“It’s the war, stupid.” - James Carville JD Vance, basically It’s ok, you guys… the election cycle can’t hurt you anymore. Democrats won the House and the Senate on Tuesday, and Republicans even got their cheeks clapped in Texas, where Democrats flipped the governor’s mansion. We used to be a proper country… Thankfully, Donny Gridlock (read: President Trump) said he’d accept the results. Because of this, the Dow was up 1,511 poi...
McDonald’s might finally be figuring out how to convince cash-strapped Americans that a trip through the drive-thru is still worth the money. The Golden Arches reported mixed third-quarter earnings Wednesday, beating Wall Street’s profit expectations while coming up short on revenue. But investors seemed more interested in signs that U.S. customers are returning and management’s latest attempt to make the menu affordable again. Shares of McDonald’s jumped 5% today,...
Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile watching Elon Musk enter the wireless business: "He can't keep getting away with it!" ICYMI, Qualcomm just signed a GIRTHY 5G deal with Elon's third leg SpaceX, and… If there were any doubts to this point, the man is officially coming for your cellphone bill. *Ryan Reynolds and his annoying Mint Mobile ads have left the chat* Quick recap: Space Daddy is building an entirely new nationwide wireless network, and Qualcomm just agr...
Bart Simpson DJT shareholders: “This is the worst day of my life.” Homer Simpson Dow shareholders: “The worst day of your life… so far.” Remember when Donnie Politics warned that Democrats winning Congress would trigger another Great Depression? Apparently, what he really meant was himself and the poor bastards holding his Truth Social shares. Because after Democrats swept both chambers of Congress Tuesday night, Wall Street responded by preparing for t...
Oracle made it two whole days into No Nut November… Welp, David’s daddy (read: Oracle founder Larry Ellison) is at it again. And by “it,” we mean running a little low on cash. Oracle filed Monday to raise a cool $20B in one go with $10B in common stock (about 76.5M new shares) and another $10B in investment-grade bonds split across six tranches. Shares slipped about 2% premarket, because of course they did. Friendly reminder, at last Wednesday’s inve...
The Great Elong sell… Bad news for Elon stans today. Our ex-VPOTUS (read: Elon Musk) just got b*tch slapped by a federal judge for the second time in two weeks. Late Friday, Judge Debra Brown denied a bid by SpaceXAI, the former xAI that now lives inside SpaceX, to toss the NAACP’s Clean Air Act lawsuit over the gas turbines powering its Colossus data centers in Greater Memphis. So the case moves forward. Allow me to catch you up… (if you’re lost) the suit,...
“Claude, buy more compute. Make no mistakes.” Sooo apparently, the AI safety company just signed up for… checks notes… $895.4B of compute. Anthropic filed an amended S-1 on Monday, and tucked inside were purchase commitments and lease agreements worth $895.4B, “substantially all of which is related to compute and infrastructure.” Ok relax. Dario & Co. are reportedly eyeing a mid-November Nasdaq debut under the ticker ANT. For context, last...
Suspect: Scam Altman. Costume: Unemployed trillion-dollar panhandler AI visionary. Last seen: Approaching wealthy investors with a $30 BILLION collection bag. Damages: $10 BILLION in missing fundraising ambitions. Authorities advise billionaires to keep their porch lights off until further notice. Welp, it appears Scam Altman has discovered the one thing ChatGPT can't hallucinate into existence. Disney characters. Another $10 BILLION in actual investor commitments. Accor...
“BAH GAWD! THAT'S THE BULL MARKET'S MUSIC!” Well friends, if there's one historically reliable indicator that the stock market is back in business, it's billionaire Bill Ackman appearing on CNBC to inform the peasants that the entire financial system has devolved into a gambling addiction support group. “Every number of days, I feel like markets are broken,” Ackman complained, arguing that excessive leverage and speculative trading have turned...
