FT: Goldman Says BTFD, Dario Pitches Claude Christ, Jensen-less Nvidia Gets Downgraded (-53%?)

Well, the chips in your portfolio may be getting absolutely DESTROYED right now… but Goldman Sachs just pushed its entire stack into the middle of the table.

Because according to the worker bees employed by “DJ D-Sol” (banker by day, bottle service by night), Jensen Huang may have screwed more than his marriage… but that doesn't mean the entire bull market is going down with him. 

In its newly released 2027 global macro outlook, Goldman strategists led by Peter Oppenheimer predicted that stocks will continue mooning next year, even as corporate earnings growth slows and the AI data-center spending frenzy begins to cool.

Their reasoning?

The recent tech sell-off has made stock valuations considerably more attractive.

Translation: Jensen Huang's alleged confirmed inability to keep his pants zipped just gave all us normies a YUGE opportunity to BTFD (buy the f***ing dip).

Though Goldman isn't about to put a ring on its $8,700 prediction without making investors sign a prenup first.

The firm warned that borrowing costs could remain elevated and volatility could stay ugly, even as it expects inflation, bond yields, and oil prices to cool next year.

Goldman Sachs: “I see a beautiful future together.”

Also Goldman Sachs: “My lawyer says you need to sign this.”

Meanwhile, reports of Jensen’s THIRD alleged mistress were still making the rounds when HSBC analyst Frank Lee gave Nvidia shareholders another reason to start drinking, downgrading the stock from Buy to Hold and absolutely massacring his price target. 

Lee said investor confidence has been shaken by Huang's departure, particularly because Nvidia still hasn't named a permanent replacement for its former CEO.

Thank you, Captain Obvious…

CFO Colette Kress is currently running the show on an interim basis.

And while HSBC believes Nvidia's underlying business remains intact, the firm warned that uncertainty will persist until a new CEO can prove they're capable of running the company.

Which means next Tuesday's earnings call could be the first in Nvidia history where “How many?” is a question nobody wants to answer. 

As far as Indexland, things went about as you’d expect after the world’s most powerful company’s CEO fell on the sword.

The Nasdaq fell 1%, while the S&P 500 dropped 0.6% and the Dow slipped just below the flatline before closing out the day in the green.

Oh and nobody tell Chef Bessent, but 10-year Treasury yield rose to 5.17%, its highest level since October.

Meaning: Inflation still won't take the hint, borrowing money just got more expensive, and Uncle Kev (read: Kevin Warsh) might be closer to RAISING rates in December than cutting them.

Last but not least, Anthropic's IPO is SIX days away, and Dario Amodei is pulling out every trick in the book to get you to cough up $2 trillion.

The latest claim?

A slew of medical miracles.

Cancer? Cured. Alzheimer's? Gone. Heart disease? Pack your bags.

“And for an extra $20 a month, Claude will turn your water into wine.”

Okay, slight exaggeration. But during a Friday conversation with JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon, Anthropic's chief laid out his vision for AI helping eliminate some of humanity's deadliest diseases.

He also talked up AI agents taking over everything from cybersecurity to robotics.

All while Anthropic's reported IPO valuation expectations have slipped below the $2 TRILLION figure it was previously hoping for.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

Market Gossip

>Microsoft apologizes for massive outage that took down Outlook and other 365 services (CNBC): The first Microsoft update in history that actually improved employee morale.

>Jensen Huang Had A Third Affair—With Another Nvidia Employee, Report Says (Forbes): LIVE FOOTAGE of Jensen watching a third mistress hit the timeline.

>AI could wipe out humans in the next three years, British godfather of AI to warn (Metro): On a positive note, I guess we can finally stop worrying about Social Security running out.

>SoftBank’s failed bet on gas turbines for AI drove $3.7bn charge (Financial Times): SoftBank's Vision Impairment Fund strikes again.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Microsoft as mentioned in the article.