Everyone: “He can’t possibly make Schumer look like the responsible one.”

Trump: “Hold my Diet Coke.”

In case you’ve been living under a rock… the government officially runs out of beer money on September 30th. To avoid a shutdown, a meeting was on the books this week between Trump and the two most New York Democrats alive: Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries. Except… nope. Donny went full Houdini and canceled the sit-down before the bagels were even ordered.

His Truth Social post read like the most Donald excuse ever: “After reviewing the unserious and ridiculous demands being made by the Radical Left, no meeting could possibly be productive.” Translation: “They asked me to compromise, so I hit the McDonald’s drive-thru and went golfing instead.”

(Source: CNBC)

Naturally, that set off the Dems. Jeffries immediately tweeted:  “Trump Always Chickens Out.” Schumer called him a runner… “running away from the negotiating table before he even gets there.” Which is pretty bold to say, considering he’s been running from questions about his family’s suspiciously well-timed stock trades for years.

What’s really got everyone’s panties in a wad is the healthcare fight tucked inside the funding bill. Democrats want to extend Obamacare’s juiced-up tax credits, framing it as the difference between hospitals staying open or shuttering. Trump, of course, slapped his label on it… “radical left healthcare pork.” Same policy, wildly different branding. Tomato, tomahto.

Now both sides are playing hot potato with the blame. Schumer and Jeffries swear Trump will “own the shutdown.” The White House insists Democrats are the ones holding America hostage. And somewhere in the middle, the average American is wondering if TSA agents are gonna start charging Venmo at the security line to pat down their butts next week.

The history lesson doesn’t help either. Last time Schumer tried to cut a deal with Trump (2018), the government shut down for a record 35 days. So if you’re putting money down in Vegas, the “this ends with closed national parks and unpaid interns” bet is basically free money.

So WTF does this mean for us? It means that, yet again, D.C. is about to test how many days America can run on vibes alone.

And if you’re wondering what happens to the market in these clown shows, history says… not much in the short term. The longest shutdown in U.S. history (Dec 2018-Jan 2019, 35 days) actually saw the S&P rip 10% during the standoff, and then another 24% in the year that followed. That’s more the exception than the rule, though… and not exactly a theory I’d like to see tested again. What we do know is that markets hate the noise, hospitals hate losing funding, and taxpayers hate literally everyone involved. But hey, at least the memes will be elite.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Coca-Cola and McDonald’s as mentioned in the article.