Well, happy “Please Don’t Tank My Portfolio” Wednesday.

Stocks clawed higher after days of tech getting absolutely rinsed, all because everyone sat around waiting for one man: Jensen “Leather Jacket” Huang… the unofficial Federal Reserve Chair of the AI trade.

The Nasdaq drifted up 0.2%, the S&P 500 added 0.2%, and the Dow was just below them. Clearly no one cared about anything else other than one even set to take place after the bell (more on that in just a moment).

Meanwhile, Bitcoin was down horrendously after smacking straight into resistance yesterday. It slid back under $90k and is now sulking near its lowest levels since April. Crypto influencers on Twitter insist it’s some kind of “macro tell” for equities. Sure, bro… please take your hopium and conspiracy theories outside. The rest of the market said, “Jensen’s talking today, we’ll worry about Bitcoin later.”

Speaking of Nvidia… Dan Ives and his suit gang swear tonight’s report will determine whether we’re cooked… or cooking. Options markets are pricing in a 7% move in either direction, so if you’re buying calls or puts, I hope you’re emotionally prepared to either double your money or get your balls cleanly removed by the market open.

And as if the Fed didn’t already stomp the dream of a clean, predictable rate-cut path… now the jobs report is delayed too.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics popped up today to say they won’t be publishing the October report because the government shutdown wrecked their ability to collect data. (Either that, or the whole office is elbows-deep in sorting which Epstein documents Congress will let the public see. Could go either way.)

The November report is pushed to Dec. 16, and the September report (delayed as well) hits tomorrow. That makes tomorrow weirdly important, because it’s the first major data point in weeks… so be prepared for an overreaction one way or the other on that as well.

But hey, we did get one bright spot. Alphabet jumped 3.5% after Google dropped Gemini 3, its new AI model that reviewers are calling a monster. DeepMind CEO Demis Hassabis said it’s a “big step toward AGI.” So if Nvidia’s earnings end up being a smash, Sundar should get at least 1% credit for keeping the AI trade alive.

And just when the internet started convincing itself Michael Burry was done trading for good… the man pops back up to remind everyone he’s still out here making deeply questionable investments.

He deregistered Scion Asset Management… which everyone took as “I’m done.” But apparently it’s just a friends-and-family shop now, and he still trades markets like the rest of us unhinged humans.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News holds positions in Alphabet and Bitcoin as mentioned in the article.