Jamie Dimon’s “Market Panic Monetization” System Hits New High Score: $47.1B in Revenue

Jamie F’ing Dimon. The only guy who can yell “fire” in a crowded market and sell the extinguishers for record profits.

While the rest of us are still arguing over which AI stock to dump before it dumps us, Jamie Dimon just clocked JPMorgan’s best third quarter ever. And he did it while pretending the economy was “softening.” 

The 225-year-old bank (founded by Aaron Burr, the guy who literally shot Alexander Hamilton, because of course it was) hauled in $47.1 billion in revenue (up 9% from last year) and $14.4 billion in profit, up 12%. Earnings came in at $5.07 a share, easily crushing Wall Street’s $4.84 forecast. Translation: even when Jerome Powell’s playing hard to get, Jamie still finds a way to make it rain.

(Source: CNBC)

But the real showstopper wasn’t the profit margin… it was the $8.9 billion trading haul, a record for JPMorgan. That’s what happens when Wall Street’s favorite hobby (panicking over Trump’s trade policies, then panic-buying when the panic cools) goes into full swing. Trump posts something whacky on Truth Social? Time to scalp the futures. Beijing threatens tariffs? Double down on credit swaps. Powell invents a new way to say “we’re cooked” during a press conference? Hedge fund managers panic, and Dimon’s desk prints cash.

Case in point, fixed income trading exploded 21% to $5.6 billion, equities jumped 33% to $3.3 billion, and investment banking fees climbed 16% to $2.6 billion. Between this quarter and last, I think it’s pretty clear Dimon’s traders make money off uncertainty like Dave Portnoy makes money off controversy.

Meanwhile, Dimon gave his standard humblebrag: “We hope for the best but prepare for a wide range of scenarios.” (Translation: we’re buying dips, hedging doom, and sending interns for more Starbucks.)

That said, he did note that credit loss provisions rose 9% to $3.4B… a quiet admission that a few borrowers might soon ghost him. But for now, business is booming, and the economy’s still showing up to work.

Of course, JPM’s stock barely moved on the news, because when you’re already king of Wall Street, a record quarter just means another notch on the bonus belt.

Somewhere, Goldman Sachs’ David Solomon is nodding in solidarity (both banks posted billion-dollar beats this week) but let’s keep it a buck: only one CEO can wear the “I run capitalism” golden suitjacket, and his name rhymes with Pay Me Dimon.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Starbucks as mentioned in the article.