Travis Kelce after losing super bowl and having the worst year of his career: I had too many distractions this year, I’m gonna get back to the basics of what made me a great player.

Travis Kelce 2 minutes later: tries to take over Six Flags

You can’t make this up. The man barely had time to untape his ankles before pivoting from tight end to corporate raider. The Kansas City Chiefs star (fresh off his engagement to Taylor Swift and roughly one billion camera close-ups per game) is now teaming up with activist hedge fund Jana Partners to give Six Flags a much-needed overhaul.

And to be fair, it’s long overdue. The last time I went to Six Flags for my buddy’s bachelor party (questionable decision at best), the whole place looked like a FEMA site for people who failed drug tests. The smell of weed hung in the air, trash was everywhere, and half the rides were “temporarily closed for maintenance,” which I assume meant someone dropped their vape on the tracks.

(Source: Wall Street Journal)

The Jana-led group (which also includes former Gap CEO Glenn Murphy and Reddit chairman Dave Habiger) now owns roughly 9% of the theme park operator (about $200 million worth) and plans to “engage with management to enhance shareholder value.” Translation: they’re about to walk in there with nothing but Taylor’s fiance, whose fanbase (which consists mostly of blonde white girls) could probably tank or pump the stock quicker than any hedge fund ever could.

For Kelce, though, this seems to be more than another “celebrity investor” stunt. He’s been a self-proclaimed theme park junkie since growing up near Cedar Point in Ohio. His childhood summers were spent arguing whether Raptor or Millennium Force was the superior ride. (He’s Team Raptor… make of that what you will.)

Now he’s gone from waiting in line for coasters to buying the whole damn park. On Instagram, Kelce wrote: “I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to continue the tradition and make Cedar Point and Six Flags even more special for the next generation of families.” It’s unclear if “next generation” includes Taylor, but the Swifties are already speculating about a “Love Story”-themed log flume.

Now if you look at the chart, it’s undeniable… Six Flags stock has been more disastrous than Kelce’s Fantasy Football numbers this year. Even after a 20% pop on the Kelce news, it’s still down almost 50% on the year. Attendance is sliding, profits are plunging, and the ongoing game of executive musical chairs perfectly sums up just how dysfunctional the theme park has become.

After merging with Cedar Fair in 2024, Six Flags learned pretty quickly that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” The parks have been underperforming, the weather hasn’t helped, and the few shareholders still hanging on are one ugly earnings report away from dumping the stock and ghosting this nostalgic money pit for good.

That’s where Jana comes in. They’ve got a track record of forcing companies to grow up… pushing Whole Foods into Jeff Bezos’s waiting arms and helping Papa John’s recruit Shaq after its CEO said some questionable things and became a victim of cancel culture.

This time, they’re adding Kelce to the roster. And I think it’s genius. A pop-culture megastar boyfriend turned activist investor? Legendary. Needless to say,  if you call Robinhood’s customer service line today and get slapped with a five-hour hold, it’s not because they’re short-staffed. It’s because an army of Swifties is ahead of you, breathlessly opening brokerage accounts so they can buy Six Flags stock and “support Taylor’s man.”

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Robinhood as mentioned in the article.