If you were one of the eager investors who piled into Uber’s IPO back in May 2019, you probably didn’t think your bet on replacing taxis with an app would take four full years to generate a single net profit. But that’s exactly what happened.

This was supposed to be the future of transportation… a lean, mean, app-powered disruption machine. Instead, it turned into a flaming cash furnace that incinerated billions while trying to do everything at once. Ride-hailing, food delivery, freight, scooters, flying cars (probably)… you name it, Uber had employees “working” on it. 

And somehow, Jim Cramer was actually right for once. He warned investors early on that Uber was “trying to do too much” instead of proving it could, say, turn a profit on just getting you to the airport. Of course, back then, Uber executives were too busy burning venture capital like it was scented candle money.

Well, take that, Cramer… because Uber just dropped its Q2 earnings and, somehow, that same cash-incinerating circus you once laughed off just greenlit a $20 billion stock buyback… nearly triple the $7 billion plan it announced last year. (The glow-up is, in fact, very real.)

For starters, Uber reported $12.65 billion in revenue, up 18% from a year ago. Net income came in at $1.36 billion (actual profit, not funny-money adjusted metrics or crypto gains). And just to prove this wasn’t some one-off fluke, the company also posted $2.12 billion in adjusted EBITDA, while gross bookings soared to $46.8 billion across both its ride-hailing and delivery businesses. On top of that, riders booked 3.3 billion trips in the quarter and monthly active users hit 180 million. I know that’s a lot of numbers and figures but here’s what you should take away from this: Uber is no longer the money-blowing startup you felt guilty for investing in. It’s an actual business now.

(Source: MarketWatch)

And apparently one that old people are finally cool with. Uber rolled out new Senior Accounts featuring large text, big buttons, and the kind of UX that looks like it was designed by AARP. They're also testing women-only ride pairings, which (if you’ve ever been stuck in the back seat with a sweaty guy who won't stop talking about crypto) sounds like a great idea.

Even the robotaxi stuff, which used to feel like a fever dream, is becoming legit. Uber now has autonomous vehicle partnerships with 20 companies. They’ve got robotaxis live in a dozen cities already, beating Elon to the punch in Austin and other key markets. (Insert Billy Mays voice) but wait, there’s more… they’re going global with it too. Uber inked multi-billion-dollar deals with Lucid and Baidu to roll out autonomous fleets across the U.S., the Middle East, and Asia. Tesla might still be the loudest one in the room, but it’s no longer the only one building a future without drivers.

So yeah… Uber went from “this thing might never make money” to “here’s $20 billion, thanks for riding with us,” all while shedding the chaos it was born into. The stock is up 48% this year. Wall Street is finally on board. And those poor souls who bought at the IPO top and held through the dark years of layoffs, lawsuits, and Lyft somehow still existing?

They’re finally in the green… just in time for Dara (Uber’s CEO) to start acting like he runs a Fortune 50 blue-chip instead of the app that used to text you, “your driver is arriving in a 2007 Camry with no AC and a mysterious stain on the back seat.” Funny how things change. Funnier how sometimes… they actually change for the better.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Uber and Tesla as mentioned in the article.