Vlad Tenev Perfectly Downplays “OpenAI Stock” As Definitely NOT Internet Magic Beans…

Wait, you thought you could own a piece of OpenAI from your phone, in Europe, because Vlad Tenev told you so on CNBC? According to OpenAI, that’s a big no. In case you missed Vlad Tenev’s latest “anyone can get rich quick” scheme, Robinhood rolled out “stock tokens” so European users could allegedly get “exposure” to private companies like OpenAI and SpaceX. 

(Source: Giphy) 

How? By buying blockchain-based tokens backed by a convoluted web of special purpose vehicles and Vlad’s unbreakable confidence. Not equity. Not even a participation trophy. Just fugazi internet money and a prayer. Naturally, OpenAI did what you’d expect from a company run by guys who think data privacy is for “beta testers.” Sam Altman’s crew got on X, took one look at Robinhood’s tokens, and publicly dragged them: “These aren’t equity, these aren’t from us, and nice try but you’re not getting anywhere near our cap table.”

As for Vlad? Well… he took it personally. 

(Source: Meming Wiki) 

The Silicon Valley Cyrano ends up sitting on CNBC, shrugs like a man who’s already floated off into SPAC-induced nirvana, and mouth-breathes, “In and of itself, I don’t think it’s entirely relevant that it’s not technically an equity instrument.” Yes, he said that. Twice. The kind of logic you only hear from someone who just lost his credit card and is still ordering bottle service. Which I’d bet every dollar I’d have that our boy Vlad has done atleast once. 

(Source: CNBC) 

But alas, the best part is how Robinhood tries to hand-wave the mechanism, saying the tokens are “enabled by Robinhood’s ownership stake in a special purpose vehicle.” Translation: somewhere, in an off-Broadway tax jurisdiction, is a legal filing that connects you to… something vaguely OpenAI-adjacent, assuming the winds are favorable and your lawyer knows a guy. But definitely not actual shares. If you bought this thinking you’d show up at the next OpenAI board meeting, you’re going to be waiting in the parking lot with a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and nothing to show for it but shame.

Low and behold, we now have the Lithuanian central bank, which for some reason is the chaperone here. These poor bastards have to pretend they’re on top of it while Robinhood speedruns regulatory whack-a-mole. Lithuania: “We’re awaiting clarifications, and please stop trying to invent derivatives out of pure hope.” Give them credit for not just unplugging Robinhood’s servers and launching the office printer out the window. 

(Source: Giphy) 

As for the stock, shares are ripping 2% on the day. So naturally, to Robinhood’s degenerate audience, they could give two sh*ts about anything Sam Altman claims, alleges, or says on the matter. Keep in mind though, this is typical Vlad Tenev in action. Remember 2021? When Vlad “temporarily” shut off the buy buttons for meme stonks and explained it as “just settlement mechanics, not market violence, nothing to see here”? Guess what… this is somehow even dumber and yet… Everyone is horned up over it. 

In the end, regardless of how many OpenAI tokens are bought, the only exposure to OpenAI anyone is getting is how many times ChatGPT spits out the words, “Sorry, I can’t provide that information”... which, incidentally, is still a more authentic OpenAI experience than whatever Vlad’s shilling on chain. Meaning, for now, keep your eyes on this story and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Robinhood as mentioned in the article.