Mama Cathie Unveils Her 3-Step Program for Coping With a Dying Crypto Market

Since it’s Black Friday (our national holiday of trampling each other for electronics) it only makes sense to spotlight crypto’s most enthusiastic “sale shopper.” Mama Cathie is back in the aisles, and the cope is absolutely overflowing.

It’s no secret that crypto’s showing some pretty big warning signs. Bitcoin’s down almost 25% this month. Stablecoins suddenly aren’t so stable. Coinbase is down 25%, and Block is down so horrendously you’d think Jack Dorsey shaved his beard again (-18%). Needless to say, the smart money is making it pretty clear they think crypto winter has officially arrived.

But Cathie’s convinced the rest of us just don’t get it.

During ARK’s webinar, she told the entire crypto market to take a chill pill because this whole “liquidity squeeze” panic is about to flip. And soon… like before you finish your thanksgiving leftovers. She argues the market’s been stuck in this weird liquidity bottleneck, December’s rate call sitting on the calendar like a dentist appointment, and the shutdown scare finally left the chat. Put that cocktail together, and she thinks the money freeze strangling crypto and AI could finally crack open as December rolls in.

Even more hilarious, ARK actually went back and reworked its Bitcoin valuation model to account for all the changes in the market… and somehow the $1.5 million bull case did not move an inch.

You’d assume updating the model would tone down the delusion. Wrong. They went full send. The big shift was acknowledging that stablecoins (the digital IOUs we all pretend are boring) are now doing the job Bitcoin was supposed to dominate: becoming the “insurance policy” for emerging markets. They’re pushing $300 billion in market cap and hoarding U.S. Treasuries like they’re coordinating Powell’s retirement party. Bitcoin, meanwhile, is dragging its feet in those regions, so ARK chopped that assumption with no hesitation.

Of course, this is all happening while gold’s market has risen from $17 trillion to $28 trillion, which ended up balancing the model out. Cathie saw that and went, “Mhm. $1.5 million stands. Moving on.”

And while most hedge funds and billionaires are hitting the SELL button on their crypto holdings. ARK has been not-so-quietly buying up more than $20 million worth of crypto-linked stocks… Coinbase, Block, Circle, all of them. They even topped up their spot Bitcoin ETF during one of the steepest drawdowns of the year.

And look, I respect sticking to your guns… but running all those numbers and somehow changing zero assumptions? That’s peak delusion. It’s why it’s hard to treat Mama Cathie as anything more than a walking meme sometimes. But hey… she called Tesla at $30. If she wants to call Bitcoin at $1.5 million, who are we to stop her?

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Tesla as mentioned in the article.