Calling today “a close one” is like calling a plane crash a “rough landing.” The S&P squeaked out a 0.2% gain, the Nasdaq managed 0.3%, and the Dow added 0.4% (shoutout to UnitedHealth for having its first non-depressing headline in years). But let’s not confuse this with strength… these gains were from Wall Street putting on blinders and yelling la la la while the economy sniffles and coughs in the background.

And boy, was it ugly. The Bureau of Labor Statistics revised job gains for the 12 months through March lower by… wait for it… 911,000 jobs. The biggest downward revision since 2002. (You know, when everyone was running to the theater to watch the new Tobey McGuire Spiderman movie … and watching the dot-com corpse pile grow.) So what does this economic data mean? Well, clearly the labor market is nowhere near as sturdy as we thought. Even Jamie Dimon chimed in, saying: “I think the economy is weakening… Whether it’s on the way to recession or just weakening, I don’t know.” Thanks, Jamie… real confidence boost.

There is a bit of upside, though. While weak job numbers scream “trouble,” they also shove Powell closer to the rate-cut button. (Nothing makes Wall Street perk up faster than the scent of cheaper money.) So while the economy might look like it just pulled an all-nighter and coughed up a lung, traders are already treating it like a doctor’s note that gets them out of gym class. In their eyes, pain now just means the Fed has to start handing out Advil sooner.

Over in the land of chips and AI… Broadcom, which helped carry the Nasdaq to fresh highs just yesterday, suddenly wet the bed, down 2%. 

Meanwhile, Apple tried to distract us with its new iPhone 17 and “heart rate AirPods,” but the stock slipped 1.5% by the time Tim Cook wrapped up his keynote.

And for today’s biggest WTF moment… someone actually launched a Bill Ackman ETF (ticker: ACKY). Yes, you too can now invest like the guy who went on CNBC sobbing that “hell is coming” in 2020… while secretly pocketing $2.6 billion on a bond short as everyone else panicked. (Coming soon: the Martin Shkreli ETF… dividends paid in Wu-Tang CDs and cease-and-desist letters.) 

Also, keep an eye on Oracle and GameStop earnings set to drop after the bell. Will this finally get Roaring Kitty to come out of the cave he’s hiding in? I guess we’ll find out. But it’s about time.

So yeah, the indexes closed green. But between the worst jobs revision in 20 years, inflation reports lurking later this week, and Jamie Dimon sounding like a guy staring at his 401(k) in disbelief, Tuesday felt less like a win and more like traders whistling past the graveyard.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple and Gamestop as mentioned in the article.