If you opened your brokerage account this week and didn’t see a whole lot of green, call your mom and let her take over… because the market was Kermit the damn Frog on Saint Paddy’s Day, sitting in a Chipotle guac tub, drinking a Shamrock Shake (ok, I think you get the point).

Seriously though, even the Dow… which usually moves like your grandpa backing out of a driveway, managed to keep its foot on the gas. For reference, it locked in a 1.5% weekly gain. The S&P 500 cruised to a 2.5% bump. And the Nasdaq surged 3.9% for the week and hit yet another all-time high. (Recession? Never heard of her.) Of course, a big chunk of this week’s testosterone-fueled market boner came from Tim Apple dropping $600B to make Trump’s made-in-America manufacturing wet dream a reality… the spark that lit the fuse. But that was yesterday’s dopamine rush. Today’s high came after Trump tapped Stephen Miran for the Fed Board.

Miran’s a hawk on inflation. He’s less “money printer go brrr” and more “what if we didn’t?” If he was at the Fed in 2008, we’d probably still be waiting for a bailout while Bernanke mainlined Pepto-Bismol. Which is funny, because it’s the exact opposite of Trump’s “cut rates, pump markets” kink. But traders? They think it’s Alexander Hamilton level theater. If Trump wants lower rates, Miran’s saluting before the sentence is finished.

Naturally, Trump followed it up with some mystery tariffs (details TBD, obviously) and a Truth Social banger warning that Congress blocking them would bring “1929 all over again.” (Soup kitchens! Stockbrokers swan-diving! Real Friday fun.) Traders, of course, rolled their eyes in unison. The only part worth taking seriously? If those tariffs end up hitting AI chips (the economy’s new oxygen) that’s when the meme turns into a margin call.

Speaking of chips going sideways… Tesla just straight-up yanked the plug on Dojo, its hyped AI supercomputer project. Guess we’ve finally confirmed that building a chip empire is slightly harder than naming your kid after a password. VP of Hardware Pete Bannon is peacing out, and Tesla is now panic-ordering Nvidia and AMD GPUs like a college kid cramming Uber Eats at 1 a.m. (Great for those two… less great for Tesla cultmembers).

Elsewhere in the “hey, remember us?” department: Kroger hit all-time highs this week. No, seriously. The grocery store. Inflation’s killing everyone else, but apparently being the place where prices go up means your stock goes up too. Shocking. Monster Beverage is also out here crushing it. The company that makes energy drinks for people who’ve never known peace posted record highs. 

And for those of you who like your stocks diesel-powered, Cummins Inc. is also at all-time highs… my conservative uncle’s favorite engine stock is suddenly Wall Street’s favorite too. Love that for him.  Also, Palantir hit a new high… still going parabolic because the company whispers “AI” and “government contract” like it’s a TikTok thirst trap (look over here, not at the valuation).

But it wasn’t all chicken tenders and tendies this week. Chipotle fell back to November 2023 lows (still can’t recover from losing Brian Niccoll). And Lululemon got yeeted back to April 2020 levels, when we were all wearing yoga pants but mostly for stress-eating on the couch. (Amazon joggers: $12, with pockets, undefeated.) 

In the “politics meets office betting pool” category: prediction markets now give Intel CEO Lip-Bu Tan a 37% chance of getting the boot in 2025 after Trump went full boardroom “You’re fired” on Truth Social. Tan responded with a corporate memo defending himself… which is adorable, but this is 2025. Nobody reads memos. People get their financial news from TikTok memes and Instagram Reels (also repurposed from TikTok).

And before I forget… Trade Desk continued its tradition of falling down the stairs on earnings day, dropping nearly 40%… again. Second time this year. At this point, shorting TTD before earnings is basically an income strategy. CEO Jeff Green blamed tariffs and inflation (aka the CFO’s version of “the Wi-Fi was down”), but Wall Street wasn’t buying it… literally.

And gold? Oh boy. The VanEck Gold Miners ETF hit highs not seen since 2011 after the White House accidentally said 1kg gold bars would get tariffs… then walked it back with a very Trumpy, “Look, I was just kidding, folks… we’re doing so many tariffs, beautiful tariffs, the best tariffs, it’s hard to keep track, believe me.” Still, gold had its best week since April.

The Official Degenerate Recap: Markets went nuts. Trump threatened a Depression. Tesla straight-up murdered their “$500B supercomputer” (Cathie Wood and Morgan Stanley are still lighting candles). Intel’s CEO might be updating LinkedIn from a Motel 6. Trade Desk got war-crimed. Gold briefly ran for office. And somehow… stonks keep pumping like Jerome Powell found the cocaine drawer again.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple, Tesla, Uber, Amazon, and Intel as mentioned in the article.