Remember when we used to just throw steel balls at Cybertrucks? Bring me back… Pour one out for the Cybertruck, friends. On Friday, Phony Stark (read: Elon Musk) said Tesla will shut down the steel trapezoid’s production line in about eight months. Then on Monday, he hopped on X to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. Per Elon: “The Cybertruck order rate far exceeds our production rate.” Sounds legit. Tesla will “try to make as many as possible,” but it...
GPU CPU TPU. Perfect timing, Google. One day after the sneaky link himself (read: Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang) admitted to an affair with an alleged Chinese spy, Google rolled out two new versions of its tensor processing units, or TPUs (think: Google’s homemade answer to Nvidia’s GPUs). Alphabet shares popped as much as 3.2% premarket, while Nvidia shed 5% premarket on the scandal. ICYMI, Jensen is having a worse day than you. U.S. intelligence reportedly believes Alice Huang (no...
Two Huang’s don’t make a right… There's having a bad Monday. There's having a REALLY bad Monday. And then there's waking up to discover the CEO of the entire f***ingi AI trade your $4.5 TRILLION company has publicly admitted to an affair with a suspected Chinese intelligence operative. This is why your financial advisor keeps telling you to diversify, you absolute degenerates. I wish this was satire, but less than 24 hours after yesterday's bombs...
With the clock counting down to Anthropic's highly anticipated Wall Street debut, where Dario Amodei hopes to dethrone SpaceX as the biggest IPO in history… the company is making sure it has enough electricity to support those ambitions. And it's willing to spend $3.4 BILLION to get it. According to reports, Anthropic purchased commitments for 1.7 gigawatts of heavy-duty power generators from OnePWR Solutions, a San Antonio-based equipment supplier. The agreement, reached...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Jensen Huang Apparently, all it took to give Wednesday's post-election rally a shorter shelf life than Trump's press secretary (RIP) was one angry tweet from an 85-year-old multi-millionaire socialist. And boy, did Bernie Sanders deliver. Wednesday evening, fresh off Democrats sweeping both chambers of Congress, Bernie fired off a warning that “Americans don’t want Big Tech oligarchs wrecking the environment, gutting job...
Elon: “It's just a little political volatility. Nothing to worry about.” *Checks account* -90,717% Elon: “I thought the maximum loss was 100%?” If you’re currently looking at your AI-heavy portfolio down (checks notes) 13% today and feel like a chump… Imagine how dumb Elon Musk feels having just spent $474 MILLION trying to keep his political allies in power… only to somehow turn that starting stake into NEGATIVE HALF A TRILLION DOLL...
McDonald’s might finally be figuring out how to convince cash-strapped Americans that a trip through the drive-thru is still worth the money. The Golden Arches reported mixed third-quarter earnings Wednesday, beating Wall Street’s profit expectations while coming up short on revenue. But investors seemed more interested in signs that U.S. customers are returning and management’s latest attempt to make the menu affordable again. Shares of McDonald’s jumped 5% today,...
With the clock counting down to Anthropic's highly anticipated Wall Street debut, where Dario Amodei hopes to dethrone SpaceX as the biggest IPO in history… the company is making sure it has enough electricity to support those ambitions. And it's willing to spend $3.4 BILLION to get it. According to reports, Anthropic purchased commitments for 1.7 gigawatts of heavy-duty power generators from OnePWR Solutions, a San Antonio-based equipment supplier. The agreement, reached...
“Why would I deceive you?” - Elizabeth Holmes Lachlan Murdoch, to the DOJ The real-life eldest Roy boy (read: Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch) just finished months ahead of schedule. Fox officially backed up the Brinks truck on Friday and closed its $22B acquisition of Roku, aka the makers of the smart TV OS you sign into and forget to sign out of at every Airbnb you’ve ever stayed at. The plan in June was to wrap this up in the first half of 2027. Instead, Roku stonkholders are...
