EU Scrambles to Inflict $28 Billion Tariff Pain on U.S. After Trump Assault—Leave the Bourbon Out!

The European Union is trying its hardest to look like it has its sh^t together, but in all seriousness, it’s hard to keep 27 countries on the same page when Donnie Politics just dropped a trade nuke on your largest export market. Trump’s new wave of tariffs—25% on steel, aluminum, cars, and 20% “reciprocal” duties on basically everything else—has sent Brussels scrambling for a response. Publicly, they’re talking about unity. Behind closed doors though, it's a mess of conflicting interests, fragile alliances, and economic self-preservation.

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Which is why now, the Commission is expected to throw out its first salvo of counter-tariffs this week, targeting up to $28 billion in U.S. goods. It’s a curated list that includes everything from bourbon (God no, not the bourbon!) and chewing gum to toilet paper and dental floss. Meaning this CVS receipt of “you tax me, I’ll tax you back” looks more like a passive-aggressive shopping list than a real economic threat, but that’s the point: they want to hurt, not escalate. Still, even this “soft touch” retaliation is already exposing faults. 

For instance, France is pushing for a broader, more aggressive response—Macron even floated the idea of suspending EU investment in the U.S. until Washington backs off. Meanwhile, Ireland, which sends nearly a third of its exports to the U.S., is begging everyone to calm the hell down. Germany is trying to play both sides, saying the EU has leverage but also quietly hoping Elon Musk’s zero-tariff dream somehow manifests into policy. Spoiler: It won’t. 

(Source: Reuters) 

And then there’s the internal bickering over bourbon tariffs (as there should, for God's sake). Brussels wants to slap a 50% duty on it. Trump, never one to back down from a pissing contest, threatened a 200% counter-tariff on EU wine and spirits. That sent France and Italy into panic mode. Now they’re lobbying to water it down LOL. 

The real problem though is that Brussels doesn’t have the same firepower. The EU exported €532 billion to the U.S. last year. Imports from the U.S.? €334 billion. That imbalance means Trump can inflict a lot more pain than the EU can dish back. And everyone in Brussels knows it. ‘Merica, baby. For this reason, the Commission’s strategy, for now, is to play it slow. Propose the small stuff, get it rubber-stamped in a vote on Wednesday, and hope it’s enough to get Trump back to the negotiating table. But that assumes negotiations are even a viable option. So far, talks have gone nowhere. EU trade chief Maros Sefcovic called his two-hour meeting with U.S. counterparts “frank.” Translation: a waste of time.

(Source: Reuters) 

What’s more is that there’s also talk of reaching for the EU’s Anti-Coercion Instrument, a policy nuke that could block U.S. companies from public tenders or target American services. France is pushing for it. Ireland says it’s “very much the nuclear option.” Most countries want to pretend it doesn’t exist, at least until the next escalation. But make no mistake—once that door opens, this stops being a tit-for-tat game over bourbon and becomes a full-blown economic war presumably led by career alcoholics. 

The funny thing about this whole clusterf*k is that the EU has spent years preaching rules-based trade and multilateral governance, only to find itself boxed in by a unilateral trade policy it can’t meaningfully stop. They want to look tough without actually taking risks. They want to retaliate without escalation. They want to stay united without stepping on anyone’s national interest. Yeah, good luck with that in 2025 ya ole chaps. 

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Of course, we are all hoping for a de escalation of this trade war, but simply put, if the EU can’t figure out how to assert some without without self-sabotaging, it’s going to get steamrolled with a swift courtesy of the U.S. of A. Meaning, keep your eyes on this pissing match between us and our acquaintances overseas. Hopefully there’s a resolution, but who am I kidding? As always, stay safe and stay frosty, friends. Until next time! 

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