You know that scene in The Office where Michael Scott snaps and yells, “Snip, snap, snip, snap!” after Jan drags him through emotional chaos and multiple vasectomies? Yeah… that’s me watching my portfolio this week.

After a week that felt like being stuck on a haunted hay ride with Donnie Politics and the bear from The Revenant operating the tractor, the market finally gave us some hope today. The Dow rose 0.8%, the S&P 500 climbed 0.7%, and the Nasdaq matched that… not because the economy suddenly got better, but because Trump decided to play nice with China for the first time in what feels like a decade.

Apparently, “talks are going well” and his meeting with Xi Jinping is still a go. Translation: the 100% tariffs he threatened days ago may not be “sustainable.” No kidding, Don. Even Apple’s lawyers were probably Googling “how to smuggle iPhones.” But it doesn’t matter, Wall Street took the bait and rallied.

Regional banks (which tried to pull a Silicon Valley Bank disaster yesterday) managed to bounce back. Stocks like Truist, Huntington, and Fifth Third rose after posting solid earnings, helping the KBW Regional Banking Index gain 1.5%.

That’s a huge relief considering Thursday’s meltdown, when two smaller banks admitted to “loan issues possibly tied to fraud.” (You’ve got to admit, nothing says “trust us with your money” like a side of alleged criminal activity.) Even Jamie Dimon’s “cockroach” warning wasn’t enough to spook investors this time. Although, let’s face it, I’m sure his trading revenue ticked up higher yesterday from shorting every bank to kingdom come.

The government shutdown just hit “record book” status… now tied for the third longest in U.S. history (fittingly, Trump also holds that record from 2018). 

Federal workers still haven’t seen a paycheck, and Trump’s now threatening to block back pay altogether. Easy to say when your net worth starts with a “B”… a little tougher when you’re choosing between rent and ramen. Lawmakers are already bracing for this saga to stretch into November, so if you’ve got a friend in government, maybe go ahead and pick up their kid’s Christmas gift early… just in case Santa’s on furlough too.

And if you’re wondering why you’re still paying out your nose at the pump… blame lag time, not logic. Oil’s actually been sliding for three straight weeks, with WTI under $57 and Brent hovering near $61, the lowest since May. Traders are nursing an oversupply hangover as Middle East tensions cool and Putin hints at pumping even more Russian crude into the mix.

And because it’s apparently illegal to go a full news cycle without mentioning Larry Ellison, Oracle stock cratered 7% after American Airlines’ regional carrier, Envoy Air, confirmed hackers targeted Oracle’s E-Business Suite in an extortion scheme. The same hacker group also hit Google and Harvard earlier this month. Nice to know I’m not the only one getting those “work from home for $1 million an hour” emails (don’t click on the link).

Micron also took a hit (-2.8%) after reports it’s pulling out of China’s server-chip business. That’s one way to say “we’re tired of being caught in the crossfire.”

You have to admit, this week had it all: Trump sending China a Grease-and-Desist letter, regional banks doing their best SVB impression, a historic government shutdown, a Bitcoin crash straight out of 1929, and a Trump-Xi “will they, won’t they” storyline that seems to never end.

But if today’s price action is any indication, markets seem to think everything’s Gucci. You know what they say, “when life gives you lemons… BTFD!”

And for our Stock Prophet Watchlist, I actually had to step away for most of the day for an emergency… but honestly, the timing couldn’t have been better. The market was pretty lifeless today, with barely any setups worth jumping on.

That said, let’s look at the weekly recap of some of our biggest movers:
STI → +167% | NDRA → +42% | GWH → +466% | OMER → +98% | ARTV → +38% | VIVK → +90%

Obviously, those are just the highlights.

The total cumulative long opportunities this week added up to +1,145%, so there was plenty of room to rack up gains. Remember, it only takes a couple of big winners to make the whole week.

So rest up, enjoy your weekend, let your favorite football team ruin your afternoon, and I’ll see you back here Monday morning.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Apple and Google as mentioned in the article.