Okay, grandpa, let’s get you back to bed…

Ray Dalio (Bridgewater founder, billionaire philosopher, and part-time sunset influencer) shuffled onto CNBC to deliver the most confusing boomer-finance sermon of the year. 

According to Ray, yes, we’re “definitely in a bubble.” Not a baby bubble. Not a mild bubble. A full-on “we’re 80% of the way to 1999” type bubble. But also, you shouldn’t sell. But also, future returns will suck. But also, buy some gold while you’re at it. Wonderful. Truly crystal-clear guidance.

More specifically, Dalio says today’s AI mania isn’t quite dot-com 2.0 yet, but we’re getting dangerously close. Historically, when markets reach this kind of territory, the next 10 years produce weak returns. Naturally, Ray followed that up by telling everyone not to sell anything. Because in his logic, until someone invents the official bubble-popping needle, we’re all just supposed to hold hands, hum softly, and pretend nothing is happening.

He even explained that tighter monetary policy probably won’t pop this thing. Instead, it might be higher wealth taxes or some yet-to-be-named chaos event lurking in the night. Translation: “I don’t know what kills this bubble, but something eventually will. Anyway, good luck.”

Meanwhile, while Ray is doom-whispering into the morning air, Nvidia jumped more than 5% and catapulted the entire market up with it. Jensen “AI High Priest” Huang’s earnings last night told analysts, “Bubble? Never heard of her.” And the market, being the obedient golden retriever that it is, wagged its tail and ran straight through the front door of euphoria. The Nasdaq is already up nearly 17% this year, and despite the recent trend of dumping tech for dividend paying companies… megacap tech is still growing at an insane rate, and nobody cares that Dalio is quietly waving a yellow flag from the sidelines.

Then, of course, came Ray’s parting advice: diversify with (checks notes… sighs) gold. Yes, gold. The metal that just hit new all-time highs. Nothing screams “timely, measured guidance” like telling millions of viewers to load up on the ancient pet rock right after it breaks a record. Grandpa saw the price go vertical and said, “Perfect. Put 10% of your net worth in that.”

(Source: Marketwatch)

So what’s the actual takeaway here, besides the fact that Dalio is clearly having late-night fantasies about gold galloping in on a horse to rescue him while the rest of us get vaporized by the AI death robots? According to Grandpa Ray, we’re in a bubble… but not a serious bubble. Returns are going to be trash… but don’t sell. The bubble will burst… but he has absolutely no idea what pops it. And naturally, he wants you to buy gold at the most nosebleed price in the metal’s 5,000-year career.

In other words, everything is fine. Nothing makes sense. And we are marching confidently into the final stage of a mania that absolutely, definitely, without question… isn’t over yet.

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News doesn’t hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.