If you bought the dip, you’re being rewarded BIGLY.. again. The market’s now soaring like that whole tariff reality tv show was just a bad acid trip… never happened, don’t ask, we’re moving on.
The headline of the day? Coinbase officially joined the S&P 500, becoming the first crypto exchange to ever make the cut… less than a year after the SEC was basically trying to throw them in a holding cell next to Sam Bankman-Fried. It’s the first crypto exchange to ever make it into the S&P, which is kind of like your stoner cousin getting accepted to Yale after being arrested at Burning Man. As a result, the stock soared 24% as crypto bros all across the world celebrated history being made.
Over in “Indexland,” The S&P 500 jumped 1%, flipping green for the year after being deep in the red just five weeks ago. The Nasdaq ripped nearly 2%, led by Nvidia… which crossed the $3 trillion market cap line again after announcing it’s shipping 18,000 of its AI chips to a Saudi-backed data center. (Ironically, the Saudis now want to mine more than oil.)
On the other hand, the Dow tanked 166 points, thanks to UnitedHealth yanking its guidance, blaming rising costs, and their CEO peacing out with the classic “personal reasons” excuse. Investors didn’t buy it… shares crashed 18%, bringing the stock’s year-to-date loss to 37%. Not exactly the kind of healthcare plan shareholders signed up for.
One of the biggest catalysts behind the market’s rally was April’s CPI report, which showed inflation cooled to 2.3%... the slowest pace since 2021. Naturally, Trump went full caps-lock on Truth Social, shouting that “everything is DOWN!!!” and demanding Jerome Powell cut rates ASAP. He even dubbed the Fed chair “Too Late Powell,” which might be right up there with “Crooked Hillary” and “Sleepy Joe.”
And just to complete the power play, Trump secured a $600 billion investment commitment from Saudi Arabia, targeting U.S. tech and defense sectors. The announcement came during a high-profile trip to the region, where Trump stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang.
If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.
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