China’s Grease and Desist… Schiffposting Season Begins… Flo’s Fender-Bender

I think it’s pretty safe to say that Michael Saylor probably isn’t checking Twitter today…

Because right now, somewhere in Puerto Rico, Schiff is shirtless, glistening in coconut oil, perched atop a mountain of bullion, whispering, “digital gold my ass,” while scheduling his 14th “#TOLDYOUSO” post of the day.

After a promising start to “Uptober,” Bitcoin lost its footing and belly-flopped back under $112K… officially entering its “bro, it’s just consolidating” phase. Meanwhile, gold is hitting new highs above $4,200/oz (every crypto bros worst nightmare with the holidays rolling around).

Fundstrat’s Sean Farrell said investors are “favoring gold due to its momentum and reduced volatility,” aka: “everyone’s tired of playing emotional roulette with crypto.” At least for now, that is.

Over in stockland, the S&P 500 rose 0.4%, Nasdaq added 0.6%, and the Dow just sat there like it’s waiting for its shift to end. Wall Street’s banking bros carried the day, with BofA clocking a 23% profit jump while Jerome Powell played everyone’s favorite drinking game: Hinting at rate cuts without saying rate cuts. Odds of one by December are now 96%, which is coincidentally the same odds that Ayesha Curry finds a new way to embarrass Steph Curry on a podcast.

Over in the Oval Office (and by that we mean Truth Social HQ), President Trump threatened to ban Chinese cooking oil after Beijing stopped buying U.S. soybeans. Because, as The Godfather said, “they hit us, we hit them back harder.”

That one post sent Bunge Global soaring 11%, as everyone from Wall Street quants to middle-aged dads with Traeger grills decided to go long on American grease.

Elsewhere, Progressive investors got rear-ended… the stock crashed 6% after missing earnings ($4.44 vs. $5.30 expected) and posting a 48% drop in profit. Needless to say, Flo from the commercials might need to start doing OnlyClaims to pay the bills.

And finally, Apple, self-proclaimed king of innovation, debuted its M5 chip, supposedly 6x faster than the M1. And a genius way to justify the new MacBook Pro starting price at $1,599.

So yeah… gold’s spanking Bitcoin’s over the goalpost, Trump’s banning Pam spray shipments to China, Powell’s back on his bs, and Tim Cook’s found another way to raise prices and signal to everyone “see, we do care about AI.” Quite the day. 

And as for the most important news of the day (I’m talking about our Stock Prophet Watchlist), after VIVK came prematurely for a small 7% gain before losing all momentum… OMER made the wait worth it, exploding for a 98% move after our alert at 8:34am. I hope you were able to catch that move. Remember, these alerts are only available on the Stocks.News app. As always, see you bright and early tomorrow morning.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple as mentioned in the article.