Apple Posts “Accidental Banger” Quarter On the Back of Tariff Fear Mongering (Thanks, Trump?)

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth… especially when that horse is named “Lucky”...” - Tim Cook, probably… 

The Cupertino cash cow dropped its latest earnings Thursday and, to everyone’s surprise (possibly even their own), delivered its biggest revenue growth since December 2021. The stock popped in after-hours, and Wall Street briefly remembered that Apple still prints money even when its “innovation” team is somewhere eating dirt. 

(Source: Giphy) 

For starters, the company reported 10% revenue growth, while… *checks notes*... iPhone sales soared 13% year over year. If that number shocked you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. As for services, they climbed 13%, while even the Mac division remembered it exists, posting a 15% growth thanks to refreshed MacBook Airs. All told, the company pulled in $94 billion in revenue and $24.4 billion in profit for the quarter, beating analyst expectations and stunning everyone else in the process. 

(Source: CNBC) 

With that said, while the iPhone 16 carried the squad with double-digit growth over the iPhone 15… Tim Cook quietly admitted that a chunk of that was just people panic-buying ahead of potential price hikes from tariffs. Sounds legit. But the bigger win, and one no one expected at all… was China (a place where Apple has recently been getting dog-walked by local competitors) finally showed signs of life again. Sales in the Red Dragon region grew 4%, thanks in part to government subsidies. Again, this is the same Chinese government that occasionally bans iPhones from government offices… and yet, is now helping prop up Apple’s sales LOL. 

As for artificial intelligence, Apple’s approach remains classic Tim Cook: say as little as possible, while implying you're doing a lot. Cook described AI as “one of the most profound technologies of our lifetime,” to which he’s not wrong. The company says it’s “significantly growing” AI investments and is open to M&A, having already acquired “around seven” companies this year. No names, no dollar amounts, just vague mentions. But with $133 billion in cash on hand, there’s definitely room for Tim Apple to throw additional dolla bills around to bring even more IP into the fold. 

(Source: Giphy)

On the other hand, not every was all Glowtime for the home of the Butterfly keyboard. iPad revenue dropped 8%, and the “Other Products” segment… which includes wearables like AirPods and the Apple Watch… declined nearly 9%. Bigly. Oh, and guidance? Yeah, Apple doesn’t do traditional forward guidance because that would require commitment, and commitment is for poor people. Instead, they throw out suggestive language like, “we expect mid- to high-single-digit revenue growth… but don’t quote us on that unless it happens.” Gross margins are expected between 46% and 47%, which means Apple’s still making an eye-watering amount of profit off 13 million people buying a slightly better iPhone in case tariffs make it slightly worse later.

In the end, despite weak spots in tablets and wearables, Apple had a $94 billion field day, and Tim Cook is still the world’s most polite cartel leader. Meaning, Apple is still Apple. It doesn’t need to be first. It just needs to be last… and make you feel like you chose it all along. So yeah, for now, keep your eyes on shares as we head towards this morning's bell, especially as shares are up nearly 2% in pre-market… and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends…

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in companies mentioned in the article.