“You have got to be f****ing kidding me…”

That was me (out loud, to absolutely no one) as the universe delivered yet another perfectly timed kick to the family jewels. If you ever feel unlucky, just remember this: the exact day Trump put his John Hancock (pause) on the paperwork ending the 43-day government shutdown (which he definitely thought would catapult stocks back to all-time highs)...

Jerome Powell teleported into the oval office mid-signature and said, “Oh hey, remember when markets were 95% convinced we were getting a December rate cut? Yeah… go ahead and flush that dream straight down the toilet.”

And with that, the Dow (which had finally started feeling spry after a three-day win streak) hit the kitchen floor like an arthritic grandpa. Life Alert button blinking. Dignity gone.

And you know how this goes… Wall Street reacted to Powell’s little “actually, never mind” moment by selling everything that wasn’t nailed down. The Nasdaq dove 2.5%, the S&P 500 slid 1.8% in sympathy. And the Dow coughed up more than 800 points (its worst day in over a month) as traders chose cash over stonks.

Nvidia got smacked another 4% as its Snoop-Dogg-high valuation kept setting off every alarm in the building. Tesla cratered 7% even though Elon is still out here promising a future robot army like that’s supposed to save the stock. And then you had Dan Ives (the Pope of Tesla) on TV begging people to “be patient,” which is really just code for, “I have some short-term call options I definitely shouldn’t have placed but here we are.” 

Disney’s 8% dump didn’t help the vibe either, especially after Bob Iger basically admitted he’d rather die than settle his ongoing cage match with YouTube TV.

But that’s not even the worst part. Ending the shutdown somehow gave us less clarity. The White House admitted a bunch of economic reports are now “permanently impaired,” which is their way of saying, “We unplugged the economy and forgot to hit Save.” October jobs data might come out, but without the unemployment rate. Inflation numbers are missing. Half the metrics are gone forever.

And if you’re a crypto investor sitting there giggling at everyone losing money in stonks, wipe that smug little gremlin grin off your face. Bitcoin saw the chaos, cracked its knuckles, and said, “yeah, run it.” BTC broke below $99k (lowest since May) swan-diving right alongside equities. So we all lost today.

Well… almost all of us.

While most investors were fighting for their lives, our Stock Prophet Watchlist actually found a winner. We sent out our alert for GLXG at 8:09 AM and snagged a clean 15% move. Meaning if you got in today, you were part of the 1% minority who actually saw green.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Tesla and Disney as mentioned in the article.