Denny’s Board in Kip Dynamites voice: “Yesssss”

Well friends, the house that Jensen Huang built (read: Nvidia Denny’s) is being taken behind the barn and handed a bigly amount of cash. $332 million to be exact (the net from their metric f*k ton debt load) all from the same crew that owns P.F. Chang’s… TriArtisian Capital. And yes, the stock jumped 50% in one day because yes. 

(Source: Giphy) 

In short, this is a fitting end for America’s most reliable 3 a.m. mistake. The chain that built an empire on bleary-eyed college kids and truckers running on nicotine and lot lizards got blindsided by a pandemic that killed its only real utility: being open when nothing else was. Naturally, Denny’s tried to evolve. It added new menu items. It remodeled stores. It bought a “healthier” breakfast chain called Keke’s. But the truth is simple… you can’t gentrify a Grand Slam.

(Source: AP) 

Whereas now, about a quarter of Denny’s locations never returned to 24/7 hours after lockdowns. Same-store sales fell 2.9% last quarter and it closed 180 locations in two years. So Denny’s did what every tired, overleveraged American institution eventually does: it called private equity. They reached out to 40 potential buyers. Only one said yes LOL. Of course, considering we are living in a world of raw dogging cost increases that negatively impact eating out… it’s not hard to see why. 

But alas, TriArtisan, along with Yadav Enterprises (a major Denny’s franchisee), is calling it a “new chapter.” Sure. Every PE firm says that right before they start cutting costs, selling real estate, and pretending menu innovation counts as growth. In reality though, they are going full nostalgia arbitrage. Buy a faded American brand, strip it for parts, and sell the illusion of revival to the next buyer. The same model that’s been used on every mall chain, diner, and hotel from the Reagan era. For this reason, CEO Kelli Valade called the deal “the best path forward for the company.” Translation: the only path left.

(Source: Giphy) 

So yeah… an end to an era is here. Denny’s spent decades monetizing America’s late-night chaos. Now, it’s just another asset being restructured by people who’ve never eaten there sober. For now, keep an eye on Denny’s… and you know, whatever else pile of corporate manure will be eyeing PE as their saving grace next. 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.