Wall Street Erupts as Trump Channels His Konnichiwa Punch Into a Record-Breaking Rally...

If you told a JPM quant four months ago that Trump would slap “reciprocal” tariffs on Japan and Europe, and the market would rip to all-time highs, they’d probably ask what strain of edibles you were on. But here we are: the Dow just added 508 points (+1.14%), the S&P 500 closed at a fresh record of 6,358.91 (+0.78%), and the Nasdaq moonwalked and closed over 21,000 (+0.61%)for the first time in human history… all while tariffs spread like politically weaponized glitter.

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In short, Trump’s late-night Truth Social bombshell contained a “massive Deal” with Japan featuring 15% reciprocal tariffs and a similar one reportedly in the works with the EU (Bloomberg and Financial Times, approved). Now if this feels a bit out of place, you’re not alone. But the markets are clearly loving it. The tariff-era sequel… now featuring friendly-fire duties and investment reshoring dressup… has yet to deliver the economic carnage it promised in 2018. Instead, it’s generating revenue, forcing capital back into U.S. factories, and lighting a fire under equities. Louis Navellier even called it “inspiring,” which coming from him really means “slightly unhinged but definitely effective.”

Even GE Vernova, a tariff punching bag, surged 14% after brushing off a $300–$400 million hit like it was a parking ticket. They raised guidance and basically told every investor that while they’re eating the cost now, they’ll burp up the profits later. Bigly. Meanwhile, retail degeneracy made a glorious return as Wall Street Bets targeted GoPro and Krispy Kreme, sending them up 12% and 4% respectively in what appears to be a spiritual reenactment of 2021. Spoiler: Pre-market for both stocks was downright violence for shorts.

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Additionally, French fry peddler Lamb Weston soared 16% after demolishing earnings expectations and launching a cost-cutting campaign promising $250 million in savings by 2028. Which, in Wall Street time, is basically post-apocalyptic. AT&T reported better-than-expected profits and still couldn’t find direction, while Texas Instruments and Fiserv took it on the chin with 13% and 14% drops, respectively, because apparently even in a bull market, someone’s gotta bleed. As for big tech, shares mostly floated higher on the optimism fumes. Nvidia and Meta were up, Microsoft and Amazon edged green, and Apple did its usual thing where it drops 0.1% and still feels smug about it. Tesla barely moved. Alphabet and Tesla earnings are dropping after the bell, so expect at least one chart tomorrow to look like a cardiogram.

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Oh, and crypto twitter is still downright cringe as Bitcoin hovered around $118,400, slightly down from its overnight spike but still near all-time highs. In the end, tariffs were bullish today while donuts were falling from the sky (in a good way). Translation: Nothing really makes sense, nowadays… and that’s exactly the point. All-Time-Highs baby! Until next time, friends… 

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Meta, Microsoft, Tesla, Alphabet, and Apple as mentioned in the article.