Zuck Wants In on Apple’s Most Private Data… And Saying “No” Could Cost Tim Cook $38 Billion

Blood’s starting to boil over at Apple headquarters. Apple just sent a strongly-worded “hell no” to the European Union, who recently told them, “Hey, we think you should make iPhones more friendly to your enemies.” Apple’s reply? “We get that you want a friendly neighborhood... but we’re not giving a spare key to the guy who’s been caught snooping on everyone's router history.” (Looking at you, Zuck.)

Zuck

Here’s what’s got Tim Cook losing sleep: The EU’s new Digital Markets Act (DMA) wants to crack open the Apple ecosystem like a stale AirPod case. The law forces companies like Apple to make their devices more compatible with third-party apps and hardware… especially the ones Apple would rather ghost. That means giving Meta’s VR headsets, Spotify’s apps, and even Garmin’s grandpa watches access to iOS features that were previously locked behind the Apple velvet rope. Stuff like push notifications, auto WiFi pairing, and other under-the-hood perks that make the Apple experience feel like a walled-off theme park for rich people.

So here’s the metaphor Apple would love to use in court but can’t because lawyers don’t do sarcasm: Imagine you live in a high-tech, hyper-secure smart mansion. Every room, every light, every piece of data synced perfectly… designed so you never have to talk to a human again. Stay with me here. Now picture the EU barging in and saying, “Hey, leave the door open. Mark from down the street wants to borrow your garage code and maybe your security cam feeds too.

Zuck

”Naturally, Apple was like, “Are you out of your EU-regulated minds?”They filed an appeal on May 30 in the EU’s General Court, calling the rules “deeply flawed,” “unreasonable,” and “a gift basket for creepy data collectors.” (Okay, that last part was implied.) “These requirements will hand data-hungry companies sensitive information,” Apple said… as if Meta hasn’t been salivating in the background like a dog at a cookout. According to Apple, companies like Meta have already requested access to notification contents and full WiFi histories… the kind of personal info that even Apple doesn’t peek at. And now they’re supposed to hand that over? To Zuckerberg?

For Apple, it goes way past privacy. They’re also arguing that forcing these changes would wreck the pristine, tightly-integrated user experience they’ve spent decades polishing. You know, the one that makes switching from iPhone to Android feel like moving from a Tesla to a lawnmower. Oh, and they’re extra salty about the fact that these rules only seem to target Apple. (Samsung’s over here sipping lemonade while no one forces its earbuds to chat with an Oculus headset.)

Zuck

Instead of budging, the EU is doing its best impression of a stern parent: “The rules are fair, the law is clear, and if you don’t listen, we’ll fine you up to 10% of your global revenue.” Which, for Apple, means about $38 billion. Not pocket change, even for the people who once sold $999 monitor stands with a straight face. 

And Meta? Yeah, (as you’d expect) they’re hovering nearby like that one neighbor with the binoculars and a suspicious amount of interest in your backyard security cameras. Apple says Meta, Spotify, and the usual suspects have already started asking for access to the good stuff.

Zuck

Sure, it might help them build better products. But it also feels like asking, “Hey, can I borrow your diary? Just for a sec? Also, what’s your home WiFi password and favorite nude emoji?” The EU court’s decision won’t come quickly. But if Apple loses, iPhones will be forced to play nice with rival apps and gadgets by 2026. Until then, Apple’s triple-locking the gates, the EU’s waving its antitrust pitchfork, and Zuck’s polishing his VR headset… waiting for someone to crack open the door.

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Stock.News has positions in Apple, Meta, Spotify, and Tesla.