Oracle Catches a Bid As ByteDance Gives U.S. a Very Merry TikTok Christmas…

TikTok’s “Chinese algorithm” is about to go the way of the original Jacked3d formula (RIP)... 

We all know Larry’s been catching strays for weeks now (especially this week)... but with the White House’s initiative with an absolutely stacked team of mostly old, white government officials to control an app made for dancing teenagers, Larry may’ve just caught some luck. 

(Source: Giphy) 

According to a leaked internal memo, TikTok has finally signed the papers to spin up TikTok US… a real, honest-to-God American JV… and somehow Oracle is right in the middle of it. Again… like a cockroach that survives every nuclear blast. The deal is expected to close January 22, which means by January 23 you’ll be able to duet a thirst trap, argue about geopolitics, and get served an ad for a Dodge Ram… all under the warm, glizzy glaze of U.S. investors. 

As for the new entity itself, POTUS lent his John Hancock to call it TikTok USDS Joint Venture LLC, with an ownership breakdown that includes: Oracle, Silver Lake, and Abu Dhabi’s MGX at 45%, Existing ByteDance investors at ~33%, and ByteDance itself at 20%. Meaning, China’s still in the room, but it’s no longer the big swingin’ dick sitting at the head of the table. That’s reserved for Oracle as they’re now being crowned TikTok US’s “trusted security partner.”

(Source: Axios) 

Again, the same company that single-handedly gave the AI world a nose beer induced dopamine rush a few weeks back only to be ghosted by Blue Waffle Owl this week… has somehow convinced the U.S. government it’s the adult in the room when it comes to algorithm security. Per the memo, Oracle will be responsible for auditing compliance, safeguarding U.S. user data, and validating that TikTok’s recommendation engine isn’t being quietly steered from Beijing. They’ll also oversee the retraining of the algorithm on U.S. user data.  Meanwhile, TikTok’s global teams will still handle the fun stuff like ads, commerce, and keeping the app addictive enough to ruin attention spans worldwide.

That said, the valuation is about $14 billion for TikTok U.S…. which is a number that feels low until you remember this thing spent four years being passed around like Bonnie Blue during “Petting Zoo”. Now here we are. Oracle as the hall monitor of Gen Z. From a market perspective, this is sneaky bullish for $ORCL. Oracle doesn’t need TikTok to grow… it just needs the clout. Being stapled to one of the most powerful consumer algorithms on Earth buys them credibility in AI conversations they were very much losing. 

(Source: Imgflip) 

Is Oracle suddenly cool? No. Is this the cleanest solution anyone could come up with? Probably. Is Larry Ellison somehow still winning? Unfortunately, yes. The man has perfected the art of falling up the stairs. Meaning, while TikTok lives… America gets its data fig leaf. And everybody walks away slightly unhappy. Which, historically, is how you know a deal worked. Until next time, friends… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.