Final Tally: Saylor Fanboys Pull a Bieber Grammys Exit… Donnie’s Factory Pitch Finally Hits

If you or any highly degenerate loved ones have been affected by the skydiving accident that is Bitcoin in 2026… you may be entitled to… (read in a Conor McGregor voice) absolutely nooootinnnn.

Someone might want to do a quick check-in on Michael Saylor at his Miami mansion today. You know… the same guy who’s been pillaging the podcast circuit with the “buy Bitcoin at any price and you’ll see” motto, blowing the minds of Patrick Bet-David and friends with galaxy-brain explanations of why leverage + delusion = eternal wealth.

Yeah. That guy’s been real quiet today.

Bitcoin officially slipped under Saylor’s personal “WTF we’re screwed” meter of $76,000 per coin… the price level he treated like holy ground. This marks the first time since 2023 that Satoshi’s one and only gift to mankind has traded below Strategy’s average cost. Turns out that line in the sand was more of a chalk outline.

In response, the strategy for all of Strategy’s shareholders was to exit their stock similar to how Justin Bieber exited the stage after performing the Grammy’s in his underwear (it’s called art, you wouldn’t understand).

Bitcoin is now down 12% over the past five days, which places cryptoheads firmly in the same emotional corner as the gold-bug grandpas who briefly last week thought they were about to rule the world like Ancient Rome. Funny how the market does that… builds you up, hands you a crown, then absolutely humiliates you in public.

Anyway, outside of the crypto dumpster fire (and don’t even get me started on altcoin), stonks actually got their swagger back to start February.

The S&P jumped 7%, while the Dow and Nasdaq climbed 1.2% and 0.8%, respectively. Which is objectively hilarious when you consider half of FinTwit spent the last week screaming that the world was ending. 

It turns out earnings are playing a big part in steadying the ship (Buffett would be proud). About one-third of S&P 500 companies have reported so far, and 78% have beaten expectations. Deutsche Bank says earnings growth is tracking toward its strongest pace in four years. That’s not nothing.

Meanwhile, the macro data is playing ball as well.

Two separate manufacturing reports came in hotter than expected in January, with production seeing its sharpest jump since May 2022. Translation: factories are awake again, machines are humming, and recession Twitter had to quietly delete a few drafts.

But don’t go all pants off energy just yet… Friday’s all-important jobs report… is now delayed, thanks to yet another partial U.S. government shutdown. I know, shocking. Last but not least, make sure to keep an eye on Amazon and Alphabet who report earnings this week. Until next time player…

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

Market Gossip

>‘Deadbeat’ hedge fund boss, sued by his own mother, declares bankruptcy — and lists two guinea pigs among $239K in assets (New York Post): Siri, what are the odds that this movie could potentially put up Wolf of Wall Street kinda numbers?

>'Melania' doc beats box office expectations despite criticism, poor reviews (CNBC): I was today’s year old when I found out that the movie was financed by Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos to the tune of $75 million… Politics never disappoint.

>Trump threatens to sue Trevor Noah over Epstein joke at Grammys (BBC): Ask the New York Times and Wall Street Journal, Donnie doesn’t play around.

>Gold Slump Eases as Traders Weigh Unwinding of ‘Crowded’ Bets (Bloomberg): Gold Bugs: I want you to put the word out that we back up.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Bitcoin, Strategy, Amazon, and Alphabet as mentioned in the article.