Soho House Gets Repo’d By Apollo’s $840B Tow Truck… Ashton Kutcher Rides Shotgun

After a sh*tshow of a public run, Soho House (the bougie members-only clubhouse where Meghan Markle allegedly sips overpriced cocktails and films podcast rants about how exhausting it is to pick her kids up from school) is tapping out of Wall Street. It’s going private in a $2.7 billion deal. The buyout team is none other than MCR Hotels and Apollo Global Management, the $840 billion money machine that always tends to get what they want (see their takeover of Shutterfly and ADT).

The offer is $9 a share, which looks pretty good… until you remember the IPO was $14 in 2021. So yeah, not sure shareholders are celebrating this as much of a win. More of a relief that at least the pain can finally end. And, yes, I’ve actually been to Soho House once. A friend who was a member dragged me along to the Nashville location one time. I expected it to be all pomp, overpriced tapas, and “networking opportunities” (aka guys named Chase who work in private equity). But honestly? It was cool. So maybe this turnaround has a chance.

Now for the circus. Dan Loeb (activist investor, part-time club bro) went from calling the $9 offer cheap to suddenly acting like the world’s biggest fanboy. His statement: “As both a shareholder and Soho House member, I support this transaction and am pleased to see management of the club in good hands.” In other words: he got paid and probably a reserved Wi-Fi connection by the rooftop pool. Ron Burkle, the billionaire grocery legend who already controls the place, is rolling his stake too. And to really get things cooking, Ashton Kutcher is sliding onto the board. Yes, that Ashton Kutcher. The guy who once made Justin Timberlake cry on Punk’d is now Punk’ing the poor bastards who thought Soho House stock was ever a legit investment.

Here’s the real issue: Soho’s entire pitch is “we’re exclusive.” But when you’ve got 270,000 members across 46 spots, it’s less “secret society” and more “every kid who applied got into the frat.” It’s like if Harvard suddenly said yes to everyone with a pulse… the brand’s mystique evaporates overnight. You still get the velvet ropes, but the guy standing next to you in line probably works in middle management at your local bank.

The members know it too. They gripe about cold fries, slow service, and the fact that booking a pool chair in Manhattan feels less like luxury and more like refreshing Ticketmaster at 10:01 a.m. during the Jonas Brothers reunion tour. Yet here’s the paradox: the more they complain, the more they pay. Soho pulled in $118.6M in membership revenue last quarter, with 91.5% of members sticking around. So this goes to show: people may b*tch, but they’re still paying thousands to sit by the pool.

To make the deal palatable, Apollo tossed in more than $700M in equity and debt, dressing it up as “hybrid financing” (aka making up fancy names for leverage). The move pulls Soho off the public market hamster wheel and back into the shadows, where it can focus on long-term vibes instead of getting grilled on short-term earnings calls.

All jokes aside, this might actually be the best thing that could’ve happened to Soho. MCR Hotels already runs 30,000 rooms and has a history of turning weird properties into cash machines. Apollo basically prints money in its sleep. Dan Loeb gets to strut around like he won the Super Bowl. Shareholders get their $9 a share (which feels more like hush money than a payday). And as for Ashton Kutcher? He now gets to sit in board meetings a few times a year to help PR. Remember, this is the same Hollywood actor who wrote early checks into Uber, Airbnb, and Spotify… so yeah, he knows a thing or two about backing winners.

Going forward it’ll be interesting to see how Soho holds up now that it’s in the hands of finance bros with bottomless pockets. And honestly? Having been inside, I get why people buy in. The vibe’s solid, the drinks hit, and (speaking of everyone’s favorite Princess, Meghan Markle) the rooftop feels like something ripped straight out of a Suits episode, with Harvey squeezing in a workout while trying to close a huge retainer with Goldman Sachs.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Uber and Spotify as mentioned in the article.