that Nvidia bagholders shareholders have officially reached the “CALL MY LAWYER” stage of the AI revolution. And no, this time it isn't because Jensen announced another $100 billion investment in a company that plans to spend $100 billion buying Nvidia chips. “Those were the good old days.” -Michael Burry, probably...
Trump: *gets absolutely REKT in the midterms* Also Trump: “Perhaps the Democrats have some good ideas.” Well, well, well. Look who suddenly discovered fiscal responsibility after getting politically waterboarded by the American electorate. On Monday, the Senate voted 73-25 to advance a Trump-backed infrastructure bill designed to make it easier to build everything from power plants and pipelines to mines and data centers. The catch? The Marky Mark’s and Elo...
Us, in 2024: “Cerebras Systems is opportunistic, if nothing else.” Cerebras, on the day Nvidia lost its CEO: “Hold my beer.” Cerebras picked a hell of a day to finally have a good day. The maker of the world’s biggest chip (think: the size of a dinner plate) beat on revenue, guided way above expectations, and announced that Microsoft is now a customer. Shares popped 17% after hours. Back in 2024, we told Cerebras its numbers ($136M in sales for the first...
Us, in 2024: “Cerebras Systems is opportunistic, if nothing else.” Cerebras, on the day Nvidia lost its CEO: “Hold my beer.” Cerebras picked a hell of a day to finally have a good day. The maker of the world’s biggest chip (think: the size of a dinner plate) beat on revenue, guided way above expectations, and announced that Microsoft is now a customer. Shares popped 17% after hours. Back in 2024, we told Cerebras its numbers ($136M in sales for the first...
My boss yesterday: “Did you get my email?” Me: ¯\(ツ)/¯ Sooo, how was everyone’s Thursday half day? ICYMI, Microsoft pulled a CrowdStrike on itself. Shortly before 1 p.m. ET on Thursday, Outlook, Teams, and the rest of Microsoft 365 crapped out across regions, and some of it stayed dead for more than five hours. Outlook reports on Downdetector alone peaked at about 130,000. For context, Exchange Online (think: your work email) took the worst of it. But...
“I don’t wanna play with you anymore.” - Nvidia’s board Denny’s most valuable ex-employee just picked up a second ex. The man, the myth, the legend Jensen Huang “resigned” as CEO (and from the board) on Thursday after 33 years, and Nvidia handed the keys to its Gerri (read: CFO Colette Kress) on an interim basis. She keeps the CFO job, and her first earnings call as boss is Tuesday. Tell me you don’t have a succession plan without telli...
Michael Saylor 🤝 Prince Harry “You’ve been cut off!” In news that should shock absolutely no one… Michael Saylor has found yet another financial institution that doesn't want to HODL his bags. And sadly for Strategy shareholders, this particular institution controls which stocks trillions of dollars in passive investment funds are allowed to buy. “It's not you, it's your entire business model.” -MSCI, presumably Late last night whi...
Well, that escalated quickly… I'm beginning to suspect Bill Clinton has been moonlighting as Jensen Huang's personal executive coach. And judging by the latest allegations, the curriculum has absolutely NOTHING to do with semiconductors. Because apparently ONE extramarital affair involving an alleged Chinese spy wasn't enough to keep Jensen Huang's legal team employed. Now there's a second woman.wit And this one works for him. “I’ve been wait...
Tell me your sugar daddy is having a bad week, without telling me… Just yesterday, the neoclouds (think: GPU rental shops for AI labs) had themselves a day after CoreWeave and IREN both beat, with CoreWeave jumping nearly 25%. Then on Thursday morning, the international leftovers of Russia’s Google (read: Nebius) reported Q3 results that body bagged estimates. And because nothing is ever enough for you people, shares sank 10%, giving back most of their own 15% pop from Wednesday....
Old man yells at cloud chatbot. United Airlines just went all Dikembe Mutombo on your AI agent. On Wednesday, the airline said it’s cutting off the bots that book trips for travelers, all to protect its margins customers. Now, per United’s updated contract of carriage (read: the fine print), “the use of AI Agents to make, modify or service a Ticket” is officially banned, even if you personally gave the bot your blessing. United can also cancel any reservation a bot...
-109% of the time, it works every time… Temu Anthropic (read: OpenAI) is so back… kinda. Some snitches on the inside told Bloomberg that OpenAI’s quarterly revenue mooned past $10B for the first time in Q3. That’s up almost 50% from $6.7B in Q2, and nearly triple what it did a year ago. The numbers went out to investors on a call Tuesday. OpenAI declined to comment, because, of course. Friendly reminder, this is the same company that missed a metric fck t...
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