Somewhere in Japan, a boardroom full of Nissan execs is sweating through their suits, trying to figure out how they fumbled a Honda partnership so badly that they’re now begging Tesla to save them. Aaaand just like that Toyota isn’t the only Japanese automaker allergic to making good EV decisions. 

(Source: Giphy) 

In short, the situation is as follows: Nissan thought they were getting a friendly merger with Honda. Honda, however, was looking for a hostile takeover. The whole thing imploded, leaving Nissan looking like a guy who just got dumped in public. Now, former Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihide Suga and ex-Tesla board member Hiro Mizuno are trying to convince Tesla to invest in Nissan. Why? Because Nissan has U.S. factories that Tesla could theoretically use to ramp up production.

However, there’s just one small problem with this—Tesla doesn’t need Nissan’s factories. You see, Musk has spent years perfecting Tesla’s own gigafactory model, turning vehicle production into a sci-fi of automation and metal stamping. In fact, the last time Tesla took over an old-school car factory was in 2010, when it bought the Fremont plant from GM and Toyota. Since then, Musk has made it painfully clear that Tesla prefers to build from scratch rather than inherit someone else’s mess.

(Source: Electrek) 

Which is why once the rumors started flying, Musk did what Musk does best—shut them down with a single tweet. “The Tesla factory IS the product,” he wrote, basically telling Nissan to take their factories and shove them.

However, despite Musk publicly dunking on the idea, Nissan’s stock still jumped 9.5% on the speculation. That’s right—investors saw unverified reports of a Tesla buy-in, ignored Musk’s denial, and bid Nissan shares up to their highest level since January. Meaning, this is exactly why you can’t take the markets seriously, friends. 

(Source: Economic Times) 

On the flip side though, Japan is still panicking over this. Why? Because Japan does not want one of its biggest automakers getting scooped up by a foreign company, especially not China’s Foxconn. For more context, Foxconn, best known for assembling iPhones and running factories that treat workers like NPCs, has been sniffing around for an auto acquisition. Which means if Nissan doesn’t find a strategic partner soon, Japan could be looking at one of its most iconic brands getting swallowed by a Chinese tech giant. And if there’s one thing Japan fears more than losing face, it’s losing an industrial powerhouse to China.

So with that, the bottom line is, Tesla IS NOT buying Nissan. Musk has zero interest in Nissan’s legacy factories, and Tesla’s own production capacity is already underutilized. If Tesla needs more output, it’ll just ramp up in Austin or Shanghai—not babysit a struggling Japanese automaker.

(Source: Giphy) 

But then again, Nissan still needs a partner. And if Japan doesn’t want Foxconn or Huawei stepping in, they’ll need to find another suitor—fast. My thoughts on this dumpster fire? Nissan is about to start swiping right on every friggin’ tech company with a wallet big enough to save them.

Meaning, until a saving grace shows its face—keep your eyes on Nissan and enjoy the fireworks. As always place your bets accordingly—and stay safe and stay frosty, friends! Until next time…

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Stocks.News holds positions in Tesla as mentioned in the article.