The Final Tally: Grandma Went to the Doctor and Tanked the Dow 473 Points… “Jerome, You’re FIRED!”

Well, besides Trump threatening to fire Jerome Powell for not firing up the money printers (because clearly the solution to complex monetary policy is yelling “You’re fired!” from the Oval Office and Truth Social) Today was… eventful. With markets closed for Good Friday, Wall Street decided to throw every headline into the blender before skipping town for Easter.

The Dow tanked 473 points, thanks almost entirely to UnitedHealth (its largest component) going full Hindenburg. Shares of the insurer crashed 23% after it cut back its full-year profit forecast, citing higher-than-expected outpatient costs. I guess Grandma actually used her Medicare Advantage plan this quarter. (How dare she.)

At the same time, the S&P 500 squeezed out a 0.3% gain, probably out of sheer stubbornness for some more green, while the Nasdaq ended basically flat after a week of tech stocks getting kicked in the chips.

Speaking of which, Nvidia continued its never ending fall from grace… down another 3% today after fessing up to a $5.5 billion hit tied to U.S. export restrictions on its AI chips. (You know it’s bad when Jensen Huang starts looking like he’s about to pitch a GoFundMe.)

And just as investors were processing that mess, Trump came roaring back into the headlines, accusing Powell of being “too late” on rate cuts and implying he might just remove him (as if the market’s struggling solely because of interest rates and not putting triple digit tariffs on our largest trade partner).

But hey, not everything sucked. Eli Lilly popped 16% (its best day since 2000) after its experimental weight-loss pill smashed expectations. If this thing keeps working, Ozempic might need to update its Tinder profile. Netflix also rose nearly 2% ahead of earnings, continuing its 2025 glow-up with a 9.6% gain on the year.

And Hertz somehow went up another 50% after Bill Ackman revealed he now owns nearly 20% of the company. (Yes, the same company that went bankrupt during COVID. Welcome to the stock market.)

And just to rain on everyone’s parade, Truist downgraded U.S. equities to “less attractive.”

Anyway, enjoy your Easter weekend… and hey, with the market closed tomorrow, at least you can’t lose any money. Call it a holiday miracle.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.