Babe, wake up. Oracle just promised to stop borrowing money (again).

Well, it’s official… Kevy Kev announced that interest rates wouldn’t be doing jack sh*t Wednesday. The Fed held at 3.75-4%, a month after its first hike since 2023. Traders saw it coming (~93% odds, per CME FedWatch), so the S&P 500 added 0.2% for its third straight green day, the Nasdaq tacked on 0.1%, and the Dow climbed 122 points.

Fun fact: Two officials dissented because they wanted another hike, which, rude. Per Warsh, the Fed is still focused on “price stability,” and the jobs picture has been “quite positive.” He also swore politics played “no role” (lol), even with Donny begging for cuts and the midterms next week. And he said the Fed will hold fewer rate-setting meetings in the coming years.

As for the company that appears to have single-handedly ushered in the bursting of the AI bubble… Oracle had itself a day (+11%) after its big investor pitch, where it called for $225B+ in fiscal 2030 revenue (about 35% growth a year) and $21+ in adjusted EPS. In other words, Oracle is back on its bullsh*t.

If it feels like you’ve already seen this movie, it’s because you have. Oracle pitched the same tent $225B and $21 at last year’s investor day, and the stock has lost about 60% since. Oof.

Friendly reminder, back in June, Oracle was raising capital like a Web3 NFT project during the ZIRP era. Its borrowings have swelled to about $125B, S&P Global cut its credit rating to BBB- (read: one notch above junk), and free cash flow was -$23.7B last fiscal year.

Now, Larry Bat-Outta-Hellison (read: Oracle founder Larry Ellison) and co. say they’ll cap new fundraising at $20B through fiscal 2030, half debt and half stock, on top of the $20B in shares they already sold this summer. Oracle also expects free cash flow to flip positive in the back half of fiscal 2028. Of course, a big chunk of its $664B backlog leans on one money-losing customer: drumroll, Scam Altman’s OpenAI.

Elsewhere, in stonk land, SK Hynix’s US-listed shares ripped 13% on its record quarter, which is more than the stock rose back home in Seoul (+8%). Americans gonna American. Micron, Arm, Marvell and AMD rose 2-4% too. Alphabet (+1%) and Microsoft (-1%) report after the bell, with Microsoft fresh off offering 60k employees the boot “voluntary” buyouts.

Oh, and it was chicken tendies for everyone. Chili’s parent Brinker International jumped 15% after raising its full-year outlook to $13.30-$13.90 in adjusted EPS (vs. the $13.28 Wall Street wanted). Chili’s same-store sales rose 10% on its new Big Crispy chicken sandwich, its 22nd straight quarter of growth.

Wingstop went stonk price go brrr too (+15%), even though revenue missed ($185M vs. $193M) and domestic same-store sales fell 5.4%. Wingstop blamed “continued pressure on consumer spending” (translation: they’re all at Chili’s now). Per CEO Michael Skipworth, “we are not satisfied with our third quarter results.” But adjusted EPS of $1.08 beat the $1.02 estimate, so investors were plenty satisfied… ¯\(ツ)/¯

But… but… but, not everyone got tendies, though. The cybersecurity company F5 beat on revenue ($917M vs. $885M), beat on adjusted EPS ($4.42 vs. $4.26), announced a $1.5B buyback… and still got its cheeks clapped (-20%). Investors hated the fiscal 2027 outlook: revenue growth slowing to 8-9% from 11%, and an $18-$18.30 EPS forecast that barely cleared the $18.03 estimate. Piper Sandler piled on with a downgrade to neutral.

All in all, nothing broke… (yet) as the only thing Kev cut today was… checks notes… a few meetings? Fun times. 

Until next time, friends… 

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

 

☕ Market Gossip

> Meta- and Google-backed Jio Platforms’ shares soar over 21% on trading debut after record IPO (CNBC): “I’m about to say ‘record IPO’ so mf loud” - every banker in Mumbai

> VCs will make billions on Anthropic’s IPO, but Amazon is set to make much (much) more (TechCrunch): Prime returns.

> UBS CEO Signals Possible Switzerland Exit Over Capital Demands (Wall Street Journal): Toblerone walked so UBS could run… 

> Putin Says Russia Coordinates With ‘Genius’ Musk on Satellites (Bloomberg): Find someone who talks about you like Putin talks about Elon…

“WTF” Meme of the Day

Today, in things that will piss you tf off… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Meta, Google, and Microsoft as mentioned in the article.