Biden Joins the Ethics Police… Calls Out Congress for Crushing Jim Simons’ Medallion Fund By 172%

Five months after a bipartisan gang of senators rolled out a proposal to ban Congress members, their spouses, and even their kids from day-trading like degenerate Redditors, President Joe Biden finally decided to chime in. His groundbreaking contribution? A quiet, “Yeah, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.” Oh, thanks for the sizzling hot take, Joe. With only weeks left in his term, Biden threw his weight behind the ban like Mick Jagger announcing another farewell tour. It’s late, it’s awkward, but sure, we’ll clap politely for the 81 year old.

In an interview with Faiz Shakir, Bernie Sanders’ trusted adviser (and probably the guy who reminds Bernie not to yell too much), Biden declared, “Nobody in Congress should be able to make money in the stock market while they’re in Congress.” Bold words for a guy who’s watched lawmakers treat Wall Street like their personal cheat code for years. He followed it up with, “I don’t know how you look your constituents in the eye and know, because the job they gave you, gave you an inside track to make more money.” (Whatever you say Joe.)

Biden’s timing is curious, though. He became a Senator all the way back in 1972 but is now just saying something? Sure, it’s appreciated, but couldn’t this have come up a little earlier? This isn’t a new issue. Lawmakers have been gaming the system for years.

Need receipts? Let’s talk about Brian Higgins, the Congressional Wolf of Wall Street, who clocked an incredible 238% return last year. That’s not just beating hedge funds… it’s obliterating the late Jim Simon’s Medallion Fund by 172%. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi (dubbed the Queen of Stonks) made 65%, probably while sipping wine in her $24K Sub-Zero fridge. Dan Crenshaw pulled in 38%, and even Mitch McConnell (a man who gives the term “low energy” new meaning) managed an 18% return. Mitch, you’re a lifetime politician and you couldn’t even beat an index fund. Sad really.

This isn’t as much about money as It’s about ethics or, rather, the lack thereof. Remember the great toilet paper famine of 2020? While the rest of us were hoarding Charmin and Googling “homemade hand sanitizer,” Senator Richard Burr dumped up to $1.7 million in stocks just before the market got covid and tanked 40%. Why? Oh, just some light insider info from his Intelligence Committee briefings. Burr, of course, denied any wrongdoing and skated through untouched because consequences are for peasants, apparently.

A bipartisan proposal to ban congressional stock trading has been floating around, supported by senators like Jon Ossoff and Josh Hawley. It’s got strong public backing too… 86% of voters, across party lines, think lawmakers and their families should abandon the stock picks. The proposed legislation isn’t pulling any punches, either. It covers spouses and dependents (no more stashing trades under Junior’s name), hikes penalties from a laughable $200 to a full month’s salary, and torches those fake “blind trusts” that are about as convincing as a middle schooler’s “My dog ate my homework” excuse.

But, will Biden’s late-game endorsement push the proposal across the finish line? Who knows? Let’s be real… this feels more like a final attempt to score some brownie points on his way out the door. Nice try, Joe.

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