Tapestry, the bougie overlord of Coach and Kate Spade, just pulled the ultimate "it's not you, it's me" move on Capri Holdings. After months of trying to close an $8.5B deal that would've created the "Avengers of Accessible Luxury" (think: Michael Kors, Jimmy Choo, and Versace under the same roof as Coach), they finally called it quits.

And Wall Street is absolutely LOVING the breakup. Why? Because sometimes the best deals are the ones you don't make. Tapestry's stock shot up faster than a Real Housewife's credit card bill at a wine tasting, hitting an 11-year high (up 12.9%). That's right – the stock hasn't been this high since everyone was arguing over the black and blue dress. 

“Wait a second,” you’re thinking, “isn’t getting dumped supposed to suck?” Not when you’re dodging the corporate equivalent of buying a boat—flashy, sure, but mostly a floating money pit. Instead of shelling out $8.5 billion on Michael Kors (and friends), Tapestry’s buying back $6.1 billion in bonds, kicking off a chunky $2 billion stock buyback, and keeping the dividend vibes strong at $1.40 per share. Turns out, getting ghosted might just be their best move yet.

This wasn’t just cold feet. The breakup came after a federal judge basically said "new phone, who dis?" to the merger last month. The FTC was worried the deal would jack up prices on fancy handbags and make life harder for workers. Because apparently, we need the government to tell us that $500 purses might get more expensive.

Tapestry CEO Joanne Crevoiserat (trying not to sound too relieved) said, "Tapestry remains in a position of strength, with distinctive brands, an agile platform, passionate teams, and robust cash flow." Translation: "We're better off single."

Meanwhile, Capri's looking like that friend who got too confident about their ex coming back. GlobalData's Neil Saunders dropped this truth bomb: "The company has been badly managed and has neglected its brands in the belief that a merger would happen... Capri now faces walking the long road to recovery alone." 

The real winner? FTC Chair Lina Khan, who's playing the role of a wise parent putting the brakes on an impulsive teenage romance. This marks her most significant victory since... well, since the last time federal regulators stepped in to prevent two corporate giants from walking down the aisle together.​​

Looking ahead, Tapestry's still expecting to bring in over $6.75B in revenue this year. And their stock is up 89% over the last year. Not too shabby for a company that just saved itself from buying the corporate equivalent of a midlife crisis Ferrari.

Remember kids: Sometimes the best way to make money is to not spend it on buying your competition. Tapestry’s decision to ghost Capri might’ve disappointed a few investment bankers (RIP to their fees), but it’s a huge win for everyone else.

P.S. Life comes at you fast friends, and while your favorite online stock guru is out here struggling to make heads or tails on the markets short-term direction - our team and our premium members at Stocks.News are absolutely CRUSHING it. How so? Well it all comes down to back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back massive wins over the last few weeks. Don’t believe me? Click here to see for yourself when we drop the next one.

Stock.News has positions in Tapestry and Capri mentioned in article.