Sweat is just fat your wallet crying…

Today in “who asked for this…” Peloton rolled out a brand new lineup of bikes, treadmills, and rowers. And because it’s 2025, and you’re considered a pleb if you aren’t joining the bandwagon, they gave their new equipment an “AI brain”. 

(Source: Imgflip) 

In short, the new hardware includes the Bike, Bike+, Tread, Tread+, and a Row+ (RIP regular Row). They’ve all been “upgraded” with swivel screens, faster chips, voice control, and cameras so the bike can now tell you your squat looks like trash. Additionally, because “AI = pricing power” in C-Suite bingo, Peloton jacked up its prices ranging from an extra $150 on the Bike (now $1,695) to an extra $700 on the Tread (now $6,695). 

(Source: Bloomberg) 

Meanwhile, Peloton IQ (the AI platform) promises “personalized coaching” and “movement analysis.” Which is cool, I guess… but big fitness gonna big fitness. Meaning, Peloton didn’t suddenly get more innovative. They got more expensive. All the “features”... fans, saddles with more padding, immersive Sonos speakers… are just creature comforts you could find in a prison gym if you taped an iPad to the wall. And yet, this is the same company that tanked after people realized they’d mortgaged their townhouse for a bike that doubled as a coat rack.

If you say so… (Source: Giphy) 

As for the management spiel, new boss Peter Stern (ex-Apple, ex-Ford) is pitching this as Peloton’s comeback story. “Peloton was made for this moment,” he said, trying really hard to sound like Tim Cook unveiling a new iPhone. Which is fitting, because the strategy basically is Apple’s playbook: recycle the same product with marginal upgrades, then charge you more for it. And in fairness, Peloton needed something. The company’s revenue has been shrinking for years, layoffs keep rolling, and the brand is still haunted by the Mr. Big “death by treadmill” meme. The stock is down 98% from pandemic highs.

With that said, the real problem isn’t whether Peloton can count your calories burned, it’s whether people are still willing to pay luxury prices for an at-home workout subscription when gyms are open, ClassPass exists, and Ozempic has people skipping cardio altogether. And for that reason, investors said “I’m out” on the news as shares dropped an additional -3.7%. 

(Source: Giphy)

In the end, Peloton keeps promising reinvention. But in reality? It’s just the same bike, the same treadmill, the same treadmill-adjacent lawsuits… now with a camera that nags you and a monthly bill that looks like a car payment LOL. But hey, anything can happen I guess. Which means, keep your eyes on this story and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends…

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Ford and Apple as mentioned in the article.