The Final Tally: Trump/China’s Trade Truce Lives “A Bug’s Life”... Elon’s Tripping, Tesla’s Ripping

It’s 2025. I’ve lived through Y2K, the Great Toilet Paper Crisis of 2020, a pandemic that had CNBC anchors afraid to cough on air (for fear of getting black-bagged by the CDC), and whatever the hell that whole NFT monkey era was. So at this point, I thought nothing could surprise me. And then today happened… and I leaned in like that video game meme guy in total disbelief.

It was 8:02 a.m. sharp… before I even had a chance to sip my coffee or mentally prepare for whatever fresh nonsense the market had cooked up, and bam, Trump hit us with one of his signature all-caps morning specials on Truth Social: “China HAS TOTALLY VIOLATED ITS AGREEMENT WITH US.” Good morning to you too, Mr. President.

That "agreement" he’s referring to was the trade truce signed less than three weeks ago (18 days, to be exact). Apparently, it had the same lifespan of a Mayfly. Within minutes, Bloomberg came in like a wrecking ball, reporting the Trump admin is planning to tighten down on China’s chip sector by targeting subsidiaries of already-blacklisted firms. Now even their second cousins twice removed need a U.S. government permission slip just to shake hands.

Markets initially freaked out. The Nasdaq plunged as much as 1.6%, the S&P dropped 1%, and the Dow slipped 0.6%. But a cooler-than-expected Core PCE print and strong showings from Costco and Ulta helped calm the nerves. By the close, traders shrugged off the headlines, and all three indexes limped into the green like nothing ever happened.

And just as the Trump-China drama was heating up, The New York Times dropped a wild scoop on Elon Musk. Apparently, while helping Trump on the campaign trail, Musk was allegedly popping Adderall, ecstasy, ketamine, shrooms (you name it). One source even said he carried a 20-compartment pill box on him like a rave-themed lunchable. (Today was also the day he was supposed to appear with Trump at the White House for a press conference. So if he starts talking about teleportation or Martian democracy during the press conference, now you know why. Despite all that, Tesla somehow ended the week up and saw a 22% gain in May.

Meanwhile, inflation did ease up… at least on paper. The Core PCE index, which strips out food and energy and pretty much the Fed’s crystal ball, rose just 0.1% in April and 2.5% year-over-year, a slight dip from March’s 2.7%. Sounds promising, right? Not so fast. Powell and crew still have their feet hovering over the brakes, not the gas. With Trump threatening to reignite a tariff war and global supply chains already stretched thinner than a Spirit Airlines seat cushion, the Fed’s worried any progress could evaporate by summer. So instead of prepping for cuts, they’re standing off to the side, arms crossed, waiting to see if the economy spills punch on itself.

Here’s a quick rundown of the biggest moves today: Ulta popped 13% after raising its full-year outlook. Costco climbed 3% on strong earnings and 8% sales growth. The $1.50 hot dog remains untouched, which probably helped. Gap (got smoked, down 20% after saying next quarter’s sales would be “flat.” Dell dropped 17% after AI server demand flopped (saying “AI” a dozen times doesn’t equal sales). MongoDB cratered 23% after guidance tanked. And Regeneron fell 17% on mixed lung drug results.

And yet… May closed as a monster month. The Nasdaq skyrocketed nearly 10%, the S&P 500 finished up close to 6%, and the Dow locked in a 3% gain (not great for all the dividend investors, but it’ll get going eventually).

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.