Uber Panic Buys Turkish Delivery Empire for $700 Million In Wake Of DoorDash’s $3 Billion Buyout…

Uber just bought itself 85% of Turkey’s largest delivery empire for $700 million in cold, hard cash so they could take control of 200 million food orders a year in a country they barely operated in yesterday. Bigly energy. 

(Source: Giphy) 

In short, this was a classic Uber play: the growth story starts breaking down back home, go find a new sandbox where no one knows you’re the a$$hole yet. And that’s exactly what they’ve done. Uber walked into Turkey, saw Alibaba’s pet project pumping out $2 billion in gross bookings a year, and decided to buy the whole buffet. And a buffet it is. Trendyol GO delivered 200 million orders last year, and now Uber is dropping this acquisition bomb one day before their Q1 earnings. 

Coincidence? I think not. Uber’s been getting spanked by DoorDash in the U.S., backed out of a $950 million deal in Taiwan, and is still pretending autonomous vehicles are a real thing and not a decade-long science fair project burning investor cash. So yeah, buying a Turkish delivery platform that already works, already dominates, and already scales is exactly the kind of distraction the Street loves. Especially when DoorDash is already making its own massive splash with a $3 billion Deliveroo buyout. 

(Source: CNBC) 

What’s more, is that Dara calls this deal a “reflection of our long-term commitment to Türkiye”. That’s great for PR, and headlines, but honestly, the only thing Uber’s committed to is whatever makes the stock go up for 48 hours. If Erdoğan nationalizes Trendyol GO next year, Uber will ghost the entire country and pretend it never happened. 

But, but, but… what about the Alibaba situation? Well that’s something no one is really talking about. Trendyol is owned by Alibaba—a.k.a. The same company with the Chinese government’s hand so far up its tail it can’t sneeze without state approval. Meaning, Uber just bought controlling interest in a Chinese-backed food logistics company inside a NATO country that’s already half-flirting with Russia. Do you really think Trump & Co. are going to let this deal soar by with flying colors? No, but that move remains to be seen. 

(Source: Giphy) 

But again, Uber doesn’t care. They don’t do nuance. And considering they are a company that has never made a dollar of net income without asterisks… they’ll make sure it gets done. Their business model is asset-light and reality-optional. Buy growth. Sell hype. Repeat until the checks bounce. Genius. 

So yeah, Uber now owns most of Trendyol GO. And they’ll ride that until it stops printing headlines or revenue, whichever comes first. Then they’ll move on, just like they always do. Because Uber’s not a business. It’s a fever dream. And this week, it’s dreaming in Turkish. Meaning, keep your eyes on this story and place your bets accordingly, friends. Until next time…

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Stocks.News holds positions in Uber as mentioned in the article.