Dimon & Co. Warns of Economic Collapse, Trading Revenue Soars to Unseen Levels—The Irony is Thicc…

JPMorgan just did what JPMorgan does best: make a boatload of money while the rest of the world burns. The bank dropped its Q1 earnings on Friday, and as expected, they absolutely crushed their report. We’re talking $5.07 earnings per share on $46.01 billion in revenue, compared to the $4.61 EPS and $44.11 billion that analysts had jotted down. Translation: Estimates got smoked.

(Source: Giphy) 

Of course, equities trading was the big winner here. That division alone raked in $3.8 billion, up 48% year-over-year. Now, in case you missed it, outperforming by $560 million is not normal. That’s “holy hell, retail was all exit liquidity for JPM last quarter” levels. Because while retail traders were getting whiplash from Trump’s tariff pains—JPMorgan’s trading desk was out here printing stacks left, right, and twice on Sunday. 

In addition, net interest income also came in hot, up 11% to $23.2 billion. That’s thanks in large part to the Fed keeping rates higher for longer, and the market backing off its delusional bets that rate cuts were coming this spring. Spoiler: they’re not. At least not while inflation is still partying like it’s 2021.

(Source: Yahoo Finance) 

On the other hand, while the numbers were optimistic—Jamie Dimon also did what he does best: Be an absolute buzzkill. If anything, he sounded like he was prepping for financial climate collapse. In his statement, he warned about “considerable turbulence,” of the economy. Which is rich coming from the guy who just backed up the Brinks truck... but also not wrong. He name-dropped all the usual suspects: geopolitical instability, inflation that refuses to die, sky-high deficits, bloated asset prices, and, of course, the looming disaster that is the latest round of Trumpian trade war cosplay.

And turbulence is about right. With tariffs on Chinese goods up to 145%, with an immediate 125% counterpunch on their end, you don’t need a degree to know that’s music to volatilities ears. Meaning, Dimon’s message was basically this: yeah, we made money, but don’t get too comfortable. He even said, “we hope for the best but prepare the Firm for a wide range of scenarios,” which basically translates to “we’re hedging like hell” (as they should). Especially since this whole thing could go sideways fast once the 90-day pause ends. 

(Source: CNBC) 

But, but, but… here’s the interesting part. Despite the escalating tariff pissing contest, futures were up. Why? Because traders are addicted to volatility. It’s the only thing keeping the money machine running while the IPO market is still in a coma and M&A is still disappointing everyone. However, if there’s one thing to take away from this, is that every time the world goes sideways, it’s the big banks trading desks that are benefiting the most. Bastards. 

In the end, while JPMorgan is still out here stacking billions with its juggernaut trading arm, the broader signal is clear: the market is a mess, the macro picture is sketchy, and no one—literally no one—knows what the next few months will look like. If you’re looking for a happy ending, go watch a Disney movie. This is Wall Street. That doesn’t exist here, unless you’re a bank.

(Source: Giphy) 

Because the real moral of the story here is this: JPM’s performance is impressive, but it lives in a distorted reality where big banks profit from dysfunction. Volatility is the new oxygen. The worse the headlines, the better the trading revenue. It’s a system that thrives on uncertainty, and right now, there’s plenty of that to go around. And when there’s plenty of that to go around, the house just wins bigger. Until next time, friends… 

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Stocks.News holds position in Disney as mentioned in the article.