History Screams “Sell-tember,” Wall Street Yells Back “Buy Now, Pay Later” (Dow Smashes Record High)

You can call it “Sell-tember” all you want, but the tape’s flashing “Add to Cart” like Bezos just personally emailed traders a coupon code. And yeah, people love that tired line about “history repeats itself”… which is true for basically everything except the clown show we call the modern stock market. Empires collapse, mullets come back in style (against our will), but September’s supposed to tank… and instead it’s blasting past records like it just raided Lance Armstrong’s medicine cabinet.

To end this phenomenal week (courtesy of Jerome the Debt Dealer), the Dow popped 134 points to a fresh record (0.3%), the S&P 500 also gained 0.3% (copycat), and the Nasdaq skipped higher by 0.5%. Even the Russell 2000 managed to set a record intraday before coming back down to earth and closing down 0.5%.

Apple got all the eyeballs, rallying 2% as its latest iPhone officially hit stores worldwide. It’s the same annual ritual: lines snaking outside malls, people justifying $1,000 upgrades for a phone that looks identical to last year’s, and Tim Cook quietly pocketing another few billion in market cap. 

Tesla tacked on another 1.5%, which at this point feels like muscle memory for the stock… whenever liquidity loosens, Elon somehow ends up closer to funding his Mars colony.

Brighthouse Financial spiked 26% after Bloomberg reported Aquarian Holdings was circling with a buyout offer worth $65–$70 per share (because in this market, rumors are basically legal tender). 

Scholastic cratered nearly 11% after posting a wider-than-expected quarterly loss… I guess the magic of Harry Potter couldn’t cover a $2.52/share hole in earnings (Expelliarmus doesn’t work on balance sheets).

And SolarEdge kept its hot streak alive, adding another 4% to cap a staggering 24% gain on the week. Solar names love cheaper borrowing costs (sunshine is free, debt isn’t), and with Powell cutting rates, the rooftop-panel crowd just got an even sweeter financing package (great news for my neighbor who brags about being “off the grid” but now has a new 50-year-loan.)

The weekly tape still looks solid… Nasdaq’s up 1.7%, S&P 0.8%, and the Dow 0.7%. Even the Russell 2000, despite tripping Friday, is cruising more than 2% higher. Of course, Nationwide’s Mark Hackett had to remind everyone valuations are stretched at 22x earnings (translation: he’s jealous you’re making money).

And then there’s Ray Dalio, always ready to rain on the fiat parade (guy’s basically Eeyore with a hedge fund). The Bridgewater founder warned that with the U.S. drowning in debt (thanks in part to Trump’s $3.4T tax bill) traditional currencies are looking shaky af. His advice is to park at least 10% of your portfolio in gold or non-fiat currencies. It’s the Bernie meme IRL: “I am once again asking you to buy gold and crypto.”

And speaking of Trump… his team is eyeing a $550B fund to juice American manufacturing and secure minerals, possibly unlocking federal land like a game show prize wheel: “Spin it, win it, build it.”

They had us in the first half not gonna lie… Septic September, Sell-tember, Sadtember… but looking at these fresh records, September’s actually starting to look pretty good to me.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple and Tesla as mentioned in the article.