Wall Street’s Most Notorious Crypto Hater Gives In, Offers Bitcoin ETFs to Clients…

Jamie Dimon, the O.G. crypto hater and CEO of JPMorgan Chase, just greenlit bitcoin access for clients… and yes, that sound you hear is Jamie’s major “sigh” being force-fed into a Bloomberg terminal at full volume. 

(Source: Giphy) 

Keep in mind, this is the same guy who called bitcoin “worthless,” compared it to a “pet rock,” and told Congress the only people using it were criminals, tax cheats, and terrorists. Now? “We are going to allow you to buy it,” he said at JPM’s annual investor day, presumably while choking on his own irony. “We’re not going to custody it. We’re going to put it in statements for clients.” Translation: “Fine, you can touch the stove. Just don’t ask me to light it for you.”

To be clear, Dimon still thinks bitcoin is a scam. He didn’t walk it back. He didn’t soften. He didn’t even pretend to be interested in learning how a blockchain works. He just looked at the market, saw that every other major bank is already letting clients buy spot bitcoin ETFs, and decided to stop pretending JPMorgan could sit this one out. The bank is reportedly preparing to give clients access to bitcoin ETFs, the most toothless, regulatory-compliant crypto exposure money can buy. But hey, for all you crypto mouth breathers… it’s definitely something. 

(Source: CNBC) 

In short, Jamie’s whole energy around this is “I still think smoking kills you, but here’s your Marlboros.” But that’s the new normal here. Wall Street isn’t “getting into crypto” because they believe in the tech. They’re getting in because clients won’t shut up about it and the Trump administration quietly lit the regulatory roadblocks on fire. Since January, the FDIC and OCC have walked back anti-crypto guidance. The Fed is still playing hard to get, but even they’ve eased up since the repeal of SAB 121, which lets banks custody crypto again. So the guardrails are loosening, the ETF floodgates are open, and even the most crypto-averse institutions are being dragged into the pool… one vanilla product at a time, baby. 

Now why is all of this such a BFD? Well, it’s not that JPMorgan is suddenly a crypto innovator (that’s not happening)... what matters is that the largest bank in the U.S., run by the loudest crypto skeptic in finance, just acknowledged that ignoring bitcoin is no longer an option. If Dimon can’t kill it, he’ll monetize it. And that’s all you need to know about where this market is headed.

(Source: Giphy) 

Meaning, Bitcoin has gone from “tool of criminal empires” to “line item in a JPMorgan client portfolio” in less than a decade. Not because Wall Street believes in decentralization, but because it believes in fees. And if you think that isn’t going to reshape the entire financial landscape, you haven’t been paying attention. This is absorption, plain and simple… and every single bank on Wall Street is hungry for it. 

Now of course, you can do what you will with this information, but given the cesspool of degenerates who couldn’t get enough of this good news… I’m sure it’ll only fuel JPMorgan’s 15.67% MTD returns even more. Obviously, don’t quote me on that… and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends… 

Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.