Remember that episode of The Office where Michael Scott launched the “Golden Ticket” promotion (handing out massive discounts to Dunder Mifflin’s biggest client) and nearly bankrupted the company in the process? He was strutting around like Willy Wonka until David Wallace found out… and just sat there, blinking, visibly aging, wondering how his career had come to this. Well, that’s basically Amazon right now.

Earlier today, reports surfaced that some mid-level Amazon employee (let’s call them Corporate’s Michael Scott) had the brilliant idea to start posting tariff price warnings right next to product listings. Not exactly subtle. Trump allegedly called Bezos personally to complain, while the White House labeled the move “hostile and political”... which, coming from them, is like a Kardashian accusing someone of oversharing.

Bezos, in full David Wallace mode, had to hurry and do damage control. Amazon quickly denied the whole thing, claiming the idea was floated for a bargain-bin storefront ("Amazon Haul") but “was never approved and is not going to happen” (someone’s about to have an awkward HR meeting). Luckily, the fallout was minimal. Amazon stock dipped just 1% before bouncing back to finish barely in the red.

Over in “Indexland” things were nice and peachy. The Dow rose 364 points (+0.9%) to notch its longest win streak of 2025. The S&P 500 and Nasdaq both climbed 0.6% as investors digested rumors of a major trade deal “done, done, done,” according to Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick… he’s just waiting on a mystery foreign parliament to sign off. On the earnings front, General Motors beat estimates but hit pause on its 2025 guidance and buybacks due to tariff uncertainty. 

Spotify and Coca-Cola posted solid results, while Royal Caribbean shocked analysts by raising guidance. RCL spiked 3% before reversing to end the day down 2.6%. CEO Jason Liberty hyped a record “Wave Season” and an EPS forecast as high as $15.55, but the market didn’t seem to buy it. The biggest surprise came from Hims & Hers. Shares exploded over 20% after Novo Nordisk announced a deal to offer weight-loss drug Wegovy through the platform. Novo stock also rose 4%.

Outside of equities, gold bulls got more ammo. John Paulson sees the precious metal hitting $5,000/oz by 2028, calling it a safe haven as central banks quietly load up. And if you think today was wild… Meta and Microsoft both report earnings tomorrow, followed by Apple and Amazon on Thursday. So if anyone else decides to go full Michael Scott this week… at least the bar’s been set.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.