Bah gawd, that’s Bob Chapek’s music… The Chief Disney Adult (read: CEO Josh D’Amaro) is going all Larry Ellison… again. Per Bloomberg, the House of Mouse is weighing thousands more job cuts across its ~231,000 Happiest Employees on Earth, and some managers have been told to find up to 20% in annual savings to jump start Mickey’s next cost-cutting phase. Heads are expected to roll hardest at the theme parks, TV networks, and movie studio. As for the sto...
“First time?” - 8.5M Windows PCs to AI agents, probably Sooo apparently, the AI fun police have a kill switch now. CrowdStrike unveiled its AI Kill Switch at its Fal.Con Europe conference on Tuesday, which lets security teams terminate rogue AI agents, block them from restarting, and cut off their network access (read: send them to the gulag). Per CEO George Kurtz, in another totally non-terrifying chat with Jim Cramer on Mad Money: “Everyone is building AI agents,...
Rack RAM City B*tch… Well, so much for the AI sell-off. AMD put on an absolute clinic on the top and bottom lines after the bell Tuesday. Revenue jumped 45% from a year ago to $13.38B (vs. $13.09B expected), and adjusted EPS came in at $2.09 (vs. $1.95). Shares popped another 8% after hours, on top of a regular-session rally that snapped a three-day losing streak tied to fears that everyone’s overspending on AI (the stock’s still up about 125% this year). Bigly.&nb...
“BAH GAWD! THAT'S THE BULL MARKET'S MUSIC!” Well friends, if there's one historically reliable indicator that the stock market is back in business, it's billionaire Bill Ackman appearing on CNBC to inform the peasants that the entire financial system has devolved into a gambling addiction support group. “Every number of days, I feel like markets are broken,” Ackman complained, arguing that excessive leverage and speculative trading have turned...
Shopify CEO during earnings call: “Are you not entertained?” Shareholders: “Straight to jail.” One would think that hackers redirecting all your customers to fake checkout pages and stealing their credit card information would be the biggest scandal a company could face in one quarter… But apparently, Shopify's real crime was facilitating credit card theft coming up $10 million short on $3.75 BILLION in expected revenue. At least the hackers had to...
Explosive diarrhea 🤝 Explosive earnings In what might be the first earnings report in Wall Street history where the phrase “liquidity crisis” applies equally to shareholders and customers… Yum Brands just pulled off a rather spectacular financial magic trick. The Taco Bell and KFC parent beat Wall Street's third-quarter profit estimates despite a diarrhea-causing parasite outbreak that sent customers running for the exits sprinting toward the nearest functi...
Bah gawd, that’s Bob Chapek’s music… The Chief Disney Adult (read: CEO Josh D’Amaro) is going all Larry Ellison… again. Per Bloomberg, the House of Mouse is weighing thousands more job cuts across its ~231,000 Happiest Employees on Earth, and some managers have been told to find up to 20% in annual savings to jump start Mickey’s next cost-cutting phase. Heads are expected to roll hardest at the theme parks, TV networks, and movie studio. As for the sto...
“Paging Dr. Fggt Michael Burry” - Alex Karp, probably… Uncle Sam just got cucked outspent. How? Because once again, Palantir put on a clinic. The software maker that uses AI to make foreign adversaries go “boom” beat easily on the top and bottom lines after the bell Monday: adjusted EPS of 44 cents (vs. 41 cents expected) on $2.31B in revenue (vs. $2.18B). Sales nearly doubled from a year ago for its first $2B quarter ever, and net income more than doubled...
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs, Tim… Johnny Sins (read: new Apple CEO John Ternus) just wrapped his first earnings call, and shares took a 3% L after hours… right after Apple posted its “best fiscal year ever.” Wait, what? For the record, The Think Different Co. beat on the top and bottom lines. Think: $2.10 in earnings per share vs. the $1.99 analysts expected, and $114.48B in revenue vs. $113.39B (up 12% YoY). Gross margin (47.9%) beat the 47.5% estimate too, with about...
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