Unilever Picks New CEO to Run Ben & Jerry’s Unhinged Ice Cream Bonanza (Chaos Ensues)

Unilever just threw another scoop of drama into the Ben & Jerry’s blender, and… surprise… the aftertaste is pure acid-reflux. The Magnum Ice Cream Company (Unilever’s Ice Cream division) just announced Jochanan Senf will be the next global CEO of Ben & Jerry’s… effective mid-July, assuming he survives the next board meeting. 

(Source: Giphy) 

To be fair, it’s not like Ben & Jerry’s needed more chaos. The last CEO, Dave Stever, got yeeted by Unilever in what the Ben & Jerry’s independent board calls a blatant violation of the original merger deal. That “independent” board is supposed to safeguard all the social activism the brand is famous (or infamous) for things like BLM, pro-Palestinian statements, and the kind of Instagram posts that make HR reps consider self-employement. 

(Source: Wall Street Journal) 

However, under the deal when Unilever bought Ben & Jerry’s in 2000, the board gets final say on social mission and marketing. Unilever, meanwhile, wants to keep the peace long enough to spin its entire ice cream business…. Magnum, Ben & Jerry’s, Breyers… out as a separate entity later this year. And if you’re thinking “Why not just sell it?” Well, they tried. Nobody wanted it. So now it’s a forced divorce, and the stepkids are fighting over the living room rug. 

But alas, Senf, ran Ben & Jerry’s Europe and held a bunch of other food division gigs at Unilever. To investors, this isn’t about whether he prefers Cherry Garcia or Netflix & Chill’d… it’s about whether Unilever can keep its ice cream spinoff from turning into a governance sh*t show. Spoiler: It already has. The Ben & Jerry’s board claims it wasn’t consulted, wasn’t invited to the interviews, wasn’t even on the email chain. Unilever’s official statement? “We tried, but they ignored us and threatened more litigation instead.” Gaslighting, much? Who knows… but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. 

(Source: Giphy) 

For investors, every round of boardroom mudslinging signals to the market that this “independent” activism clause is a financial bootie trap. “You mean boobie trap?... That’s what I said…  bootie trap!” Meaning, if you’re trying to value the upcoming spinoff, you now have to price in the likelihood of more public feuds, extra legal costs, and the possibility that every social campaign becomes a shareholder risk event. Want a nice, predictable dividend? Not gonna happen. 

Meanwhile, Unilever’s attempts to calm investors feel about as convincing as a vegan claiming they “don’t miss cheese.” The company even trotted out Peter ter Kulve, its ice cream boss, to claim they “collaborated in good faith.” Translation: They wanted this done yesterday, and the board wanted to stage a filibuster with an extra side of violence. 

(Source: Giphy) 

In the end, if you’re holding Unilever right now (currently down -1.21% on the day) you’re betting the ice cream drama will settle down long enough for the spinoff to actually trade above book value. If you’re a governance hawk, you’re already reaching for the popcorn… because there’s legit zero chance this circus melts quietly. Translation: New CEO, same brain freeze. For now though, keep your eyes on this clusterf**k and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.