Vlad Declares War on Vegas Bookies Right Before Kickoff… Cathie Adds $25M to Her HOOD Stash

"I'm never gonna financially recover from this."

That’s what every Robinhood trader is going to be saying after betting their entire account (and possibly Grandma’s house) on Joe Burrow and his defenseless Bengals winning the Super Bowl in 2025.

You heard me right… Robinhood just announced it’s launching prediction markets for NFL and college football games. Which means, in addition to getting margin-called on your YOLO Palantir options, you can now torch the rest of your paycheck trading contracts on whether Alabama covers against LSU or if the Cowboys invent yet another creative way to choke in December. Basically, Robinhood just handed every broke trader a fresh excuse to tell their landlord, “Bro, chill… it was a bad beat. I’ll get you last month’s rent next year.”

It sounds like sports betting, but Vlad would really like you to believe it’s something else. Instead of betting against Dave Portnoy’s sketchy bookie, you’re buying and selling contracts that move with the game. The markets run daily from 8 a.m. to 3 a.m. ET, so you can load up before kickoff, double down at halftime, or panic-sell in the 4th quarter after Daniel Jones lobs his third pick. Shouldn’t be too hard for Robinhood’s crowd to adapt… it’s the exact same way they trade Tesla whenever Elon fires off a “did he really just say that?” tweet. The only difference is that now your P&L depends on Caleb Williams not breaking a nail while getting folded by Myles Garrett.

And don’t you dare drop the “G-word.” Robinhood swears this isn’t gambling. Technically true: unlike DraftKings, there’s no house setting a line. These are event contracts, priced by supply and demand, and you can exit anytime before the final whistle. Sounds fancy, but let’s be real—you’re still one torn ACL away from explaining to your spouse why the vacation fund got “invested” in Notre Dame football.

And honestly, it’s not hard to see why Robinhood’s chasing this. Football is the real national religion… holier than politics, sexier than the Fed, and definitely more entertaining than whatever fever dream Cathie Wood is cooking up with her ETFs (more on her in just a moment). JB Mackenzie, Robinhood’s VP of Futures and International, spelled it out: “Adding pro and college football to our prediction markets hub is a no-brainer…” You have to hand it to them: Vlad and the gang found another layup. Nobody’s logging in to trade GDP revisions, but toss up a contract on “Will Bill Belichick have his 24-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson calling plays by Week 9?” and suddenly every dude in America thinks he’s Warren Buffett with a parlay slip.

This isn’t some throwaway gimmick either. Since Robinhood first unveiled prediction markets late last year, they’ve seen over 2 billion contracts traded. On its latest earnings call, CFO Jason Warnick called sports wagers their strongest area of engagement, while CEO Vlad Tenev straight up said there’s “a big opportunity” here. And investors seem to agree… Robinhood’s stock is up more than 400% in the past year. So while they still can’t crack the S&P 500 (for whatever reason), they’re clearly keeping retail traders glued to their phones.

It’s also clever timing. Rolling out football markets right before the season starts guarantees headlines, and working with Kalshi, a federally regulated exchange, helps Robinhood skip the red tape circus at the state level.

And speaking of timing… how perfect is it that “Mama Cathie” Wood piled another $25 million into Robinhood stock right before Vlad rolled out the most degenerate idea imaginable? Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Robinhood as mentioned in the article.