Oracle is reportedly sliding into the TikTok takeover talks again, because apparently, the Trump administration thinks the best way to handle a platform beloved by Gen Z is to hand it over to a company best known for making corporate America’s back-end software slightly less soul-crushing. If there’s a less culturally relevant company to oversee what’s essentially a global meme factory, I’d love to hear it. But here we are, watching Larry Ellison’s Oracle flirt with the idea of running one of the most influential social media platforms on the planet. Whadda time to be alive LOL. 

(Source: Giphy) 

The deal being floated would see Oracle, along with a group of U.S. investors, take control of TikTok’s global operations, while ByteDance, the app’s Chinese parent company, hangs on as a minority stakeholder. Yes, you read that right. The whole point of forcing this sale in the first place was to sever ties with China, and now the proposed plan is to let ByteDance linger in the background like an unwanted plus-one. 

Naturally, congress is already side-eyeing this idea, which makes sense given that the law passed last year demands a full divestiture. But hey, why let legal clarity get in the way of whatever the hell this is?

(Source: NPR) 

What’s interesting here though, is that while Trump's thoughts on TikTok have ranged from “ban it outright” to “just sell it to someone else I like”, Oracle has still ended up hosting all of TikTok’s U.S. traffic. And now, it’s at the negotiating table, angling for a full-blown ownership role. Meaning, if this deal goes through, Oracle would essentially become TikTok’s chaperone, monitoring its algorithm, data collection, and updates to make sure no one’s sneaking off to rendezvous with Beijing after curfew.

ByteDance, meanwhile, is reportedly valuing TikTok’s global business at a staggering $200 billion, which is basically their way of saying, “Good luck affording this, ‘itches.” Walmart already noped out of these discussions, balking at the price tag, and honestly, who can blame them? Even for Oracle, which has plenty of cash to burn, dropping tens of billions on a platform that thrives on chaotic lip-sync videos and dance challenges feels like a weird accolade. 

(Source: Giphy) 

Yet, even if Oracle manages to pull this off, the bigger question is whether it has any clue what to do with TikTok. Running a social media platform isn’t like managing cloud servers or selling database software. TikTok’s appeal lies in its chaotic, youth-driven culture, something Oracle is about as equipped to handle as a boomer trying to decode Bitcoin. Can you imagine Oracle’s leadership team sitting around a boardroom table, debating the cultural significance of a viral dance trend? It’s almost too painful to picture.

But alas, this entire circus feels like a desperate attempt to bundle a solution together that satisfies no one. ByteDance gets to keep a foot in the door, lawmakers are left grumbling about loopholes, and Oracle, even if it wins, inherits the unenviable task of running an app it fundamentally doesn’t understand. Meanwhile, TikTok’s users—who couldn’t care less about geopolitics or corporate boxing matches—will just keep making videos, blissfully unaware that their favorite app is now a pawn in the world’s most awkward tech takeover. Aaaand with that, Welcome to 2025 everyone. 

(Source: Giphy) 

For now, keep an eye on this story—especially if you are an Oracle shareholder. Things could get very interesting on your side of the table very soon. As always, stay safe and stay frosty, friends! Until next time…

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