“Too big to fail? Never heard of her…”

The banks are printing again… JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and the cesspool that is Wells Fargo all dropped monster Q3 results. Trading and dealmaking went brrr. Call it a beat, call it a financial orgy filled with cash… call it whatever you want, but it was the Street’s holy trinity nonetheless. Translation: The fact that Wells Fargo, which showed up to the party wearing its probation ankle monitor, managed a win… tells you how hot this quarter ran. 

(Source: Giphy) 

In short, this was a money printer class reunion: JPMorgan shattered trading records, Goldman stunted a 40% jump in investment banking fees, and Wells… well, they remembered how to bank. All while Dimon, DJ D-Sol, and Charlie Scharf pretended to be “concerned” about inflation and regulation. In fact, Dimon even rolled out a National Security Investment Initiative, which means he’s pledging $1.5 trillion in financing to shore up America’s manufacturing and tech supply chains… critical minerals, AI, defense, energy. Basically, JPMorgan is now the Pentagon’s side hustle.

(Source: IBD) 

Meanwhile, Goldman’s out here doing layoffs “to position for the future.” Translation: “AI is cheaper than Chad in Private Wealth.” Insiders say roughly 1,000 jobs will vanish under the OneGS 3.0 plan… Goldman’s ongoing quest to replace Ivy League trust funders with GPUs. Expect AC93929S-251 to win Banker of the Year.

Additionally, Goldman CEO David Solomon told employees, “Even when the business is performing well, we have an obligation to review our operations carefully.” Translation: AI has officially eaten their bonus’. The irony though is that the same execs who spent two years telling us “AI won’t replace jobs” are now bragging about AI replacing jobs. Dimon admitted JPM spends $2 billion a year on AI and already saved the same amount. Mic = dropped. 

(Source: Giphy) 

As for the actual receipts, they are as follows: Dimon’s empire pulled in $14.4 billion in profit this quarter… a 12% jump year-over-year…on $46.4 billion in revenue, beating every analyst who still believes in modesty. Trading revenue hit a record $8.9 billion, investment banking fees climbed 16%, and net interest income clocked in at $24.1 billion. Even with a $170 million write-down tied to bankrupt auto lender Tricolor, JPM’s earnings per share came in hot at $5.07 versus the expected $4.85. The bank quietly bumped its full-year net interest income guidance to nearly $96 billion, effectively telling Wall Street, “We’re the Fed now.”

(Source: Giphy) 

Over at DJ-Sols rave party, Goldman did what Goldman does… made obscene money. he firm posted $12.25 per share in earnings on $15.2 billion in revenue, up 20% from last year. Investment banking fees exploded 42%, advisory revenue surged 60%, and its global banking and markets division pulled in $10.1 billion. Return on equity sat at 14.2%, proving Goldman doensn’t survive volatility… they friggin’ breed it. Oh, and Wells Fargo… a.k.a., the reformed fraud magnet posted $5.6 billion in profit ($1.66 per share) on $21.4 billion in revenue, beating expectations across the board. Credit provisions dropped to $681 million from over $1 billion last year… which is a massive win in credit discipline… all while investment banking fees jumped 25% to $840 million. Bigly. 

Translation: Banks are back, baby. And they brought receipts, severance packages, and the faint smell of 2007. So place your bets accordingly, friends. Until next time… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.