Stonks only go up, apparently… at least when Iran decides to keep its retaliation diet “lite.” The Dow ended Monday up nearly 375 points, while the S&P 500 and Nasdaq both jumped +0.96% and +0.94% as traders everywhere unclenched just long enough to press the “buy” button. 

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For starters, over the weekend, the U.S. decided to redecorate some Iranian nuclear sites with extreme ball bunker busting. Iran, in classic “I’m not mad, just disappointed” fashion, lobbed some missiles at a U.S. base in Qatar. Qatar swatted them out of the sky, nobody got hurt, and oil traders realized they could stop panic-Googling “Strait of Hormuz insurance quotes.” Crude prices face planted as the market collectively decided, “Eh, maybe the world isn’t ending this week after all.”

But, but, but… still, let’s not pretend we aren’t one headline away from a full send. Translation: If Iran ever gets serious about closing the Strait, you’ll see oil moon so hard even crypto mouth breathers will feel inadequate. For now, though, everyone’s high-fiving over “restrained retaliation”... a.k.a. We survived another Monday energy. 

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Meanwhile, in Big Tech, Tesla finally showed up and led the S&P, thanks to its robotaxi debut in Austin. Assuming things went well considering shares saw the most action (read: 8%), it’s seen since Elon concepted his 14th child. Microsoft (+1.80%) and Meta (+2.37%) also caught a bid, while Alphabet and Amazon took a nap (down -1% and -0.5%, respectively). 

In other news, Novo Nordisk got absolutely bodied (-5.49%) after Eli Lilly gave them the Tyrese Halliburton treatment at the diabetes conference. Not too long after, Novo iced its deal with Hims and Hers, sending shares to the abyss (down -34% LOL). Talk about a hell of a way to start your week if you’re a telehealth bag holder. Eli Lilly, meanwhile, just keeps winning the obesity drug Olympics.

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Elsewhere, Trump Media announced a $400M buyback, funded separately from its “bitcoin treasury strategy.” Share’s were unchanged, mainly because investors could care less to know what that actually means. However, Northern Trust bolted +7.5% after it got a little merger rizz from Bank of New York Mellon. Oh, and Super Micro was taken behind the barn and shot -9% after announcing $2B in convertible bonds. Dilution? Never heard of her. 

Meanwhile, Bitcoin is still on its bender… back above $102k after a Sunday panic-dip below $99k. If you didn’t get liquidated, congrats, you’re built differently. Bottom line for the day? As long as Iran’s missiles don’t actually hit anything important, it’s back to business as usual. Meaning, until we get more retaliation with an extra side of U.S. of A, enjoy the rally. Until next time, friends… 

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Microsoft, Tesla, Meta, Amazon, and Alphabet as mentioned in the article…