Meta, Apple, and Google Are Playing “Not It” Over Child Safety… SCOTUS Is About to Pick the Loser

You know that Spider-Man meme? The one where three Spideys are standing in a triangle, all pointing fingers at each other in a “who’s the real fraud here?” kind of standoff? Yeah… turns out that’s no longer just internet humor. It’s now a fully-funded, multibillion-dollar, live-action courtroom drama starring Meta, Apple, and Google. (Popcorn and Icee’s not included, but subpoenas are.)

What’s playing out is a regulatory brawl over who’s responsible for keeping kids safe online. On the surface, it sounds noble. But once you peel back the “protecting children” PR fluff, it’s really just a blame game with billion-dollar consequences. Each tech giant is sprinting away from responsibility like a corrupt politician. (Because if Big Tech hates anything more than taxes, it’s consequences.) At the heart of it, lawmakers want to know: who should be checking that users are actually old enough to use apps like Instagram, TikTok, or whatever unhinged AI photo filter is trending this week?

Meta says it’s Apple and Google’s problem. Their logic is that the app stores control access… so if they’re the liquor store, they should be the ones checking IDs. (Apparently, Meta sees itself as the poor innocent distiller just trying to move some wholesome digital moonshine.)

But Apple and Google are calling BS. They say they’re just the mall. If someone opens a vape-and-trauma kiosk inside, that’s not their fault. Apple even shot back with its own metaphor: Meta is the liquor store… they just rent them the space. (Honestly, the metaphor-off might be the most honest part of this whole thing.)

So who’s right? Depends which state you ask. Utah, Texas, and Louisiana passed Meta-backed laws that make app stores responsible. But states like California and Arkansas say individual platforms need to do the verifying. Meaning, we’ve got a messy patchwork of laws and one very obvious outcome: someone’s gonna get sued.

Naturally, Meta’s playing the game with one goal in mind: don’t get stuck holding the bag. Verifying billions of users and storing their age data is not a cheap or lawsuit-proof plan. So they’re lobbying like crazy, backing laws in 20+ states, and supporting a federal bill sponsored by Sen. Mike Lee (yes, that Mike Lee… the “Facebook is destroying society” guy). If Meta wins, Apple and Google eat the bill.

But Apple and Google aren’t taking that lying down. Tim Cook called Texas Gov. Greg Abbott directly to try to kill the bill (because nothing says “this escalated quickly” like CEOs dialing governors). Google’s spokesperson pointed the finger back and shouted: Meta is just trying to “offload their own responsibilities” and introduce new privacy risks for kids. (Says the company that knows your YouTube history better than you do.)

Of course, Apple’s countering with an “age assurance” feature that lets parents share a kid’s age range without giving up sensitive data. Translation: “We’ll help, but we’re not building Zuck a babysitter.”

Things behind the scenes are getting weird. Meta’s been bouncing between alliances like someone trying to find a new friend group after a messy breakup. They ditched the Chamber of Progress (the tech world’s equivalent of the brunch squad), teamed up with Spotify and Match Group (because nothing says “protect the children” like the makers of Tinder), and are allegedly helping fund a conservative coalition to push these app store accountability laws. Not to be outdone, Apple fired back with ad campaigns claiming the bills are secretly backed by porn sites. Which… isn’t true, but when in doubt, shout “porn!” and watch everyone panic.

And now, it’s heading to the Supreme Court. In NetChoice v. Fitch, the Fifth Circuit said Mississippi’s age verification law is fine. Meta and Google (yes, both in the same trade group, because irony is undefeated) are appealing. If SCOTUS upholds the law, every state could pass their own version. Cue compliance chaos. So what happens to the Big Three? Well, Meta wins big if it pushes liability upstream… dodging lawsuits and looking like it suddenly cares about kids (which, let’s be honest, is new). But if they lose? We’re looking at a legal firestorm unlike anything we’ve ever seen.

Apple’s App Store dominance is at risk. If forced to verify users across thousands of apps, the costs go up, the developer grumbling gets louder, and privacy becomes a liability. But if they sell regulators on the “we’re the privacy kings” story, it could actually strengthen their walled garden.

Unfortunately (for you if you own shares), Google’s in the worst spot. Between the Play Store and YouTube, they’ll likely be blamed no matter how the chips fall. Lose in court, and it’s infrastructure overhauls, ad targeting crackdowns, and a giant bill… with no iPhone profits to soften the blow.

And let’s not forget… this goes way past American politics. The UK’s Online Safety Act drops this year. Australia’s rolling out age checks. If the U.S. joins in, it creates a global compliance regime that could make GDPR (the “stop hoarding everyone’s data like a digital raccoon” law from the EU) look like a warm-up act. Any company that isn’t ready will either pay through the nose or start geo-blocking half the internet.

So no, this isn’t just about who’s supposed to check a teenager’s birthday. It’s about which company is about to eat a multi-billion-dollar punch to the balance sheet… and which one gets to walk away as the sheriff of the post-regulation internet.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Meta, Apple, and Google as mentioned in the article.