Well, the chips in your portfolio may be getting absolutely DESTROYED right now… but Goldman Sachs just pushed its entire stack into the middle of the table. Because according to the worker bees employed by “DJ D-Sol” (banker by day, bottle service by night), Jensen Huang may have screwed more than his marriage… but that doesn't mean the entire bull market is going down with him. In its newly released 2027 global macro outlook, Goldman strategists led by...
Bahhh gawd, that’s Pets.com’s music… Sooo apparently, the dot-com bubble’s original poster child is back on its bullsh*t. Cisco, the company that gave us Webex, beat on the top and bottom lines Thursday, and shares rose in extended trading. Revenue jumped 24% to $18.5B vs. the $18.1B the Street expected, and adjusted EPS came in at $1.40 vs. $1.33. Per the networking giant, that’s its strongest growth in over 15 years (read: since it was still selling Flip ca...
Bah Gawd! That’s Samsung’s music… What's the first move you make after Apple steals your foldable smartphone gimmick? The ONE thing you could still hold over Tim Cook's John Ternus’s head? Well, if you’re in Samsung’s shoes… you sue his ass do what any self-respecting private equity bro would do. Buy a 100-year-old Wisconsin HVAC company for $5.6 BILLION. A company that’s literally survived the Great Depression, two worl...
Us, in 2024: “Cerebras Systems is opportunistic, if nothing else.” Cerebras, on the day Nvidia lost its CEO: “Hold my beer.” Cerebras picked a hell of a day to finally have a good day. The maker of the world’s biggest chip (think: the size of a dinner plate) beat on revenue, guided way above expectations, and announced that Microsoft is now a customer. Shares popped 17% after hours. Back in 2024, we told Cerebras its numbers ($136M in sales for the first...
Jensen Huang is about to single-handedly blow a 28-3 lead… We’re so back (again), you guys. Well, most of us. The Dow ripped 1,104 points (+2.15%) to 52,389.75 on Monday, back above its Election Day close, with the S&P 500 (+2.35%, its best day since April 8) and the Nasdaq (+2.74%) tagging along. Oh, and oil prices tanked after #47 downplayed the odds of more strikes on Iran. Brent slid almost 6% to $92.57 a barrel, and WTI fell 4.4% to $86.85, which, hell yeah....
Tell me your sugar daddy is having a bad week, without telling me… Just yesterday, the neoclouds (think: GPU rental shops for AI labs) had themselves a day after CoreWeave and IREN both beat, with CoreWeave jumping nearly 25%. Then on Thursday morning, the international leftovers of Russia’s Google (read: Nebius) reported Q3 results that body bagged estimates. And because nothing is ever enough for you people, shares sank 10%, giving back most of their own 15% pop from Wednesday....
Hims & Hers: "We take your privacy seriously." The FTC: "Then explain why Zuckerberg knows about my erectile dysfunction." It appears Gen Z's favorite online pharmacy has finally discovered a medical condition it can't treat. Five state attorneys general crawling up its a**. And unfortunately for Hims & Hers shareholders, there doesn't appear to be a GLP-1 prescription available to make this particular problem go away. Quick recap: On Tuesda...
Remember when we used to just throw steel balls at Cybertrucks? Bring me back… Pour one out for the Cybertruck, friends. On Friday, Phony Stark (read: Elon Musk) said Tesla will shut down the steel trapezoid’s production line in about eight months. Then on Monday, he hopped on X to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. Per Elon: “The Cybertruck order rate far exceeds our production rate.” Sounds legit. Tesla will “try to make as many as possible,” but it...
Well, that escalated quickly… I'm beginning to suspect Bill Clinton has been moonlighting as Jensen Huang's personal executive coach. And judging by the latest allegations, the curriculum has absolutely NOTHING to do with semiconductors. Because apparently ONE extramarital affair involving an alleged Chinese spy wasn't enough to keep Jensen Huang's legal team employed. Now there's a second woman.wit And this one works for him. “I’ve been wait...
