Yes, Apple’s WWDC Was a Snoozefest… But Here’s Why I’m Still Betting on the Turtleneck Mafia

If you watched Apple’s WWDC keynote this week and thought, “Wow, iOS got a makeover, Siri can now whisper sweet nothings in multiple languages, and my iPhone screen looks like it’s been dipped in a lava lamp”... you’re not alone. But if you’re an analyst at Citigroup? You probably just shook your head, whispered “Where’s the AI?” and cut your Apple stock price target in your head.

Before we go any further, let’s get one thing straight: Apple didn’t bomb WWDC (and no I’m not a Tim Cook worshiper). But in a year when investors are begging for ChatGPT-level fireworks, Apple basically walked out with a redesigned screensaver and a slightly smarter Siri… then expected a standing ovation.

First, Apple decided to play calendar gymnastics and rename its upcoming software iOS 26, because it’ll mostly be used in 2026. This is Tim Cook’s version of skipping leg day and just Photoshopping bigger calves (works for influencers, not the richest company in the world). Sure, it helps unify the branding across devices. But let’s call it what it is… an insecurity beard. Apple’s version of jacking up the odometer on your software to look more cutting edge than you actually are. It’s like showing up to a job interview with a fake PhD and hoping nobody asks follow-ups.

Anyway, iOS 26 features a new design called Liquid Glass, which makes your phone look like it’s covered in jelly and floating on a cloud. Buttons morph into soft, glassy pills. Animations glide like butter. And Safari now stretches to the edge of your screen, because edges are so 2023. Cool? Sure. Revolutionary? Not exactly. Here’s where things get tricky for me. Apple did talk AI… but most of it was under the banner of “Apple Intelligence,” which still sounds corny to me.

That said, some new features are neat: Call screening for unknown numbers (like Truecaller, but in a turtleneck). Live translation in calls with voice mimicry… yes, your iPhone can now pretend to be your multilingual stunt double. And Visual Intelligence that lets you screenshot a concert poster and add it to your calendar, or find a jacket online with the precision of a fashion-obsessed detective.

It’s progress… but investors were hoping for an all-out AI brawl with OpenAI and Google. Instead, they got feature tweaks that feel more like catching up than breaking ahead. Wall Street wasn’t impressed. Apple fell 1.2% after the event. Analysts at UBS called the updates “incremental” and Needham labeled the whole thing “underwhelming,” noting that none of the new features were meaningful upside drivers for the stock. In other words: cool glass buttons don’t pay the bills.

And while Apple expanded its ChatGPT integration into apps like Xcode, it also admitted that the upgraded Siri it hyped last year still “needs more time to meet our high quality bar.” Read: it’s not ready, and we pulled the ads. It’s worth pointing out that Microsoft and Google have been stuffing AI into every product they touch. Microsoft turned Excel into a genius. Google’s AI can now plan your vacation, write your emails, and probably raise your kids. Meanwhile, Apple’s like, “Hey, check out this pill-shaped animation.”

Apple also did its annual ritual of “Sherlocking”... aka ruthlessly building features that kill third-party apps. They came for Raycast (with the new Spotlight), Flighty (with real-time flight tracking in Wallet), Riverside (with local podcast recording on iPad), and Truecaller (with call screening). It’s great for users… less great if you’re a startup founder waking up to your app being Sherlocked into oblivion.

Apple’s still Apple. They’re not going to rush half-baked AI features just to fit in… and in typical Apple fashion, they’ll probably show up late in the 4th quarter and end up hitting the game winning shot.

But right now, investors don’t care about rounded corners or transparent sliders. They want to see real AI bets that get the blood pumping, not just new fonts and gimmicks that mimic 2007 Windows Vista aesthetics. If Apple wants to stay relevant when it comes to AI, iPhone 17 better come with something that actually wows, or Siri’s going to be the only assistant in tech still getting ghosted by users. But let’s wait and see what happens, Apple always gets it right eventually, I have no reason to doubt them now.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple, Microsoft, and Google as mentioned in the article.