“Boss, I’m tired.” -PepsiCo employees watching management announce another turnaround plan

Well, my fellow Nasdaqistan soldiers, it appears PepsiCo has finally discovered a way to cut 1,000 calories from its North American operations.

RFK would be so proud…

Unfortunately, they're all on the payroll.

Quick recap: Back in February, PepsiCo announced it was slashing prices on certain snacks by as much as 15%, hoping to lure the nation's Dorito-dusted fatties back into the snack aisle.

And nine months later?

It appears Ozempic is doing a better job of suppressing demand than the Federal Reserve. 

So with cheaper Flamin' Hot Cheetos failing to deliver the turnaround management was hoping for, PepsiCo has decided to try cutting something else.

Approximately 1,000 people from its biweekly payroll (sponsored by Gusto).

Marking the saddest day for PepsiCo since a 21-year-old tried to collect a Harrier fighter jet using Pepsi Points, the company announced it would be sending approximately 1,000 employees into early retirement.

And according to CEO Ram Krishnan, the goal is to become “faster, more connected, and more capable.”

The remaining employees, meanwhile, are about to become faster, more overworked, and more familiar with Microsoft Teams.

Now, you might be wondering how the company responsible for approximately 90% of the orange fingerprints on Xbox controllers suddenly needs to start firing people.

Well, PepsiCo's latest earnings report offers a rather unfortunate explanation.

Turns out, the Doritos Industrial Complex is having a bit of a liquidity crisis.

During the third quarter, PepsiCo's North American beverage volumes fell 2%, while its food division managed exactly ZERO volume growth.

Allow me to repeat that.

ZERO.

The company sells undefeated snacks like Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Gatorade, Lay's, Doritos, and Cheetos.

And somehow, even the nation’s most committed couch potatoes couldn't be bothered to increase their consumption by a single percentage point. Again, did I mention this came AFTER lowering prices?

This is a national health victory. This is a shareholder emergency.

And this isn't just a one-quarter inconvenience.

Back in October, PepsiCo lowered its full-year 2026 earnings outlook, admitting that its North American turnaround was taking longer than expected.

The company had already tried cutting prices and pouring more money into marketing to get consumers buying again.

Unfortunately, those efforts haven't exactly produced the kind of results shareholders were hoping for.

And now Pepsi appears ready to try something a little different.

Introduce healthier ingredients. Raising prices again.

Yes, you read that correctly.

After cutting prices earlier this year to stimulate demand, PepsiCo is reportedly preparing to raise prices on certain sodas, chips, and dips in the coming months.

“The beatings will continue until morale improves.” -PepsiCo executives watching Doritos sales stall

And the “suits” on Wall Street are understandably beginning to question the strategy.

On Monday, Deutsche Bank downgraded PepsiCo to Hold, while TD Cowen cut its profit estimates for 2026 and 2027.

Meanwhile, the S&P 500 is up nearly 11% this year, while PepsiCo shares have managed to lose 1%.

Of course, 1,000 layoffs won't bankrupt a company with 306,000 employees worldwide.

But someone on the board might want to stage an intervention with the CEO and tell him firing workers doesn't magically make people want to buy more Mountain Dew.

And raising prices on customers who already think your chips cost too much?

Supply and demand. Supply and delusion.

At least the remaining employees can take comfort in knowing there's plenty of room for their additional responsibilities.

PepsiCo's Lay's bags are already 60% air.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Pepsi as mentioned in the article.