“I find your breathing disturbing.” - My wife Eli Lilly Good news for mouth breathers everywhere (me). Eli Lilly said Monday that Foundayo, its once-daily obesity pill, significantly reduced the severity of obstructive sleep apnea in a late-stage trial. The trillion-dollar Weight Watchers executioner plans to file for FDA approval by year-end, for moderate-to-severe sleep apnea in adults with obesity or who are overweight. In case you don’t share a bed with a snorer, slee...
My boss yesterday: “Did you get my email?” Me: ¯\(ツ)/¯ Sooo, how was everyone’s Thursday half day? ICYMI, Microsoft pulled a CrowdStrike on itself. Shortly before 1 p.m. ET on Thursday, Outlook, Teams, and the rest of Microsoft 365 crapped out across regions, and some of it stayed dead for more than five hours. Outlook reports on Downdetector alone peaked at about 130,000. For context, Exchange Online (think: your work email) took the worst of it. But...
“I don’t wanna play with you anymore.” - Nvidia’s board Denny’s most valuable ex-employee just picked up a second ex. The man, the myth, the legend Jensen Huang “resigned” as CEO (and from the board) on Thursday after 33 years, and Nvidia handed the keys to its Gerri (read: CFO Colette Kress) on an interim basis. She keeps the CFO job, and her first earnings call as boss is Tuesday. Tell me you don’t have a succession plan without telli...
Michael Saylor 🤝 Prince Harry “You’ve been cut off!” In news that should shock absolutely no one… Michael Saylor has found yet another financial institution that doesn't want to HODL his bags. And sadly for Strategy shareholders, this particular institution controls which stocks trillions of dollars in passive investment funds are allowed to buy. “It's not you, it's your entire business model.” -MSCI, presumably Late last night whi...
Well, that escalated quickly… I'm beginning to suspect Bill Clinton has been moonlighting as Jensen Huang's personal executive coach. And judging by the latest allegations, the curriculum has absolutely NOTHING to do with semiconductors. Because apparently ONE extramarital affair involving an alleged Chinese spy wasn't enough to keep Jensen Huang's legal team employed. Now there's a second woman.wit And this one works for him. “I’ve been wait...
Tell me your sugar daddy is having a bad week, without telling me… Just yesterday, the neoclouds (think: GPU rental shops for AI labs) had themselves a day after CoreWeave and IREN both beat, with CoreWeave jumping nearly 25%. Then on Thursday morning, the international leftovers of Russia’s Google (read: Nebius) reported Q3 results that body bagged estimates. And because nothing is ever enough for you people, shares sank 10%, giving back most of their own 15% pop from Wednesday....
Old man yells at cloud chatbot. United Airlines just went all Dikembe Mutombo on your AI agent. On Wednesday, the airline said it’s cutting off the bots that book trips for travelers, all to protect its margins customers. Now, per United’s updated contract of carriage (read: the fine print), “the use of AI Agents to make, modify or service a Ticket” is officially banned, even if you personally gave the bot your blessing. United can also cancel any reservation a bot...
-109% of the time, it works every time… Temu Anthropic (read: OpenAI) is so back… kinda. Some snitches on the inside told Bloomberg that OpenAI’s quarterly revenue mooned past $10B for the first time in Q3. That’s up almost 50% from $6.7B in Q2, and nearly triple what it did a year ago. The numbers went out to investors on a call Tuesday. OpenAI declined to comment, because, of course. Friendly reminder, this is the same company that missed a metric fck t...
“It’ll be different this time.” - everyone who’s ever taken back a cheater Nvidia shareholders Never mind guys, AI is fine (as of this writing). On Wednesday, the Nasdaq ripped 1.9%, the S&P 500 climbed 1.4%, and the Dow tacked on 193 points (0.4%). That’s one day after the Leather Jacket Lothario (read: Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang) dragged the whole market down with him. Leading the charge was the still-proud owner of sh*t loads of Nvidia GPUs (read: CoreW...
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