You’ve heard it a million times… from TikTok traders in oversized hoodies, YouTubers whispering into $40 mics (before trying to upsell you on their “exclusive” options course filmed from Mom’s laundry room), or one of those Wall Street fossils who still calls it “The Tape”: Volatility is a trader’s best friend.
And while that sounds like the kind of thing you’d read in a subreddit pinned above a $20K Robinhood loss, Goldman Sachs just proved it’s more than just motivational wall art for degens. In fact, their traders rode the recent tariff-induced chaos like a mechanical bull at an Austin dive bar… posting $840 million more in trading revenue than Wall Street expected. Let that sink in. Eight. Hundred. Forty. Million. Dollars. (On the other hand, you’re over here trying to decide whether to buy the dip in solar stocks, which are apparently stuck in a “forever sale” like Old Navy jeans in July.)
Let’s dive into the numbers… In Q2, Goldman pulled in $14.58 billion in revenue (that’s about $1.1 billion over estimates) and posted a 22% jump in profits year-over-year, hitting $10.91 per share. So while the rest of the market was curled up in fetal position because Trump woke up and tweeted another tariff threat, Goldman’s traders were lighting cigars with call options.
Most of the surprise upside came from equities trading, which surged 36% to a record-smashing $4.3 billion… their best stock trading quarter ever. Not since the 2008 crash have traders had this much fun (only this time, without needing TARP money). Fixed income also got a bump (to the likes of which we’ve never seen)… $3.47 billion, up 9%, thanks to all the action in currencies and credit. Basically, if it moved, Goldman monetized it. If it didn’t move? They probably found a way to charge financing fees on it anyway (it’s what Michael Scott would call a win, win, win).
All of this action was triggered by the Great 2025 Tariff War (I’m trademarking that) a chaotic back-and-forth that had bond and currency markets swinging like a wrecking ball. While most people saw headlines about potential global economic collapse, Goldman’s traders saw… opportunity. Buy the dip? More like buy the dip, sell the rip, and make fat stacks.
In addition to the trading office going prime George Soros, Investment banking also got a nice shot in the arm with $2.19 billion in fees, up 26% from last year… as companies rushed to close deals before the next round of tariff threats. Of course, not everything was perfect. The asset and wealth management division missed expectations, bringing in $3.78 billion, down 3% from last year. But when your traders just cooked Wall Street breakfast and licked the plate clean, nobody’s crying over a few stale PE returns (amirite?).
So yeah, volatility might give retail investors night sweats and a steady TUMS habit… but for Goldman, it’s a wet dream. And if their last couple of earnings reports are any indication, they’re doing pretty good (no matter how much they downplay it on “Mad Money” with that “cautious optimism” routine).
At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Robinhood as mentioned in the article.
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