A year ago, “trade war” was a CNBC drinking game. Now, it’s basically a value trap for anyone who still thinks tariffs are something you only pay when you’re too cheap for Amazon Prime. The S&P 500 closed Tuesday down a whopping 0.07%... traders everywhere wasted six hours only to finish with the same returns you get from that savings account your dad set up 30 years ago. As for the Nasdaq, it barely pulled out a gain of 0.03% while the Dow looked like it just binged watched the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Read: Dazed, confused, and down 165 points.
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As for President Trump, the man, the myth, the legend spent the day administering Red Bull enemas to copper futures and giving Wall Street a policy Rorschach test. Aug. 1 is the “no-exceptions” tariff start date...until it isn’t...until it absolutely is, because the man posted it on Truth Social flanked by, I don’t know, a bald eagle and the ghost of Andrew Jackson. Never mind the Monday deadline whiplash. Never mind his earlier “not 100% firm” walkback. The only thing firmer than his stance right now is the collective sphincter of the commodity desk at JPMorgan.
Speaking of commodities, if you’re feeling nostalgic for 1989, copper futures printed a 13% gain in one session after Trump slapped a 50% tariff on imports. Good day to be a hoarder, bad day if your local Home Depot was about to put plumbing on promo. This was the metal's best performing day since… you guessed it… 1989. Meanwhile, banks played sad trombone as HSBC warned everyone to “be careful out there,” so JPMorgan and BofA immediately lost 3%. Goldman Sachs, allergic to bad news, only managed to cough up 2%.
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On the bright side, Nvidia keeps inching toward a $4 trillion market cap, which means Jensen Huang is now legally allowed to print his own currency and declare sovereignty over your Wi-Fi router. Oil stocks, Devon and Halliburton, jumped 6% after alternative energy names like First Solar and NextEra got smacked with Trump’s “green energy can kick rocks” executive order.
Elsewhere, Datadog, was taken behind the woodshed as Guggenheim called “sell” and warned about 30% downside after OpenAI decided it’d rather DIY its data than pay retail. Hershey also got punched -3% as management decided to swap out leadership, hiring former Wendy’s CEO Kirk Tanner. Oh, and for the crypto mouth breathers, Bitcoin is now flirting with $109k, up from its little overnight slip. All-time highs aren’t far away, so yes, my cousin with the “laser eyes” X profile is insufferable again.
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In the end, all is fair in greed and tariffs. And right now, August 1 is circled, underlined, and probably going to be erased, three more times. Meaning, buckle up, keep your heads on the swivel and place your bets accordingly. It might get a bit wild in the coming days. Until next time, friends…
If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.
At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Devon Energy and Amazon as mentioned in the article.
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