If only Warren Buffett were around to see this… Reports of Oracle's investment strategy being dead have been greatly exaggerated. Chip stocks have cratered 30% in a month, tech is trading at a discount to the S&P for the first time since 2017, and the same FinTwit geniuses who called Buffett washed are now comparing margin calls. Meanwhile, Berkshire Hathaway is somehow having the time of its life. Shares are up 12% in a month, and Greg Abel just spent $9.6 BILLION buy...
Congress: “Did you allow a Chinese operative to penetrate Nvidia's defenses?” Jensen: “Define penetrate.” For far too long, Michael Burry has been nonstop warning us that Nvidia was at the center of the biggest financial circle jerk in history. Turns out, he might've been right afterall. Because while our little office drummer was honed in on Nvidia's suspiciously circular AI investments… Jensen was apparently getting his Huang tangled up...
“Hit it and quit it.” - North Korea and Binance’s CFO, respectively Sooo apparently, the $6.3B wasn’t the only thing walking out of Binance this month. On Saturday, the world’s biggest crypto exchange said its CFO, Kaiser Ng, is leaving the company… exactly nine days after North Korean hackers pulled off the biggest crypto heist of all time (even Celsius’s CFO waited almost three weeks). Per co-CEO (and CZ’s baby mama) Yi He: “Kaise...
“It’d be a lot cooler if you did…” - Wooderson Mike Intrator Bending the knee isn’t just for Donny Politics anymore. On Friday, the Ingratiator (read: CoreWeave Mike Intrator) slid into Texas Governor-elect Gina Hinojosa’s DMs with a letter. The ask? A chance to work with her transition team on “the responsible completion of permitted projects” and “clear, durable standards for future development.” Friendly reminder, Hinojosa is the...
If only Warren Buffett were around to see this… Reports of Oracle's investment strategy being dead have been greatly exaggerated. Chip stocks have cratered 30% in a month, tech is trading at a discount to the S&P for the first time since 2017, and the same FinTwit geniuses who called Buffett washed are now comparing margin calls. Meanwhile, Berkshire Hathaway is somehow having the time of its life. Shares are up 12% in a month, and Greg Abel just spent $9.6 BILLION buy...
“Why would I deceive you?” - Elizabeth Holmes Lachlan Murdoch, to the DOJ The real-life eldest Roy boy (read: Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch) just finished months ahead of schedule. Fox officially backed up the Brinks truck on Friday and closed its $22B acquisition of Roku, aka the makers of the smart TV OS you sign into and forget to sign out of at every Airbnb you’ve ever stayed at. The plan in June was to wrap this up in the first half of 2027. Instead, Roku stonkholders are...
Annnnd it’s gone (read: AI’s credit limit)… The only thing more American than financing a 2015 Chevy Silverado for 204 months at 19.25% APY might be financing a warehouse full of Nvidia chips at 16%. Say hello to The CW (read: CoreWeave), the proud owner of sh*t loads of GPUs it rents out to Big Tech. The yield on its 9.625% bonds due 2032 just blew past 16% (read: what lenders now want to touch this thing). Its five-year credit default swaps (think: insurance in case Co...
Happy “BTFD Day” to all who celebrate… On Thursday, the AI trade was dead, and data centers were cancelled. Fast-forward exactly one trading day, and everyone had moved money from their Kalshi account to Robinhood (sup, degenerates). For context, the Nasdaq bounced 1.09% on Friday, and the S&P 500 eked out 0.31%. The Dow lost 237 points (0.46%). Cowards. If you recall, the Nasdaq got absolutely barbecued… falling 5.5% on Thursday on fears that the...
DraftKings is betting hundreds of millions of dollars that prediction markets will become its next big business. But for now, that gamble is taking a pretty serious bite out of the company's profits. Shares of DraftKings fell sharply Friday after the sports-betting company slashed its full-year earnings outlook and lowered its revenue forecast as it pours money into competing with Kalshi and Polymarket. And the size of that earnings downgrade caught investors' attention. DraftKi...
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