Microsoft finally ripped the curtain off its first-ever quantum computing chip, Majorana 1… allegedly 20 years in the making (which, in Microsoft time, means some intern probably scribbled the idea on a napkin in 2018). They claim this chip, built with some star-wars sounding material called a topoconductor (sure, let’s just make up words now), could bring real-world quantum computing “years, not decades” closer.

Based on their track record, that probably means we’ll be beta-testing Windows Quantum Edition in 2045, complete with forced updates at the worst possible moments. Investors, clearly moved by this groundbreaking innovation, sent Microsoft’s stock soaring… 1%.

Over in “Indexland,” The S&P 500 scratched out a 0.3% gain to set yet another record, while the Nasdaq added 0.2%. The Dow, however, did what it does best… absolutely nothing. Apparently, everyone’s still cautious to go full bull because of the ongoing tariffs while the Federal Reserve remains in its classic “we’ll see” stance on interest rates.

Minutes from its January meeting confirm what we all suspected: they aren’t cutting rates anytime soon. Officials claim they want to see more inflation progress before making a move (because paying $8 for a carton of eggs isn’t quite progress-y enough yet). Imagine hyping up a meeting just to say the exact same thing for the 10th time in a row… and building a $55 million net worth from this career path (looking at you, Jerome Powell).

Over at Intel, things are getting awkward. The stock jumped 16% on reports that Broadcom and TSMC are about to get in a bidding war for Intel’s struggling business. Broadcom wants the chip design unit, while TSMC is considering Intel’s manufacturing arm.

Hims & Hers investors are having the time of their lives, with the stock rocketing 20% after announcing at-home lab testing (it’s now up 173% this year alone!).

Apple, on the other hand, might have to jack up prices (again) thanks to Trump’s new tariff threats. A 10% import tax on Apple products could shrink earnings by 2% to 3%... unless, of course, Apple just passes the cost onto customers (and let’s be real, they will).

In the EV graveyard, Nikola finally filed for bankruptcy. Once hyped as the Tesla killer, the company has spent years proving that overpromising and underdelivering is not a great business model. Turns out, talking about hydrogen trucks isn’t the same as actually making them.

And for the random fact of the day… Trump’s social media presence has taken an unexpected turn. According to JPMorgan, he’s barely mentioning the stock market in his second term, opting instead to focus on the debt ceiling, government spending, and tariffs. Maybe he finally realized stocks don’t go up just because he tweets about them. Or maybe he’s waiting for a bigger rally before taking credit.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.